Is it Any Wonder Everybody Hates Us?


Reality shows disturb me. People thatlove reality shows disturb me in the fact they take it for face value. The people behind reality shows are corrupt, flesh-eating maggots that will have a very special place in the afterlife. Especially so for whatever hateful subhuman pimp bastard that thought up Bad Girls Club.
Seeing that its on Hulu I've watched a few episodes now and my happy place for humanity has been violated.
I just can't get behind the reasoning of this show. I mean, I get it - it boils down to money and people pay for sleazy entertainment. Sex sells, that's the bottom line of selling. But if you really slice behind the neuroticism, the anger, hatred, cat fights, boozing and reprehensible behavior you have a show that is entirely corrupt and should be yanked from the air waves.
Firstly is the flimsy, failed excuse of 'helping' (HAHAHAHA!!) these young women by...putting a rag-tag group of emotionally disturbed, in severe need of some kind of therapy, drunken, skeevey, scraping the bottom of the barrel, if you can even call them, ladies in a mansion with alcohol and sharp objects then let them stew until explosion occurs. Because who doesn't like a cat fight?
There is so much hatred for women involved in this show is makes me sick. It makes me sick someone would even think this up to begin with. This is on the level of such extraordinary corruptness I don't even know where to begin. The cheap and meaningless sex? Zero morality of any kind? The fact that these behaviors that are termed 'bad' for a reason are put into the spotlight as something sought after? That this show has incredible popularity only eggs on the general public to believe that they, too, should be a 'bad' girl?
That this is the America I live in, that this behavior is now being grounded into young women as something good - that over and over and over the roommates constantly attack one another and say they aren't 'bad' enough to stay in the house. The same house, supposedly,that was supposed to 'help' these women with their issues. This behavior sickens me. Women are taught to be catty, hateful and backstabbing - that being a 'bad' girl is good when in fact all it does is cripple you in the long run. How far can you expect to get in life when your repertoire includes alcohol poisoning, pole dancing, STDs, and backtalk? The fact that the network recruits these women and uses them in this way for entertainment is sick.
I've heard the entertainment industry was corrupt but the Bad Girls Club drives home how far we have fallen as a nation.

Frustrations


I don't like this rut my life has taken; I volunteer every week, I have Thursday free, I visit my parents over the weekend and Monday it starts all over again without any changes. I am now actively searching for some kind of work and it isn't working out very well. I'm applying my skills to quite a few places in the city and not getting any replies or just getting outright rejected. Not having money, not earning money and aging on top of it is damned stressful. I don't like this night. I don't like waiting for my life to start.

Realisms


Its rather a shock to learn, as an adult, that the concepts you had growing up are false. Take this morning (better yet, take the last year of my life). I had scheduled a meeting with someone through the tech. department to help me better understand Photoshop. I understand this was completely out of her own time, effort and schedule but usually when someone says 'Friday at 9:00am' I expect them to be there at Friday 9:00am or at least leave a note saying 'I couldn't make it, lets reschedule'.
These are the ideals my parents have taught me. And in the Real World they don't stand true. The reality of the world is that people are totally and completely unrealiable. I can't even begin to count how many people have blown me off, not shown up, not called back, not done what they say they were going to do. It makes me wonder, struggling in this world, how and if I will ever get ahead. The deepest fear I have is that, this is it. I'm going to spend the next twenty years doing exactly this; trying and trying and trying to get somewhere and nobody is going to give me a hand. In this instance people would say, 'You have to get tough, get hard, play hard ball' ect. but. How exactly? If I can't get my foot into the proverbial door how do I play at all? Rob a bank? Become a mobster? Strip for a living?
Oddly enough every single rejection I get just makes me all the more hell bent on making it.

Pawned

As an alternative source of income I decided to bring some things in to the local junk shop to sell. It was kind of funny. The lady in charge of selling had a hard poker face. I had some decent things to sell, not high grade antiques (if that were the case, they would be sold on Ebay) but trinkets that were worth a few dollars. Once nice vintage lamp with ceramic flowers with a shade. 50's cocktail picks, vintage metal frames ect. ect. What did she say?
Well, first she sat in her chair in total silence while I piles things on the counter. She takes her time rifling through then says, 'there isn't anything here that's really high quality' in a totally flat voice. She flicks a couple of things away saying they aren't worth anything then heaves a big sigh and says, 'well. I could give you fifteen dollars for this, and that's being generous'. must be a stock line for buyers (how often to you hear Rick say that on Pawn Stars?)
Well the great thing is I didn't spend more than a buck for each of those items (some less) so from five bucks or so I got a ten dollar profit. Beans, but beans I didn't have before.
You know the horrible part? She's going to drive those prices up three/four times what she paid me. That seems to be the way of pawning/selling.
God I need a job.

Sigh


Feeling better. Blow-outs with family members is not a fun thing. Especially when they throw all your flaws in your face. Back to life as usual. Working for free, no job offers, no change. Lighting at Special Collections is having problems, have to figure that out tomorrow. nice weather, keeping busy nontheless, we'll see what happens.

I Was Waiting for This


Monumentally bad night. Will give short version of events at Reunion. Barely knew anybody; this branch of the family is one I've met once in my life. Didn't fit in, didn't socialize well and realized what little snots my cousins are. Nice to know that even in my family I'm uncool. Everyone, of course, idolized my brother. My hair did not like the humidity so I look like the bride of Frankenstein in my photos. Car broke down, dad's email account got hacked, my cell phone chose that weekend to die its final death, San Diego during Labor Day was FREAKING. CROWDED. How the hell do people live like that? Crammed in like sardines? Aunties and Uncle are incredible gossips. Felt uncomfortable being around them the entire time. Family secrets were laundered, publicly, causing some dissent. but there were good points too. Very beautiful place, if a little too nice. Sitting around the beach with palm trees and coconuts can get boring real fast as does picture perfect houses and people.
My uncle is a hoot. Showed my stupid art blog to people and they seemed to like it. maybe they'll think I'm a little bit less of a loser than before. Which brings us to tonight.
Yesterday we spent 12 freaking hours in a car. Today had to get groceries because I had none. Crankiness brought out the best in us so:
here's the skinny of my life at fucking thirty years old. I am a loser of immense proportions;
yes I fucking suck. I have no life, I have no job, I have no boyfriend, children or potential boyfriend or social life. I have no job prospects. I don't want to fucking work at Kohls. Or Wal-Mart. or Home Depot and congratulations to all the people who do because yes, you're better than me. but at I have my sanity. people don't like me, i'm not friendly, i'm not social, i don't text, i don't buy expensive things, i shop at a thrift store, i like being intellectual, not popular. as both my parents, BOTH of them jumped down my goddamned throat tonight they also pointed out that I'm too old for this. too old to be out of work, too old to be dependant on them because it's a shitload of fun for me to be dependent at thirty. having a whole lotta fun here and even more fun at the reunion explaining how fucking awesome I am sans marriage, job, boyfriend, potential future, close friends, success and any hope of being successful because apparently I won't ever be.

Problems against Humanity


To the sniveling, posturing, mysongynist little zygote whom I saw in passing on campus today,


No. You are not funny, you are not cute, you are not clever for wearing a t-shirt reading 'I have the dick, so I make the rules.'
It it my sincere and utter hope that some enterprising woman will rip said dick off and shove it down your throat in hopes that perhaps you will learn some respect and decency for the female species. If it wouldn't give you the power rush that you so clearly and desperately desire I would have said, 'nice t-shirt, asshole' which would have probably escalated into violence because of the no-doubt asinine and male-ego inflated comment you would have come back with which would THEN have resulted in me punching you in the face.

Regretfully yours,

One Pissed Off Feminist


This is not a loving humanity sort of day. I do not like it that whenever I cross the campus all I see are hoe-bags with their tits hanging out of their barely-there blouse and every five seconds someone says 'fuck' because AWESOME we're ADULTS now and I can say it ALL THE TIME cuz it's SO COOL.
I do not like what America is becoming. I do not like the self-absorbedness that society is leaning towards. I do not think burying your face in your laptop/cell phone/incessant texting is helping basic manners which are taking a nose dive. I hate the stupidity and rudeness around me. The inward narcissism that verges on a frightening sort of fixation. I hate being the minority. I hate that my parents are not divorced, I grew up going to Sunday School,that I was instilled with manners, the ablility to think about people other than me, a moral center and basic decency and that very few people are like me. I hate that I'm really smart not because I was born that way but because I choose to make myself that way. I ask questions, I search out answers, I have an obsession about knowing things, all sorts of things that when I see other people who are so satisfied with their humdrum, boring, narrowly confined little worlds with little interest in ever breaking out of their comfort zone, that they judge ME as abnormal, it really pisses me off. I hate it because it makes me feel like a freak.

Today while at Special Collections I had my suspicions strengthened.
I noticed as they hired new student workers and that over the past few weeks I've been getting less of a warm reception than when I first started. I've made some social blunders, I believe:

-I'm really not good with names. I'm just not. After the first thirty seconds of introduction I've forgotten your name. It takes me a while but I do get it eventually. I don't generally call people by their first names until I know them pretty well. In fact, it makes me feel super awkward calling someone older than me by their first name when I barely know them. I don't know the workers at all. I see them for three minutes when I walk into the door and that's it. Because I don't call them by their first names I've distanced them from me, therefore pissing them off.

-Small talk. Oh GOD how I hate small talk. I don't give a shit about your cat or dog or kids or how you have a dentist appointment at 1:00pm. I just don't. I don't mind you talking about it, apparently that's what people do and I understand that social amenity but don't expect me to reciprocate. Maybe I'm too mannish this way but when I say something it has a point or a reason. What I ate this morning, where I'm going later in the day, what small stupid things I'm doing aren't your business and are really quite boring as is listening to you. Talk to me about something interesting, intellectual, that you're off to join the circus, or you met the mayor buying tofu at the grocery store or SOMETHING. I don't care if people want to talk about the small things in life but I don't like that I get judged for not joining in. and that's how they see me, in part. The anti-social chick who comes in a couple of times a week to photograph the art books.

