Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Small Things

Muse has come out with The Resistance and I don't care what the reviews on Amazon say; I freakin' love it.

Monday it was seventy degrees. Yesterday it was forty degrees. Last night it snowed and by Halloween its going to be back up to seventy.

I have a morbid fear of trapping my fingers in the needle of my sewing machine and inexorably sewing my fingers together.

Why is it all the art/craft stores in town are located in terrifying neighborhoods? The sewing center I went to yesterday is on First Street; where all the meth addicts live. I overheard one customer ask the cashier if she was afraid of drive-by shootings.

I have a kick ass costume for halloween but I will more than likely be handing out candy to little kids rather going to any parties (most consist of alcohol and unimaginative 'sexy' costumes that are all the rage with women nowadays - sexy nurse,cat,nun,piratess,witch,enter feminine occupation here, freaking girl scout, strawberry shortcake. Can you tell this is a major source of aggravation for me? I feel a rant coming on)

I watched and read The Legend of Sleepy Hollow. The story by Washington Irving is, as always, a wonderful classic that makes me laugh everytime I read it (and gives me the desire to go to the east coast to see what Fall looks like over there) and the short film by Disney which I watched once when I was six. Fascinating what makes an impression on young minds; before watching it again my memory was of Ichabod's grapefruit cranium and the end of the film when the flaming pumpkin was thrown. What a great film.

Friday is an event I await for all year long - the county library book sale. A warehouse full of used and new books all super cheap. They give you shopping carts to fill up with books! I have found so many wonderful things in the eight years of going (and now have run out of room for all my books - someday I'll have money to buy more bookcases but for now my books will have to live in boxes). Some of my favorites are all the 'old' books (published 1950 or before; I found The Sheik dated 1922 (I think) for a quarter) with all the beautiful bindings, gold leafed pages and decorated spines. I need a whole bookcase dedicated to old books. I also love all the odd things you come across; the oversized book of MacDonald's Happy Meal Toys, craft projects from 1964, the book of superstitions, True or False; urban legends, Edgar Rice Burroughs.
Hmm, I could go on for a long time. Anyway, looking forward to it.

Friday, October 23, 2009

Observations and encounters

You know what really scares me? When people tell me to be realistic. When the inevitable Small Talk comes up nowadays I get asked over and over again, 'what are you doing? What are you planning on doing?' and I say I Graduated College and a vague Looking For Work in which is me-speak for Beats the Hell Out of Me. Then I get well-intentioned Suggestions. Most often I get 'Why don't you be a teacher?'
The short answer is 'Because I don't want to BE a teacher'
The long, not so polite, answer is, 'Don't you know ANYTHING about me?! Do I look like a social person to you?! Do I look like someone who could put up idiotic comments and questions DAY after DAY, trying to beat knowledge into ungrateful, unteachable FOOLS who don't appreciate me or even WANT to be in my presence nor I theirs?!? Thanks for suggestioning a completely gender biased role for me, the female - why not suggest I be a NURSE or a FLIGHT ATTENDENT or some other acceptable feminine role!?'

Ahhheem. The sad part is these people (the majority male) don't really think about it like that; that the instant assumption is that because I have boobs and a vagina the most suitable role for me is a stereotypical one that society says is suitable for a woman; kindergarten teacher, (I would be forced to EAT THEM if I had to be a kindergarten teacher. IF I had to be a teacher I would teach art at the university, dammit) nurse, secretary, flight attendent ect. ect.
There isn't anything wrong with those professions but this leads back to my opening statement; these roles have never suited me. I would rather be a marine biologist, or work on Myth Busters, or design web pages - something that requires the use of my awesome intelligence. Nice to know sexism is good and alive in the world.

Going back to realism; I've had a lot (too much) of time to think over the last two months and I never was realistic about life. In High School I never had a Plan for my future even though my teachers tried to steer me towards one. I was sort of wishy washy about life; whatever happened, happened. I just wanted to play with my friends and draw pretty pictures. Then I went to community college and discovered what public education had been trying to deny me all those years; I had intelligence.

Like, real intelligence; I easily passed English and History and Biology. Something I had never really done in high school; I got straight A's. Over the last year and a half I found the strength to overcome my morbid fear of Math and passed Intermediate Algebra and College Mathmatics to graduate a university. With major, major help from my father, the engineer, I went from literally knowing only the very basic simple one-plus-one-equals-two math to probability and statistics. Can you guess where my fear of math came from? A lifetime of public schools/teachers telling me how stupid I was, that I would never learn math and putting me in remedial courses. I can tell you that created some serious resentment that I spent all of my life being the stereotypical female-BAD-at-math to learning - holy shit, I can actually do AND understand this.

So the more I thought about and have been thinking about it I realize I don't WANT to be realistic about life. I don't want ANY of the things society says you should have; a nine to five job filing folders, or customer service (oh God, spare me that) or sitting in a cubicle punching the keyboard for NINE HOURS. I don't want to spare time and energy raising little children to behave like decent human beings (not right now, anyway). I don't want to deal with the pressures of understanding, dealing with and putting up with another persons mile-long baggage and in return, trying to train him to understand and respect me. Plus, I haven't had great experience in the past with men (boys?) trying to jump my pants. Being groped isn't all that fun and to be perfectly honest I haven't met anyone so far that I want (being painfully shy doesn't help, does it?).

So I'm going to be perfectly unrealistic. I'm going to do ALL the things society says is bad. I'm not going to get married and join the cult of Motherhood. I'm not going to get a nice, normal job. I'm not going to actively prowl the bars for a man (not that I ever have). I'm going to wear weird clothes that belong in the fifties. I'm going to continue drawing and making things and putting them in local coffee houses. I'm going to make a business out of what I do best; I'm going to make handcrafted things and sell them (something that I have already done and done well in the past). I'm going to write. I'm going to send it to publishers. I'm going to continue being introverted and actively realize its not that bad of a thing. Still waters run deep and all that. I'm going to do this because I realized that if I went out to try and be what somone else thinks is acceptable I'll just end up truly miserable, waste potential and time and betray myself. I've already had experience trying to live up to someone elses expectations of what I should be and it was a messy, ugly business that when, in the end, I refused to conform to his idea that I should be 'normal' I ended up losing my friends.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

October Folly's

Spent a few days preparing for a garage sale. I've never done a garage sell before; my dad has this thing about people looking at our belongings, they'll get the overwhelming urge to rob the house....or something. So my mom and I managed to haggle him into it only on the account that one) we have all of items on the driveway, with the garage door closed and two) we keep it short - eight am to noon.
Turns out we overestimated it. My parents neighborhood consists mostly of school aged children and retired people and the things we were selling (girl things - bed sheets, planters, clothes, kitchenware, books, some of my leftover craft things) were exactly what people were NOT looking for. It was amazing; people would swarm by the dozens onto our driveway, LEAP out of the car only to do an about face and scramble back into their cars and drive away.
All in all I sold about twenty dollars worth of things and the same for mom (the crafts did surprisingly well and I sold two t-shirts). So about ten-thirty and after some guy slunk up to our driveway in his pick-up truck, peered out of the windshield, saw a distinct lack of tools and other manly objects he kicked his truck into reverse and went screaming down the street back into the wild blue yonder we took the hint and loaded things into my car and dropped them off at a thrift store.
Wrong kind of people to sell our artsy fartsy things to although I was surprised at the books, I thought people loved to browse through books (hell, I do) we sold ONE BOOK!
Been spending time reading