-Asking people about themselves. Another Small Talk thing. and this I do have to work on because I know I'm terrible at it. The problem with being a former shut-in is that you lose all concept of being social such as asking people how they are doing (which I have started to change as today I asked everyone I saw how they're doing). Apparently people don't think of my social awkwardness as shyness and they need to give me time to get to know them but read it as snobbiness that's directed towards them and is a personal insult.

What led towards these observations about the failing of my character? Little things. I know the Head of the Department likes me. She smiles and talks to me and asks me decent questions and asks me to do things for them. Some of the people in the department are iffy; they find me decent enough. And some (the ones who thrive on the social amenities of life) find me aloof and anti-social and hard to know, which I suppose is true to some extent. But instead of reading it as, 'well, maybe she's just shy and I have to be a little more outgoing towards her' or 'some people are just quiet but I bet she has an interesting personality once you get to know her' or even 'what a social idiot! I better show her how its done and make her talk to me' I get silence on their part and little whispering, giggling conversations. When two people sit up at the front desk and are talking loudly about one thing one moment, then bend over and whisper and giggle the next, does it not make you suspicious?
And its weird too. I have never been rude (honestly, courtesy has been ground into me by my mother. If I was rude to someone somehow she would know and take it out of my hide. its really terrifying) to these people. never. I might not talk a lot but I have always said 'please' and 'thank you'. I have always made sure to clean up after myself and stay longer to help with something. I have always made sure to offer my help to someone who may need it. Maybe that's why they're on the line about me. They might not outright dislike me but they don't feel very warm towards me either.
I have to wonder, sitting back and looking at it, where lies the responsiblity? Is it my responsiblity to change my outlook, my entire personal makeup if you will, to accommodate these people? Is that my responsiblity? To conform to fit? Do I go on being who I am, those who don't like it be damned? Its a lonely world when you don't fit.
At any rate, I don't have the answers. I will, as always, pray that someday I'm going to find someplace in which I fit. This weekend will be the family reunion so I'll write up what happened next monday.

The First Week of 30...

Is a lot like that last year of 29. The first day of thirty *gag* was spent shopping and ended in sushi and tea. that was fun. the first week was a lot like last week. started photographing the Special Collections vast array of artist books. Sweated in the heat, was grateful it rained yesterday and today dealt with life issues such as my stove (my really, really old retro 1947 stove) gave out so I will survive on a hot plate and frozen dinners until we figure out a replacement or fix it (new wiring?). This weekend will be a family reunion in which I get to talk to relatives about how I'm...jobless, a spinster and see no change of these circumstances for the immediate future.
Seems as though for the moment I'm through with the gallery (and the ex-GM for which I am REALLY REALLY GRATEFUL. Freaking psychopath). Am so desperately hoping for a job at Special Collections which will never happen. Found a bicycle from the depths of granpa's garage. With new tires it'll be good to go and I will have a way to get myself downtown without taking the damned bus.
Have TONS of art ideas, now I need to get them on paper and in a portfolio. and life marches on. and on and on and on.

Of Monumental Events. Or not.

As many nights of my life of the last two years I sit here on the Saturday before the Big One. Trying to coax words of brilliance to leave for my future self and whoever else may read this dribble. I think the only thing I can take away from being twenty something is how little I really know. I’ve barely begun to understand Life As it Is and can only hope that in the future I can live each day, each year with goals and focus and knowledge that I’ve lacked in the last ten. I’ve learned painfully, wholeheartedly that my way of life is different and will never be like anyone else’s and its fine. That is- if I may, if God wills it I want to accomplish Big Things – though I do not know what. I can say on the last day of twenty-nine that I don’t feel any different from what I felt from when I was twenty five. Minor differences that only experience has lent me. Which I suppose sums it all up; its what experience makes of you not your age. From this day forward I want to leave behind old baggage and regrets as old bitterness and anger hasn’t gotten me very far. Stop being angry, stop feeling cheated, stop wishing it were different. I want to live the life I fantasized about as a stupid teenager. I want to see each day out, I want to do as many different things as I can. Its shaky ground from here. Like any foolish youngin’ I never imagined turning thirty could happen to me, I am unprepared. Life isn’t the way I expected it to be, this isn’t where I wanted to be. I don’t know what will happen from here; it feels like uncharted territory. I only hope I have learned enough to keep my head above water, whatever may come I know at least some of it will be difficult. Not much more to say. I always agreed with the motto ‘keep it short and sweet’.

Fargo's Goo


Laaaaaaassst week. Somewhat interesting things going on. Dinner party at the parents house over the weekend. Kind of in at the bar downtown with my artwork; hafta call back AND finish another four paintings in two days (its okay, acrylic is fast and easy to work with). Friend bought Xbox 360 and is lending it to me along with Fable 2 (WOW). Special Collections tomorrow; will be learning a crash course in photography. Need to make cards and other craft things for everybody's birthday which seems to be in August. Took mom out for her birthday to restaurant with snooty hostess, ate a spicy chicken burrito and all in all an interesting week.

Geh.

Friday the 13th AND ten days left. Vetoed the idea of going to the coast for my birthday as San Francisco is becoming more and more prone to violence and its kinda freaky. I can just see it - '30 year old woman celebrating her birthday shot in gang crossfire'. I want to do something but I honestly can't think of anything big. No sky diving, no money to travel long distances (besides I suck at traveling anyhow) don't have any desire to go out and drink, don't have any really close friends (most of my friends are seclusional freaks like me anyhow). All I really want is a decent job and my car (money for insurance/gas for car). No minature golfing, no barbeque, Sacramento is blazing hot this time of year, already visited everything around here, don't wanna hike or shop or go to a spa. I don't know what to do with myself. I'll have to sit here and ponder.

The Initiative


I finally shamed myself into taking a more active step in shaping my life and lo! and behold Things are going on this week. I answered an ad in Craigslist for a local bar looking for artwork from local artists. I spoke to the owner on the phone and agreed to come in tomorrow to show him my portfolio. In order to do so I will have to take the bus down; it is something I have been fearing in the back of my head but now I don't have a choice, I have to go if I want a future as an artist. Stupidly it is also my mother's birthday and I clean forgot when I made that appointment so maybe afterwards we'll do something for her. Having a bitch of a time getting a hold of the book arts director so I can get in there and get my pop-up book going. Going to email him AGAIN for the third week in a row hoping that he will actually be there sometime this week.
Thursday I am consigning things at a local junk/antique shop including fabric things I've made from vintage patterns. The woman I showed them to seemed to like them a lot.
The special collections is training me to be a photographer. Like a REAL photographer so I can photograph their collection of artist books. Also got a sneak peak in the back storage unit and it was freaking awesome - it was like opening the door to the Tardis. Here's this little room with offices and boxes and tables then you open another door and it's THREE FOOTBALL LENGTHS OF WALL TO WALL BOOKS. Holy crap that was cool.
So. Here's to courage for the morrow that I can get on that bus and get myself downtown without having a panick attack so I may promote myself as a local artist. Here's to future escapades where I take the initiative to shape my own future. Here's to opening doors.

Sunrise


Sort of an odd start to the day. Very early day. The mother wanted to go to the neighboring state for a historic wine walk and at first I thought maybe I would want to go with. Then last night I thought weeell, it's a four hour drive down, it starts at ten am so we would have to leave around five in the morning, its hovering around the hundred degree mark WITH humidity, a two hour walk then a four hour drive back home - and then said I didn't really want to go. I thought she might cancel seeing how we do everything together pretty much but no, dad went with her so I'm squatting at their house alone for the whole day.
Not sure what to do. Finish dishes, finish watercolor I started yesterday, take a nap and possibly run down the street to Starbucks for a drink (even if I have to walk a good mile or so)
Probably job hunt online, play games?
What a boring Saturday. Though right now I think I want to watch the sun rise, the earth is already past the point where it rises four thirty in the morning. Wow, fall is coming already. will probably check back later with more details of my long long day. alone.

The spell you created

If Geek2Geek and Cupid.com is all that's out there in the dating pool I'm going to die a spinster. On the other hand it is useful for entertainment purposes. 'I like hiking, xbox and WoW' is like 90% of what men are into. Not much here; supertastic boring research work for special collections, bugger me hot and no job prospects.

Overwhelming

Is it really August? Oh dear. Thankfully I can say that Saturday was the last day for Auto L's show and that on one hand I like the guy but on the other hand holy crap he was a pain in the ass. Well, seeing how I am still jobless it looks as though I shall continue on volunteering at the Gallery along with Special Collections. Wavering between death by chocolate or throwing myself off a bridge for my birthday. Chocolate sounds like more fun. Trying not to think of imminant loserdom that, at the fantastic great age of thirty, I will be exactly where I was five years ago except now I have a college degree worth exactly squat.
Life goes on, the family reunion is next month in which I get to see my cousins who will bring their boyfriends and ask me what have I done with my life recently.
Trying to find a gallery in the city that will take my things. Don't know how this will work out seeing how art is dying right and left as the ecomony continues to dwindle.
Have fully embraced my old woman-ness with gardening. Weeding, rather. Trying to make the front yard look nice, if only the grass would cooperate. Fighting an ever lasting war with weeds that seem to pop up every time I yank them out.
Facing phantom limb pain as september rolls by without me being in college. September college was the nicest feeling the world. would settle for a job. onward pointless life in that perhaps someday you'll find meaning.

We've reached the end

Countdown. The last month of twenty nine. I've decided to throw a really big party. ha. 'really big' in this sense means inviting people who are more or less mere aquaintance's and hoping they show up. more like a pot luck party where people can come and go as they please. hoping to get a friend involved seeing how our birthdays are a week apart but so far she doesn't seem too enthusiastic about it. was supposed to go to another party (and seriously this was so exciting to me seeing how I haven't been invited to anyone's party in years) but of course my life being how it is, her brother died the Sunday before so it was canceled. was thinking about making our joint birthday party a triple birthday party to include our friend who's poor brother died on the eve of her birthday.
Feeling somewhat powerless of late. Trying to change destiny is difficult and it seems my life is destined to squat in mediocre non-being and to continue aging to the point where I AM that old woman who collects cats (even though I'm allergic). I can't even get myself a decent job. Beyond hope, beyond changing, beyond it all; it seems perhaps nothing at all is going to happen in my 29th year or any other year for that matter. This day is a day of pissed off depression.

Of Acceptance

Staring over many different views of my life over the last two weeks or so. On the social side I've met people, been doing things with people, been volunteering and have met people but have also been led to believe that my life has reached some sort of strange, strange niche that leaving may prove to be impossible. Why I read those social commentary lists is beyond me but here we go. According to society (this is hardly new to me) I'm a 'red flag'. What does that mean? I'm religious, I believe God has a plan for me. I am very close to my parents(actually, my entire family), my mother is my closest friend. I still depend on them. I haven't had a boyfriend in years. I don't have a wide social circle. I don't have a full-time job I've worked for the last ten years. I'm sensitive and emotional. All of these things apparently condemn me. Oh, and I don't think I want children. Hot DAMN that's even worse!
For some reason after reading that list and being in society all this time it doesn't bother me so much. What I have learned is that most of what people tell you is bullshit. Complete and utter.
They tell you if your guy is close to his mother you better run. Is it seriously that bad that he loves his parents? That if he loves comic books its a sign that he never grew up. So what the hell does that say about me? I'm a freaking artist, I plan to draw illustrations/comics for a living. It seems more like to me that this is just another bullshit attempt of the general population to draw lines at what is 'normal'. That we should all follow in the lines and not differ. and of course if we don't ever break the mould what the hell happens to us as a society? Seriously, the stupidity of the general public. People didn't understand and hated Da Vinci, thought of him as a wacky old coot. and if he wasn't Da Vinci who would he have been?
It seems as though the older I get and more experience I have, sadly the more I dislike the world around me. The world is just so full of stupid its disheartening. Is it any wonder I'm not socially inclined?
So enough of disjointed thoughts. A brief update.
Fourth of July was boring but I ate nice food and visited a cool place. Volunteering has been awesome. Ex GM tried to rope me into taking her shift but I refused. Special Collections tomorrow. Working on illustrating a book and getting it published. (two books actually). Summer is finally acting like summer, getting to be towards 100 degrees. Have small idea to sell things at local junk/antique shop for a little bit of money. and finally have had it driven clearly home how bad the state of the economy is out there. There is literally NOTHING for jobs. Only things like truck driver, nurse, dentist, legal secretary and various really, really crappy jobs. Rather disheartening. I just want to work at the University.

Burnout

I think after two weeks of hard labor I'm getting really burned out working at the gallery. So, in fact, I think I won't come in tomorrow. Like Auto L said 'you're pretty much my entire crew'. and its catching up to me - let someone else handle the rest (its all done anyhow, someone just needs to hang up pictures). I'm going to work on another goal my advisor set for me; riding the bus downtown. Doesn't sound like much does it? But for some reason its difficult for me. There's something about relying on someone else to get me where I need to go that makes me intensely uncomfortable. Maybe its the heat, maybe its the fact I've been working like a slave this week but I've fallen back into a funk of sorts. Feeling like Fate's out to get me, or rather do nothing to me at all. Feeling like...nothing's ever going to happen no matter what I do. I do find it incredible that five years of college and two years of being actually pretty social has lead me to meet exactly no prospective boyfriend. I know the arts generally don't have a LOT of guys but there are some. I wonder why its so difficult to meet people after you hit a certain age. It seems like after I hit 25, that was it - my age group disappeared off the face of the planet. Or perhaps I'm living in a different age. I go to places, perhaps, that are no longer meeting places for young people. Libraries, grocery stores, church, school - nine years I have lived here and nothing. Today I think I really am cursed. For whatever reason Fate won't touch me.

Summer Collections

I find it sort of, kind of, odd that even though I'm actually busier than I've been for a long while (with volunteering and whatnot) that I can still feel really, really...lonely. Its good to keep busy though. Today was the first official day for working at the Special Collections. Oh Sweet God, if I am very very very very very very very VERY lucky I may get to work there someday. If you like warehouses full of antique books, valuable art and esoteric things than this is the place for you. I may even get an official nametag (that would rock). I got an orientation tour and a general sketch of what I may be doing. Today I got to look at press-printed books/hand-crafted books/made by artist books and choose some that will be on a local art tour next Tuesday. Then I got to set up a display with books that fit into the palm of your hand. In the future I will be cataloguing and helping with photographs and the web-site. So pray for me, that I may be offered an actual money-paying job on campus.
No first day is complete without mishaps, however.
The first was when I stupidly didn't take the hint to use the foam book-rests for very valuable books so while I was holding it in my lap one of the employees said, 'uh-uh, put it in the holder please'. bah, that's what happens when I get around beautiful, rare objects - I forget common sense.
And the second was slapstick stupid. The library where Special Collections is located is the new library on campus and therefore is HUUUUGGEE with HUUUGE staircases that lead up to the second floor (out of five floors). So after I had a lunch break I was making my way back up the stairs when the toe of my shoes caught on the edge of one of the steps and I went FLYING foward and ended up sprawled on the stairs in front of, at least, one hundred people (the local high schools are having college tours today). I'm grateful that nobody laughed at me but I grabbed the things that went flying out of my purse and ran up the rest of the way. I think I strained my arm trying not to brain myself on the marble steps. So glad I didn't know anybody there; I can imagine my 'friends' wouldn't let me hear the end of it (seriously, I'm not usually that clumsy)
Gallery work is super busy. I'm like the only person from the gallery who has bothered to show up to help..hmmm....he needs a nickname, Auto L. Auto L is a local artist who is having his first show (bronze sculpture) with us this summer and has spent the last 15 years making things for this show, so its pretty important to him. The first day almost all the gallery volunteers showed up (not including Ex GM who stopped by the first day to sweetly mention she's going to be too busy to help until the 8th of July which conviently misses all the hard installation work) and it is seriously hard work. This is one huge production with a lot of stands, lighting, computer images, painting, moving ect. ect. and Auto L (rightfully) is very particular about what goes where. So after that first day of nitpicky work (and grumbling behind Auto L's back) the other two have disappeared into the land of excuses.
Auto L said it himself yesterday, 'You're the hardest working volunteer I have AND the only one who's shown up almost everyday'. Which means I have good work ethic and enjoy what I do or I have no life. Possibly a mix of both. Tomorrow the lighting will be finalized (holy crap, the lighting is a job in itself- ancient light tracks from the 1960's that don't always work and occaisonally go off for no reason that we can find) and since it opens Thursday we better be done tomorrow. Have met some interesting characters through Auto L who has found all sorts of people to help out, not just us gallery volunteers (thank God for that).
The one particular guy whom I find amusing (when I probably shouldn't) is the guy that speaks in one word sentences. A conversation between us:
Me "So, you said you just came from a barbecue?"
Tall John "Yeah."
-silence-
Me "Um, so where was it?"
Tall John "Oh. At work."
-silence-
Me "sooo...where do you work?"
Tall John "Winco."
Me (seeing how there are two different Winco's in town) "Oh, on which side of town?"
Tall John "The south."
-silence-
It was after this point that I gave up any attempt at conversation (except when I was prodding him for my own twisted amusement - getting a conversation out of him was like pulling teeth).
Actually he spent the time that wasn't spent moving things (being about six foor six and supposedly strong) sitting in a corner. Literally. Why is it all the men I meet are braindead and lack social skills? Would it kill you to ask me about myself? or expand on your job because, you great nitwit, I'm giving you an opening to talk to a cute girl? At this rate it will literally be a miracle on high if I get a date.

A Larger Perspective

Often, when you're feeling like the lowest creature on the planet if you look beyond yourself you'll find someone a whole lot worse off than you. Two of these people have been brought to my attention that makes me mentally slap myself and say, 'stop wallowing, you're well off'.
The first is a cousin of mine who has a disease where she literally cannot stop eating. She weighs upwards towards three hundred pounds and may never be able to survive without a keeper. It isn't even certain how long she will live if she doesn't find a way to cope. She is three years older than I and will never have things that other people don't even consider. She won't get married, won't be able to find social contact easy. She won't have children, or hold a job, or live a normal life. and people will blame her and hate her for something she can't even control.
The other is my (ex?) neighbor; the one I grew up with during my childhood. She spent her married life with a greedy, self-centered jerk who figures now that she's past her prime and he's having a mid-life crisis its time to dump the old wife and trader her in for a newer version.
She spent so many years on birth-control she will never have children (he never wanted them, always put it off). She's beyond the age of hopefully finding someone who deserves her; getting remarried a slim, slim chance. What does she have to look forward too? She is extremely intelligent (an engineer) but now that she's on the other side of 45 what will the rest of her life be? With no family to visit her, no kids to watch grow, deemed 'past her prime'?

I don't know what's going to happen to them but I can pray for them. Now I know exactly what its like to be on the other side of the fence. I was that person who got hit. I was that person who people ask 'what the hell happened to her? why didn't she live up to her full potential? what a loser'. or worse yet the pity - 'did you hear what happened to her? God, poor thing.'
a wider perspective, a different viewpoint; its pretty important to look beyond yourself. and pray.

The Price of Being Different


There are days that I compare to older ones that make me feel as though I've been walking a long, hard mile. And those days I look where I've stepped, seen where I've fallen, struggled to find my footing and felt like a stronger, better person yet to run into another wall. The wall for today was being in social interaction with 'normal' people. Young people, newly graduated. When I feel like I've acheived something great, as though I've fought and won back a part of me that was lost long ago days like these show me how far off I am from the mark. These long days that make me feel like I'm speaking in a language no one can understand.
Something as simple as an introduction divides the chasm even further.
and all I can do on the long walk home is ask, 'who am I? and why am I here?'
Around me is the rhythm and pull of a normal life; they can talk about the place they work, the future that job will bring, the plans of an ordinary life. The people they've dated, the birthdays they've celebrated, the bright and open path without question or worry.
I'm just the background.
Smugly congratulating myself on worthless endeavors. Wondering someday what-if, what if I were free? Leaving behind cold isolation and uncertainty, warm and happy in a niche made for me.
I wonder if I'm delusional.
Give up freak, go back to the closet of seclusion where you belong. There is no place for you, perhaps anywhere.
These are the long days where I survive and it has to be enough. and I try not to wonder if I have a place somewhere in the world and if I will ever find it.

Shinpai-suna

Mother has a calming effect one me; 'it doesn't mean anything, you're still plenty young' helps me. Although I have decided from now on that NO ONE gets to know my age unless they are super, super close to me. People are damned impertinent anyway; any time I meet someone new (typically a college aged person) right off the bat I get asked 'how old are you?' so from now on my answer is 'old enough'.
Some interesting things from the last couple of weeks. Book arts group was great; those ladies always make me feel fantastic and (almost) none of them are college aged. Got a lot of work done for my parents - I actually really like how my rock path is looking.
Yesterday was sort of a big leaping step although I didn't mean for it.
Went to the school to see if the gallery needed help; seeing how we're operating on summer hours means that the gallery is barely open. Nobody was there (the artist who is exhibiting got his times messed up) So I wandered over to the library and went to special collections. I asked about volunteering and got an impromptu interview with the Head of Special Collections who said she didn't like volunteering because it felt like slavery to her but seeing how they are laying off more people than hiring she would see if she could find something for me to do. Sent her my resume yesterday. Oh man, I hope she finds something for me. How AMAZING would it be to eventually work for them? It would be a dream come true.
So I spent a lovely early afternoon sitting beneath the shade of a tree, eating my lunch, reading a book and enjoying the one place that's felt like home to me since I've moved down here.
It's strange how entwined and yet seperated I am from that University. Everything in my life thus far has been strongly connected to it. It really is my second home. I just don't know if I can go on being connected to it; the fact that I came into my own at the exact moment our way of life took a nosedive isn't lost on me.
Then, that evening, I took my customary walk around the neighborhood and ran into the neighbors who invited us to the wedding last September and lo! they were SUPER happy to see me and invited me to their Fourth of July party. uh, so wow. I would like that; maybe it would give me a better chance to be more social with them.
These days I'm floating towards resignation of growing older (I mean, DUH, you can't stop it) and screaming hissy fits of 'I DON'T WANNA'.

Hmmm, speaking of the gallery I was able to make another comparison to work conditions. The young lady at the counter at Special Collections impressed me (I actually remember her name, which is a big deal.) She had good sense of humor (when I mentioned that at the moment I'm doing yardwork for my parents she laughed) and had a good, firm handshake. As compared to GM (who I should start calling Previous GM because her contract with the gallery has run out, meaning it's open season now that I no longer adhere to her) who I met again after a three week break to be met with an underlying feeling of , 'oh GOD you're still here?'
Now that she doesn't have any say in my work there I won't feel bad about being snarky. That would be good practice wouldn't it? Putting up with her bullshit with what she deserves? I really don't like that chick. Everytime she looks at me it's like for the life of her she can't figure out how I exist; like I'm an alien species. I think on our last day I'll buy a pack of salami and toss slices of it at her.

So I Lied

In state of crisis, more or less. Now that the summer months are upon me an overwhelming feeling of desperation has taken over. I'm really not happy with how my life turned out. NONE of it I planned for and for most of it I floundered like a retarded goldfish out of my bowl. What does it mean to be thirty? What it means to me isn't what it means to other people. I'm not traditional, my life isn't traditional. My mind-set is still stuck at about 24 and I feel like...this is it. Once I hit 30, it's over with. Nothing will ever happen to me. I'm not young, I'm not worth anything if I can't be twenty-something and 'hot'. Whose going to want to date the old chick? and now that I think about all the online dating sites I've seen all the men in my age group are all divorced with children looking for sex, basically, nothing more.
I feel like I should just resign myself to sitting in the basement and watch anime for the next ten years.
Crap, I need a decent job.

Return to Sender

Struck a sort of bargain with Dad; if I do some serious yard work (I mean like moving rocks, weeding their one acre yard full of weeds ect. ect.) that he'll give me money to paint my bathroom and perhaps a little extra for shopping. Not exactly looking forward to moving rocks (mother wants a rock garden and a rock lined pathway) but it's better than nothing. and I REALLY want my bathroom painted. Still sucking at the job search. Like, really, there isn't anything out there. Have decided to give my body over to volunteering again, this time at the Special Collections in the school library. Stupid of me, really. I completely forgot about that place; and the fact I have connections. I took two semesters of Book Arts from one of the professors who helps out there so hopefully they will consider me as a volunteer. and if not it's off to the historical society OR the park.
Sliding into the inevitable birthday zone and finally I think some of the anxiety is wearing off a bit? other than bemoaning 'there goes my youth' hey it ain't so bad right? ha ha.
ha.
That's my next goal; find work before I'm 30. God, what a sad statement. that's it, i'm depressed again.

Investigating


Definitely no reply, so that's a no go. I am thinking that this is going to be the first in a long line of rejections over the summer. Perhaps thinking that I would work for the summer was too optimistic? More like I'll be applying all summer long and maybe by September I'll find a job. ha ha. Got a letter from Social Sercurity showing all my activity over the last ten years (haha! activity) My dad looked at it and said, 'yea, you need a job'. One thing I can say; judging from last September till now at least my mindset is more prepared then it was. I'm thinking if, in a week, I still don't get any bites I'm just going to go and volunteer at another place until I do find work. I can NOT sit around anymore. The gallery is mostly closed for the summer. There is one job I want sooo bad but I would have to commute an hour each way - its at a kind of theme park place that's looking for a retail clerk in a gift shop. Damn! figures doesn't it? that would be so perfect. Something is bound to turn up eventually. Big Fat Sigh; here starts the summer.

Almost, not quite


After spending a night stricken with anxiety and cold fear about spending nine hours on a shift I came to the conclusion that it may be better to search for a job with fewer hours. Nine am to Six pm is just...too long of a day for me at this moment. Not only that but I haven't had a reply yet so the position may already be filled. I also imagine that this is something I'm going to have to get used to; that in order to get a job at all I'm going to be sending out a lot of resumes before someone wants to interview me. Whheew. Damn, but its exhausting living in fear. You want to know what it's like? Like being between a rock and a hard place. Not working is horrible; filling empty days with hobbies that feel horrible because you're not really doing anything productive. And pushing to work; spending the days in living terror and anxiety at the unknown, knowing there really isn't any place that is willing to compromise with your unique mindset. Having to suck it up and live through the fear to move forward.

Bare Witness

To what may be an amazing turning point in a social phobics life; I may have found a job. I have been looking for the last couple of weeks, earnestly (this time) with a true intent of being honestly employed. Generally you wouldn't think finding a job is such a hard thing. But for me, being all weak and noodle-like, I have all these little hang-ups. To me part-time work does not include working 40+ hours a week and in fact, I don't think I could do that right now. My mind couldn't handle it (look how much trouble I had at the beginning of volunteering for four hours a day) Gigantic corporations are out; they treat their workers like soul-less robots to be used up and spit back out (not to mention I checked up on all the major stores in the city - Borders, JC Penny, Payless, Kohls, Whole Foods ect. ect. and every one of them had horrible ratings for employees. One review said Whole Foods had an 80% turnaround because they only wanted cheap labor and maximum hours - as soon as you complain about how crappy they're treating you BOOM, you're fired!)
The thought of being stuck in Kohls for even 4 hours a day is enough to make me break into a cold sweat.
So I wanted to find a non-corporation, smaller mom n' pop type place that would treat me more like a human being rather than a disposable robot. That really REALLY narrows the field. I looked at retail because that's what I've pretty much done in my shallow work field experience. I thought of all the places I shop and like and thought I could start by handing out resumes to each and every one (but knew that the chances of any of them hiring me was very, very slim).
Then I finally started skimming Craigs list. Which is surprising because I don't put a lot of stock into it (seeing all the trouble with prostitution and now robbery and murder directly linked to it)
After amusing myself with all the moronic 'dating' ads ('49 year old guy, super picky looking for hot twenty-something' wow. original) I found a job that may suit me.
It's a garden gift shop located at a historical ranch house. They want someone Monday and Tuesdays 9 - 6. Two days a week, about 16 hours a week. I think I could do that. Not to mention I get to keep volunteering at the gallery over the summer and build up experience being out in the work world again.
So perhaps in the fall I could either get more hours or find another job without so much trouble as I had this time.
It's hard to explain how bizarre this is for me. To someone who hasn't held a job for literally ten years the idea of being in one place for that amount of time it a little freaky. After so many years of getting used to being in college (and finally graduating) going back to the working world is like being in a foreign land. Being able to drive myself places again, pay bills, buy groceries, having an actual paycheck to put into my account - is something I haven't done since I was twenty.
I don't know if I'll get it; I'm going to email my resume in a couple of minutes. I don't know if I will be hired, though I really hope I will. For someone like me who revels in an unchanging world, this is difficult. To finally realize that I really am not part of the university anymore is hard - it was my training wheels, my crutch, my shelter. If I could work there I would in a heartbeat but there isn't anything. I loved being a student, I kinda wish I enjoyed myself more when I was there. Now I have to find myself a place in the world and I'm the sort of person who doesn't belong easily.
I don't want it to turn out like the fiascos I've had; where I work one day and suck so hard at it, hate it so much, that I sabotage it and get fired. Or I just leave and say, I'm not coming back. Getting a steady paycheck and driving is the huge, huge turning point in my life. You are truly crippled when you have to depend on other people to get you places. So. Here we go, life. Wish me luck.

when the morning comes


I have officially hit the stir-crazy, cabin fever stage of being sick which I suppose means I'm better. Actually I am better; I feel perfectly fine except for being a little tired. Am also feeling the repercussions of watching paranormal tv shows all weekend; every little sound my house makes me twitch (and say, 'what was that!? did you hear that?!') even though I've lived here for nine years and it's a normal a house as can be. I actually had a lot of fun watching Destination Truth for a while, then after watching about ten or twelve shows I got tired of the staged paranormal junk and the cursing and decided it would be a much better show if they just focused on traveling, culture and cultural myths instead of trying to 'prove' the yeti really exists.
Twitchy brain tonight AND am missing social contact. The parents stop by for a couple of minutes for the last couple of days to make sure I have food but don't stay because they don't want to be sick either. Don't know what the friends are up to; all working I suppose.
Played Lora Craft for a while. It's a little frustrating because it was originally meant for playstation but I have an Xbox so it says 'press R' and there IS NO R, okay!?
Being alone all the time also gives my mind time to prey upon my fears of the future as well and snowball my anxiety towards finding meaningful work into terror that I'm going to end up in a doomed existence, checking out snotty customers for the rest of my life. I wish I were back in school. At least I knew the rules there.
and didn't have idiotic bosses taking their frustrations out on me.
May, huh? wow, sure came fast. A little faster than I expected. Nearly one year since I graduated.
Also watched, have been watching, the first season of Chuck. Isn't that like the everyman's wish? Boring, thankless job by day, superspy by night. Funny how many of those types of shows there are. Reminds me a bit of Wonderfalls. I really loved that show. Damn Fox for canceling that (and Firefly!!).
This is obviously becoming a meaningless rant in the vast endless supply of meaningless rants on blogs so I guess I'll wrap it up and go read a book or something. sigh.

Slow Down


I hate being sick. Isn't it strange? Now that I've had a cold for two days I don't sleep at night, or I wake up at six in the morning. It's not even a really bad cold; its like a cold that can't make up it's mind. Some hours of the day I feel perfectly fine then I start sneezing and it makes my head ache and I start coughing and I go - oh yea, I'm sick. Actually I spent most of the day watching programs on Hulu. The sci-fi section is plenty entertaining - I've been having fun laughing myself out of my seat with Ghost Hunters and that (whatsit) Paranormal somethingorrather. I don't put a lot of stock in paranormal things though I admit there are plenty of unexplainable things out there. Just not on a national television show geared for entertainment of the masses. And most of it is so obviously fake. I mean, 'what was that!? did you hear that?!' and seriously I don't hear anything. Vastly amusing though and I love all the historical places they visit.
Paahhh.... nothing more boring than being sick. I did craft type stuff all day and my ass hurts from sitting.
Yesterday I went to work even though I was sick because I told GM that I would be there and I figured giving her a few hours notice that I had a cold and wouldn't come in would probably leave her in the lurch. I thought she would appreciate me coming. Wow, I love irony.
I told her I wouldn't be able to come in tomorrow (today) because something had come up and she throws another hissy of, 'well, you should have told me sooner' 'now I have to waste time trying to find someone to replace you' 'next time you have to give me more warning' ect. ect. ect. beeecaaause she's paying me to be there? oh wait! no, she's not. She does her wierd 360 thing then says, 'well, you don't have to show up' like she belatedly remembered she ain't paying me to be there. Wouldn't it be a fun world if you could say whatver the hell you are thinking and not have social repercussions? You have no idea how badly I wanted to say, 'my heart bleeds for you' or 'when you're paying me I'll give you a week's notice in advance' (because I plan on coming down with a cold, idiot)
It wasn't too much fun being there with my throat all messed up and my head aching (why the hell don't we change policies at work about being sick? most jobs say -show up or you're fired, I don't care if you're half dead' and then you give it to everybody else. Where do you think I got the cold in the first place with half of the gallery workers hacking and sneezing for the last two weeks?)
But sadly, unwritten social rules still bind me so I let her tirade all the way out the door then plopped down in a chair and made some tea. (ugh, I don't even want to think how much tea I've drank in the last two days - or how many toilet stops I've made)
Some small ripples of change in the past couple of weeks. Helped a friend move out of the house she was renting with other people (which fell through because of the economy). so now she's renting a room with five other medical students who plaster the house with helpful little reminders such as, 'quiet after 8p.m. to 6a.m.!' and 'wash your dishes and put them away!'. Then went to an art opening that featured my book arts teacher (oh God isn't it horrible how time slips away so fast - wasn't it yesterday that I took book arts instead of two years ago? Seems like it)
It's the strangest thing that I'm struggling to put into words - not quite friendship, not quite love, not quite sympathy but a combination of all three. My teacher is also my friend and it's so strange that I love her and what she does and what she represents and yet I don't even know her that well. Like, we just resonate on the same level, like you know you just click without even saying. The same thing with the book arts class every month - the Joy Luck Club all over again. These women are amazing and I'm just awed to be part of something so amazing - that they see me and they respect me and what I can do.
Had another friend come and visit and she had dinner at my parents place then we played silly computer games part of the night. uhhh, interesting thing happened with that. I opened my big fat stupid mouth last year about her rooming with me (in my tiny 900 square foot house) without really thinking what it would mean to open my home to another person (even if that person is a friend). She brought it up again over the weekend saying she's had it with living with her parents and having her brother steal money from her wallet and her crappy minum wage soul crushing job and wanted to come live with me and could I please, please let her live with me?
And honestly if this were a bigger house it would be no problem (seriously, it gets lonely living alone) but there is literally no space. We would have no space from one another. We would constantly be within ten feet of one another no matter where we are in the house and I'm too old and too set in my hermit ways to cram myself in with another human being who ain't my spouse or a family member (another thing would be that it would no longer be a family home, which it is because my daddy's supporting me right now and they come over any time of the day or night).
So I had to tell her no and it hurt me (and her, I'm sure). Still feeling the awkwardness - and sympathy because I know what's it's like to be crammed in with family members and constantly gnawing on one another and it makes me so, so greatful to have what I have. (even if it lonely)

I actually have a plan for my future (even though I feel the impending doom that I'm too old to do anything now however irrational a feeling it is, my last year of my twenties)
I'm looking for work now (and it's hard). I'm going to work. I'm going to save money over the summer. In the fall, if there is enough money I'm going to enroll at the community college to get an associates in Graphic Design (turns out I'm really good at designing things). I will continue to save money and concentrate on my langauge skill (Japanese) then someday will move to San Diego (or Berkely) and work as a translator in some capacity. Actually I want to be the person who translates manga or anime (damn that would be cool) but I would settle for a company that deals with asian import/exports. I expect by then I'll be quite ancient (Sweet God, probably 34) but it's a plan. and it starts here.
Isn't that strange? I've never planned in my life before but it kind of makes me excited. Can I do it, I wonder? Can I have the courage to leave everything I know behind? Can I make it work? Am I smart enough, motivated enough? There's a lag of regret now that I wonder if I'll be rid of; too little too late too old to change too hopeless, too cowardly. and if I do somehow manage to get everything I want, is it right? Will I hold it in my hand and say, wow this isn't what I wanted all along?
Well, that's too far for me to see at the moment. I'll settle for work that won't make me homicidal. That'll be a tricky one. onward and upward. (i can't sleep!!)

It could be wrong


Pulled my head in for a while. Odd isn't it, that emotion gets locked up inside me? isn't that the point of this stupid journal? Release the emotion! Vent with the pen! (or blog. whatever). The year marches on, month four of volunteering means its time to move onto the next step. The job hunt. Already been striking out. The world of the the web sucks ass for job seeking. Everything in this area has to do with truck driving, the medical industry or manager type positions - nothing in my area, nothing I would remotely want to do or even qualify for. God, this sucks. Which means I have to start making a list of every company small and large in the city and start prostrating myself for a job, any job, God someone give me a job.
I wish they paid me at the gallery. I wish I didn't have to become a cashier jockey, I wish I didn't have to wear an apron with my name on it, I wish I had a job that I actually wanted to go to, I wish I belonged somewhere already, I wish I knew more people. I wish my college wasn't going under water and could actually afford to pay their volunteers. I wish the local gallery had an opening and wasn't standing on it's last leg for money. Unhappy at the moment, back in the same situation as last fall - getting nowhere looking online for work, really REALLY not wanting to hit every store in the city for a job any job and ending up with a truly shitty job that will make me hate every waking moment of my life.
Crap. Here goes, huh?

We're All Victims Here


Perusing the old livejournal and came across a community centered on horrible roommates. Having experienced not-so-great roomies in my time as a young person I thought I would read some entries and have some laughs.
Not really.
The community can be broken down into different parts. Firstly, people (I would say the majority young people) are relentless slobs who don't seem to mind living in squalor. This is a phenomena I have experienced time and time again. One of my 'friends' (more like an aquaintance that I can't seem to shake no matter how many years go by) lived in a house with three other roommates and between the four of them owned cats, ferrets, dogs and God knows what else. And none of them ever thought to clean up after the animals OR keep the house clean. My friend actually keeps cats in her tiny room and acts as a foster mom for them until homes can be found for them but she doesn't clean after them. So her floor is a jumble of clothing, books, kitty litter, feces and urine. Seriously. and, ironically, she has a massive phobia of germs. Astounding.
I stopped going to her house after about a year when the combined smells of unclean house, ferret musk and uncleaned kitty litter became an unbearable miasma of Doom. and offhand I can think think of a handful of other people who live like this and for the life of me I cannot comprehend it. Why the hell would you live like a caveman who hasn't discovered plumbing yet? How can you NOT clean up after yourself? Even animals know to keep their nests clean.

Problem with the community two: it's run by victims for victims who don't want to step beyond the boundry of being a victim. 90% of these roommate horror stories can be solved with one simple solution. That you get a backbone and stand up for your rights. All of these 'stories' are complaints that their roommates are horrible people who turn their nefarious deeds to the unwitting victim who is writing on the blog. Because it's beyond their capability to get in their face and say, 'wash your dishes, clean up after your pet because cat shit on the couch isn't acceptable and ACT LIKE A GODDAMNED RESPONSIBLE HUMAN BEING'. Some of the situations these people put with are horrible. And if you don't want confrontation (which is a joke because life IS confrontation) there are so many other options that allow you to live your life without being harmed. The health department, the humane society, the police, your building manager - all viable options to ensure your living space is clean and happy. and yes, I see the irony of me casting stones at these people because confrontation is difficult for me as well BUT I think the underlying difference is as the years have gone by I've gotten angry. and as I live day to day I get more angry at how people treat other people and have realized that the moment you act nice you get walked all over.
So now I am actively everyday seeking out ways to not be a victim. When I get shortchanged or overcharged in a store I do speak up and say, 'I think there's a mistake'. I have gotten better with standing up to GM and telling her flat out 'this is how it is'. Haven't had any issues lately.
So reading these stories over the past few weeks I see the same victim mentality over and over and when confronted why they didn't say something or do something they all flop over like a wet noodle and come up with a thousand exscuses; 'I didn't want to get into a confrontation'.
It just really really aggrevates me when you don't do anything to change your situation and complain about it.
Number one rule in life; you're the only person who can change what you don't like.

There's No Escape


Why is it even in a week when GM is not at the gallery I can't escape her? The Director just called telling me she was going to be in today and to make sure the computer is turned on. Exceeeept GM does not have me scheduled on Friday because another intern needed 100 volunteer hours this semester so she is supposed to be there on Fridays and that's what I told the Director. Except now I'm thinking this is yet another example of GM's sterling communication skills. Am now waiting for another phone call, this time from GM accusing me of not being there when she told me to (when in fact she didn't tell me). So okay, steel yourself for confrontation; she clearly said that someone else would be there on Fridays. She has me scheduled for Tuesday/Wednesday/Thursday. She did not clarify the schedule this week, just said show up. It's not a big deal if they want me in today but I don't want to be bullied for her mistakes. Or hell, screw it I'm busy - let them deal it. I won't even answer the phone. Have a looooovely weekend, I'm running away.

!

See what happens when you get busy? You forget to blog and two weeks go by. Sheesh. Ahhh, let's see. On the Thursday the parents got back I wrangled some time to visit with a friend and unabashedly shared my confusion and anger concerning GM and came to the conclusion that for some unforseen reason she just doesn't like me. Weather is nicer, things are starting to green up, it's windy, got work tomorrow and last week was spring break so the gallery was closed.

Never spent a more superbly sublimely boring week in my life; didn't do anything at all. Starting to get gentle pressure again from the parents to start the job hunt again. I really plan to start work by May, which isn't too far away but first I feel I need to stick with the gallery at the very least until the semester ends (May). Interesting family things, visiting brother in Arizona in April and there is a family reunion in September. sigh. I hate those things - I was 25 the last time we had one and I can't say much has changed except I have a degree (that ain't worth much at the moment). I remember the last time I saw my aunts; 'pretty girl like you will have no problem getting a boyfriend'. Is that a subtle hint?
Hummm, welcome to my non-changing, boring life.

The Last Night


Dinner tonight is courtesy of the college and the corner gas station because I didn't feel like cooking (and my food supply is starting to run low). You can imagine my disappointment that the chinese place on campus apparently was closed (?) not open until six (?) and I had to settle for a turkey wrap and fruit salad. I was planning on buying a frozen dinner at the gas station but all they had was super nasty, greasy type foods (and it was expensive!!) so I just bought myself some more milk and went home (it was really cold, anyway). ahaha, I snagged someone's chocolate pudding from work - so that's dessert.
It wasn't that bad of a weekend. I was planning to go out and do all these things but it was cold and rainy so I just went to my club and had a great time with all the gals there. I can see why women make groups and get together every month - there is something really comforting and wonderful being with ladies of all ages and backgrounds, all intelligent and creative and supportive. I felt like 'one of the gals' and its sad but I haven't felt anything like this for years. If I can raise the money one of the ladies and I made a pact to take a printmaking class in the fall together.
The snarky, not so nice part of me also noted how nice it was to deal with women who aren't wrapped too tight and prone to biting my head off for imaginary wrongs. GM wasn't there today at the gallery and it was a sweet, sweet boring day without the screeching. Don't know about tomorrow or Thursday.
Well, I survived the week. Now I have to make plans for the spring.

Day Two


I discovered a new flavor at Starbucks that I don't know if I will try again. I tried the Green Tea Latte and while it wasn't bad it had a distinct bitter aftertaste (it wasn't too strong but...) and for some reason (maybe it's just me) a taste of fish? I loved that fact it was grass green (it was pretty to look at) but I don't know if I will be trying it again. I wonder what I should try next? Maybe I should go look at their menu online. I spent a very interesting morning at the fossil and mineral museum sketching ammonites. They have a fantastic collection and the geology department was giving away free rocks! weee! Nothing exciting happened after that. I got some more things picked up and put away in the basement, listened to my father tell me what a fabulous time everyone is having (without me) and made dinner. It's not even seven o' clock, what to do, what to do.

Day One


Actually isn't too bad so far. Parents left at seven in the morning (dropping off the car for me to use, heh heh). Still in flight, I think. They will probably be getting to where they are going around six this evening. Actually went to volunteering today and am aggravated but smug. Why would that be? I spoke up for myself today. Man, that chick has a memory like a sieve - I tell her something specific like 'I will come in on Thursday at 2:00pm' and when I show up she backpeddles and says you didn't say you were coming in, I didn't hear you say you were coming in, I didn't know you were coming in today. I feel like writing it on her hand or something- 'will be here 3/4/10 at 2:00pm'
so that threw her for a loop, that I actually showed up without calling her and after repeating 'I didn't know you were coming' for the fourth time I actually said to her face 'I said I would be here'. Oh man, did I get a look.
So she dithers and can't make up her mind whether she wants me to help put out food for the reception tonight so I sit for an hour and wait for her to come back to tell me 'ok, go ahead and help put out food'.
A step forward in being assertive even if it's a small step. (I've never seen anyone obsess over tiny details like this before. who CARES if I did or did not say I was coming, I'm here give me something to do or send me home.
Hand-made a pizza for lunch so I'm not hungry. Thinking about how to fill the evening - maybe I'll start on the basement. Don't have to come back to the gallery until Tuesday. (Thank God, I think I filled my dealing-with-crap quota for the day)
Tomorrow I want to make some sketches at the musuem and buy myself a Starbucks (its like a twice-a-year treat thing seeing how overpriced it is)
keep busy, keep busy, keep busy.

The Week Ahead


Wherein the author will attempt to describe the pathos of agoraphobia. When you're a little nutty, like me, it means abrupt changes can throw you for a loop. Take the next week; my parents are leaving the state to visit my brother across the country for six days. No big deal, what's the problem, suck it up - right? Wrong. To someone who is agoraphobic it's a nightmare. When you get all crazy-sauced like me you form unusually strong attachments to people who are 'safe'. Meaning, you only feel comfortable when they are in reach and when they leave you alone - how can I describe it?- it's like your boat loses it's tether and you are drifting away in a terrifying storm where at any moment you can sink and drown.
It is, admittedly, not as bad as it once was. You get to a certain point and you say 'I can't live like this' and it's hard on the people you have attached yourself too as well (it isn't fair to them either which is one of the reasons I realized how badly I needed therapy). My counselor once told me one of her clients was so bad off he couldn't even go to the bathroom without his spouse standing next to him.
This isn't a fun disease.
My parents are my anchor. When they leave for extended periods it is difficult for me. I will, as always, follow the wise advice I learned the hard way from my counselor. The first is to stay busy - write a list of things to be done, places to go, things to do. So this next week the basement will be organized, I will be volunteering some more of my time at the school and I will be making field trips to the Fossil and Mineral museum on campus to make some sketches AND visit the Historic Museum up the road to look at photographs from this city one hundred years ago. I will take a book to Starbucks and sip lattes and read. I will buy mandarins and mushrooms at the nearby grocery store. I won't think about how many hours there are left until they return, I won't sit in the house all day thinking how it wouldn't be like this if I had more friends or a boyfriend. I will go and live my life. and it took me four years of therapy to figure that out.

Treasure Hunting

It was nice to get away for the weekend, not that a lot really happens. I go into Old Lady mode and drink lots of tea and read books and go to flea markets so I can add to the already horrendous amount of crap that I already own. Expecting to go into the gallery today around two o' clock and have some new tactics for GM; we'll see how that goes. I suppose for this entry I can bring up the notion of 'appropriate' social behavior which has , in fact, done more harm to my life than brought me any improvement. There are plenty of books about gender role and behavior starting from birth. Does it sound right that you would give your boy child a pink blanket and doll? Or encourage your daughter to be a police officer? I don't think I'll go off into a major rant; this is old news and has been thorougly hashed by smarter people than me but I'd like to contribute a bit.
I can thank God and all the heavens that my parents don't fit the norm and never called me 'princess' and bought me minature kitchen sets and self-wetting dolls (horrifying brainwashing technique for children) thereby giving me delusions that I must be a caretaker and remain a sort of stationary pretty doll to be led through life by my big, strong competant male counterpart (I've yet to meet a man who can match me).
I can say that I've somehow been brainwashed into believing I must be 'nice'.
In fact, that's one memory I have during my formative years; posessing violent emotion even as a child I was given to screaming and throwing fits in anger. I actually remember feeling so much anger and frustration that the only way of expressing it was to throw myself to the floor and proceed to have a hissy fit (I think I was four years old, one of my earliest memories). Now eventually I learned self-control but I also remember that whenever I showed strong emotion, especially anger, my father would say the only way I could get what I wanted was to be sweet and nice.
and years of television, movies and God knows what other influence (and don't give me that movies/tv doesn't influence you bullshit because it does; humans imitate what they see whether or not it's realistic)
I came into being a young adult with some pretty off-kilter ideas. I had let my ex-boyfriend molest me because he was my boyfriend and I believed I had to do whatever he wanted in order to please him because pleasing your man is your number one priority. even if it hurts.
I came to believe that if I didn't get married by the time I was 25 and start a family then I was a failure and it's something I'm still struggling with today. That I can be over 25 without a boyfriend or children and still be worth something.
and the worse struggle I am dealing with now is a lifetime of brainwashing telling me I Must Be Nice.
I've seen what happens when you're Nice. When you try to please everyone. Never is there a more destruction thought pattern than putting everybody else before you. There was once a time when it was important to be nice and respectful and do your best to please other people but that's a long gone era. Nice gets you eaten alive. Nice makes you a doormat; makes you weak and when you are weak in this society you attract the sharks.
Hence the trouble with GM. Sensing blood in the water she attacks and stupid Nice me doesn't always defend. Any other person would have told her to shut the hell up, back the fuck off and let me do my job without you screaming in my ear. Probably ending the problem but possibly damaging the relationship with the gallery. Stupid Nice me is trying to negotiate an understanding between the two of us that doesn't lead to her into having a screaming hissy.
Or at least last long enough until May so I have a reference for job hunting telling prospective employers that I Am Great, hire me.
So intelligent women have to find a strange balance between bitch and Nice. To stop being nice but keep your compassion, to tell people who deserve it to go die in a fire but retain some semblance of humanity as well. Assertiveness is my biggest problem because all my life I've been told I'm Nice, to be Nice, to always be Nice to other people. and just like when I had to relearn math I have to relearn my behavior because Nice doesn't cut it.

Take a Deep Breath

Generally I wouldn't make a post twice in one day (my life is hardly so exciting to warrent two posts) but today is special. Today was day of the GM. or; GM attacks, or Life and Times of an over-nuerotic, there-are-pills-for-that Manager.
You know, it was hardly my intention of starting this blog to turn it into another 'i hate my job and my boss let me count the ways' type of writing (and truthfully I don't hate her). This is to record a year of my life that supposedly is a turning point, a record of what I'm facing day to day to survive, to live and grow and become a 'real' person who just happens to deal with crippling fear as well as grocery's and dishes. It just so happens that I also have the most amazing talent of attracting the crazies. My life can be accounted for by the crazies; the high school friends who did impromtu monologues in grocery stores for the entertainment of customers, the random men who pop into my life to grab my hand and tell me I'm a sensitive artistic soul and a pisces (I'm a Leo...) or tell me they're from Greece and want to take me to a movie or tell me my incredible magnetism made him gravitate right towards me and I'm a 'classy lady'. I think I would almost be glad to get the wolf whistle and inquiry for my phone number.
So, in fact, this is just another page in the history of crazy people that gravitate towards me (or the other way around?). and today was a doozie.
I thank heaven I don't have to work with GM very often but today was one of those days where it's just the two of us. and, trust me, I'm considering consulting other people about GM's behavior because this has gone beyond 'normal' behavior in a professional setting. At first it's normal, here put up some flyers around the school, would you please go upstairs and get some envelopes ect. ect.
Then, as I sat there flipping through a catalogue, she goes 'oh, I have a project for you today' which to me conveys something that will take some hours to complete (doesn't it?). She told me (and this is exactly what she told me, my memory isn't that bad) that she wanted me to go through the list of people who donated items and fill in the blanks where there are no mailing addresses because she was going to mail out thank you letters.
I said, sure no problem.
There were at least forty different businesses on the list that had no address, no phone number or name of the manager so I figured this was something that was going to take at least the rest of the time I was going to be there to get done.
In my mind the best way to go about it was to take a scrap piece of paper and go through the list (there were two different ones saved on different parts of the file) and write down the business and what information was missing.
I use Google to find the businesses because it has all the information right there and I dunno, I guess I could just have copied and pasted it but I just like handwriting it to keep it organized (to me).
I feel as though I should have dramatic music cued in the background. Like the Jaws theme or O' Fortuna. GM wanders over to stand over my shoulder. and freezes like a bloodhound quivering over the scent of blood.
My literary skills lack the zeal to describe the following meltdown. I can just say, 'Dear God, it was like she was going to explode'. (Like the Death Star from Star Wars)
First she gives me a completely different story; why am I doing it this way, why didn't I just copy and paste from Google? I would have been done already (with nearly sixty different businesses, in half an hour?) she wanted it to be done by three o' clock, she needed this list NOW to print out and mail today. It was at this point when she just stopped mid-sentence and actually left the room.
I wish I had Spielberg to recreate the extraordinary drama packed into this one girl. My kneejerk reaction was to start stammering apologies then I stopped and logic kicked in and I was utterly befuddled. What in the flaming hell did I do that would warrent her actually leaving the room to calm down in order to talk to me? ?
The next negative impulse was to feel like a drooling idiot with the IQ of a rodent that somehow I had phenomenally screwed up so badly my manager had to leave the room in order to keep herself from strangling me. Then, again, logic kicked in and I could honestly see no reason for the throbbing veins in her forehead other than she's completely nuts.
She came back again and tried again to convey to me the utter importance (the lives of millions depend on it!??) that I get that list out pronto. It's at this point that I think I just flat out said, 'look, just let me get this done and I will print it out for you' because she had to leave a second time.
The list gets typed, I call some businesses for info, all in all it took another hour to really get it all finished by that time I think perhaps she calmed down because she sat down and said, 'I'm sorry I was rude' and I said something like it's alright just let me get this typed. Then for the rest of the time she was completely normal.
Strange things are happening in the gallery.
The only logical reason I can think for a reaction like this was if I set fire to the gallery or I kicked her puppy.
I have never quite seen anything like this in my life of dealing with odd people. She certainly gives a new meaning to 'overreact' and for some reason I seem to set her off (maybe it's my handwriting). There is certainly some internal problem going on as she's also mentioned having an ulcer (really, REALLY high strung). But on the other hand it certainly gives me something to write about. I think my Death Glare is coming along nicely, she actually apologized this time. Indeed excellent experiences in preparing for 'real' life.

Blistering Valentines


Survived the nuthouse that was the Auction with little incident. I love the fact that the gallery was dressed up like a high school dance; with decorations from the dollar store and hearts with glitter and those little puffy heart stickers that leave a mess when you pry them from the wall. I also have little hope for our youth of today; consider the effort that went into making this auction work. First, GM started gathering donations and bothering local businesses in November to make this work. Over a hundred businesses donated/helped in some way so there was a good chunk of money involved. Second, there were over five hundred guests at this auction. People who have the money to bid on art. This isn't some pot -luck gathering so why is it that only the GM and I were dressed in nice clothes? and all the other volunteers looked like vagrants off the street corner? I shake my head at young people.
So all in all it wasn't bad. We had mad food offerings from a lot of restaurants so not only did we have things like salad, spaghetti and bread we had things like prosciutto/brie on toasted french bread, brandy laced desserts and wine (no worries I sampled all of them).
I had meant to participate in the raffle but got too busy and it's a sad thing; some of the prizes were freaking sweet. One free soup a month for a YEAR at a high end soup restaurant, free massages, pedicures, gift certificates and some prizes where I get the feeling that the business just rumaged through their lost and found box and donated whatever they found. I mean seriously? Who's going to want a lousy baseball cap and a t-shirt and sweatshirt that's XXX large?
It was a lot of fun to see people have a good time bidding on local artists (myself included) and the noise was crazy. The echoes inside the gallery were fierce. I was a 'runner' meaning that when a piece sold I was the person who got to pick it up and run it to the back table to be paid for and picked up by the owner. I am also super, super pleased to say that one of the pieces I entered not only had four bids on it but sold for seventy-five bucks. weee, I'm an artist!
Only a few minor incidents with GM. Towards the end of the auction some of the higher end (quality?) pieces had sold (art done by professors at the school/art by famous local artists) and one particular piece that was ceramic and an oil painting combined had sold and one of the student volunteers went over to take it from the wall. Seeing how I was present when the artist secured it to the gallery wall I knew that the top part of the frame was actually detachable and needed to be handled very carefully so I offered to trade art pieces to hold while we carried it to the table but GM, in fine form, fairly screeched (again) NO!!!!!
Someday I'll work for someone who doesn't think screeching at people is the proper way to get things done. And, haha, there's nothing I could say or do because we were in a crowded room and we were short on time and screeching back at her (as satisfying as that would be) wouuuuldn't quite be a proper thing to do. With the Director and Curator of the gallery watching. and the dean of the art department. and about two hundred people watching.
So the night passed pretty quickly and I figured out that my heels were not made for running as I have a spetacular blister on my little toe now. Ah, that was last Friday.

Yesterday we have a new exhibit that includes a lot of machinary so it's my job now to make sure people don't lift the mini-laptop that's part of the display. and I get to eat leftover muffins. and hear all about the screw ups of GM's doomed relationship. 20 year old boys aren't marriage material but I'll let her figure that out. anybody who complains that much about the shortcomings of their boyfriend doesn't really want to be in the relationship. Got my hours figured out for the next couple of weeks and Monday and Fridays now, I don't work which means I have a nice long weekend. Parents are leaving on the first of March to visit brother but will detail the meaning of this later. For now I am loving the sunny warm weather and I have plenty of art projects to do and even possibly will have a gallery (very small gallery located at a tea house) to display upcoming show. If I can get enough things done. Here's to a week that will pass quickly. I hope.

Hey June.

Ha ha. As soon as I made my resolve GM reverts back to nice mode and hasn't had a problem with me since. Still haven't changed my mind; if she acts like that again I'm not going to stay quiet but maybe this means after being a volunteer for a few weeks now she's getting used to me and mellowing out? Who knows. Not an eventful weekend; had a club to go to and had fun with that. It's funny, the group is mostly, er is actually all women so it's almost like a support group. Everyone is super nice to everyone else and is always complimentary. Women are funny aren't they? Also I think it's sort of funny and ironic that in me trying to expand out and meet new people AND the opposite sex that I keep ending up in situations that are all female. How does one exactly meet an eligible male without resorting to bars?
Having an interesting year in weather so far; it can't seem to make up its mind whether it wants to be winter or spring. Last night was a tough one. It speaks of the times I guess that when I close my eyes and try to sleep and all I can think about is what the heck is going to happen to me? Can I find a job? When my time runs out volunteering (I plan to quit at the end of the semester-May) will there be something for me? Can I meet people and 'make friends'? Am I able to change my current life? Where will I transition to? Even if I do get a job will there be opportunity for me to get a better position? Ahh, you see. Like a whirlpool of anxiety and doubt that I'm sure a lot of people are feeling at the moment who are all probably in a worse situation than I'm in right now. Plus the weather doesn't help, I hate it when I wake up and it's gray outside with whirling snowflakes. I'm definitely a sun person.

Lament of the Introverted


Having now observed GM's behavior for the better part of three weeks I have now come to some conclusions that will help me in the future when I am a 'real' person with a 'real' job. For whatever reason, after the first day on the job GM, like any good bully, has decided to take my quiet nature for weakness and has acted accordingly. In other words, all of these outbursts and downright obnoxious behavior is because she feels as though she can get away with it. And so far she has. I think for the most part after being out of the 'real' world for so long I had the naive belief that in a professional workplace the manager of an art gallery should act like a manager; not a spoiled, obnoxious five-year-old with the impulse control of a goldfish.
While putting up the new exhibit on Saturday I worked with GM the Director and about six other volunteers/students and now that I am forewarned about her I decided to watch her accordingly. Not one outburst, not one snark, she acted politely with everyone else and for the most part ignored me. These incidents of her shrieking at me and being overly sharp and blunt have all taken place when it was just the two of us. The question is now what is to be done about it? Like all introverted people I only realize what should be done or said after the bully has humiliated me. That on Thursday when she screeched at me for something so incredibly stupid as handwriting numbers instead of printing them I should have said (at the very least) 'there isn't any need to shout'. But as it were I was so stunned, so floored that an adult would act like this that I didn't say anything and probably made the situation worse.
Worse enough to where I actually dreamed about being in a courtroom and sueing her, right after I defamed her character in a most satisfying way.
So now I have an afterburn effect; after the shock of being humiliated has worn off I'm pissed off. Who the hell does she think she is to treat me like this? Why am I so slow and stupid at snapping back at people who deserve it? I feel like an idiot and I've got resentment building up towards her. I thought I stopped repressing emotions; I don't want to go agro on her and beat her with a garbage can or something. Or, more likely, release all my pent up anger in one fatal outburst causing a huge scene with GM and more than likely getting me fired (from volunteering, ha ha) ending with me looking like an over emotional idiot who overreacts to things. So now I plan to go about this logically and coolly (I hope; I do admit I have had trouble with strong emotions in the past. Like when I get mad, I get really mad. My brother once observing I had 'murder eyes' when he pressed my buttons once too many)
This girl is an idiot. She has no experience in the world, she gossips, she's late, she makes as many mistakes as I do but notice I don't bite her head off for it. She isn't worth much of my emotion but I do have to work with her occaisionally. The trick is to walk the line of being assertive without making a scene. Be forceful enough for her to get the point that I'm not going let her walk all over me anymore without getting into a shouting match. I have to dredge up all of my memories and skill of my customer service days where bitchy tourists were par for the course and I developed a lovely detached, polite attitude that got me through the day. I have to remember how I did that (I'm thinking that a lot of it was that after I got through dealing with these idiots I would never see them again, so that helped in remaining calm). This is slightly different; she's the manager for whom I work for so there is no escaping her BUT I don't want her walking all over me anymore. There is seriously absolutely NO reason for her to behave like that towards me. It's unacceptable, unprofessional and I'm tired of dealing with it.
So, self, this week we are working on assertiveness; when she brings out the attitude you need snap back or at least speak up. and not beat her over the head with a garbage can.

Of Peace and Quiet. and Not.

More discoveries made today that may help in the future; when dealing with someone with whom you do not get along with it is better to just avoid that person all together(if possible). Tried appeasing the head-chewing beast with a recipe for roasted red-pepper and hummus dip (she's a vegetarian) and for a couple of days got good behavior. Also manned the gallery this week mostly by myself and found I rather liked it.
I like the serenity of the gallery and the quiet dim lighting. I like being surrounded by pretty objects. I like greeting the people who come in and being able to tell them all about the current exhibit and see how much they like it. What I think I like the most is that not only am I allowed to screw around on the computer for three hours if I want, I can sit there and read or sew or draw and its fine as long as I keep an eye on the gallery.
I like meeting all these new people in and around the school.
All this is in great contrast when GM shows up. Have decided either GM is a tightly strung individual or has bi-polar. I was hoping it would be just me again so I could get some sewing projects done while I gallery-sat but Director, as she was leaving, mentioned GM was showing up to do some shopping for upcoming auction event. Appeasing the beast only works briefly, it seems. On one hand she's super nice; complimenting my outfit, gushing over the cuteness of my sewing project, thanking me profusely for being here and helping out but on the other hand she has her 'snap' moments. This is my favorite GM moment of the day:
Sitting in the employee lounge we were going over the sheet listing artists who were donating art pieces for the auction. First GM asks if my hand-writing is decent because she can't stand other peoples handwriting if she can't read it, then said never mind because many people would be writing on the list so I guess it doesn't matter?
Then we have a nice little skermish on how exactly should we keep track of all the artists, art pieces and how to number them. So I thought the logical thing to do was to number each artist on the list 1 to 100 straight down but as I penned in number 6 GM lets out a screech of 'DON'T DO THAT!!!' making me pause in a sort of shocked awe that someones voice could have that sort of penetrating quality. Another scuffle ensues that I should have automatically known that she wanted to number the artists as they came in to drop off art pieces and NOT assign them numbers before hand. Then she decides oh what the hell, let's just number them now but not in my handwriting and we throw the first list out and reprint it with the numbers.
My second favorite GM moment of the day was meeting her boyfriend who reeked of cigerettes and was the tall, Gumby type. I see lots of those types nowadays; six-four, in desperate need of caloric intake, all skinny arms and legs. I always wonder how in the world they manage to look like an emaciated scarecrow; don't men eat these days? Anyway, I got to suffer through the love-dove syndrome of watching those two go 'i love you' *smack* 'no i love YOU' *smack* 'noooo, I love you!'. seriously. I was happy to get out of there.
Tomorrow we are taking down the current exhibit and taking in donations from 2 - 4. Am hoping that in being surrounded by many people GM will be slightly more...hm...what's the phrase I'm looking for? Not so tightly wrapped, two-faced, ankle gnawingly nuerotic? Seriously, the only other people that have ever screeched at me like that (for something so minor too) are family members. Not entirely certain what to do about her. Will consider super glueing her car keys to the desk or something more creative. (no not really)
But you know my parents took me out for sushi tonight so that made me super happy.

Valentines and Glass


Slowly progressing to an equalibrium within the gallery; on Friday I managed to get my times screwed up and showed up nearly an hour late to the great digress of GM. and I have to admit I'm probably driving her to an early grave with casual screw-ups. (which is an even stranger thing because I'm usually a very competent person) I still get the feeling she looks at me like a retarded three-year-old. Today was better. They found someone to conduct calls so the pressure is off for me to go around telemarketing local businesses into giving up the goods. (which also leads me to wonder if they hired someone specifically to do these calls why did they have me do it in the first place and let me screw it up?) This little community within the University is strangely connected; I keep running into people I've 'known' (had classes with) for the last three years. One of the happiest things is that I get to work with other local talent and maybe find my chance to get a break into the art world.
Cleaned up the storage unit downstairs, rifled through boxes and drawers and found that the university keeps records of every show they've have since 1960. So I got to see some awesome trippy posters from the 60's and 70's (even though I was supposed to be sweeping). Turns out this year is the 50th anniversery of the gallery. Also found the Theatre's collection of vintage clothing (noo, I didn't try anything on. most of it was dead animals anyway). It's sort of a strange thought that the things I was tidying up in that storage unit have been around longer then I've been alive. Looking at the dates was interesting; I was thinking 'this year I was still in High School' and 'this year was when I had to go into counseling'. I'm sentimental like that.
Towards my last hour GM was actually interested in having a conversation with me; so we actually talked. We do have some things in common - we both love tea and be careful of what we eat and we both have strict feelings about financial responsibility. Also saw gender difference in the workplace close up (I watched a video about this in Gender and Society a year ago). Women tend to treat everyone like they are on an equal level.
Ex. today GM was telling me what needed to be done (mailing letters, cleaning floor, putting dishes away in staff room kitchen) then she burst out and said, 'I'm not trying to boss you around, it just really needs to be done'. Trying to reach to me as an equal where as if it were a male dominated staff I would have recieved orders, been expected to get them done and report back for more without a fuss (hierarchy). Iiinteresting. I think I'm more comfortable with the hierarchy approach. If you're the boss you tell me what to do and I'll do it. Maybe it's all those years in J.R.O.T.C.
Also looking into finishing a drawing for the Valentine Auction (deadline is Saturday). This is a big event of the year seeing how these donations and profits will fund the gallery for the rest of the year. I kinda wish I were getting paid for this but at the same time I guess you can't expect work to be fun like this. Well, sometimes it's fun. And sometimes interesting. Most of the time so far I sit behind a desk in the gallery and make sure people don't poke the art work.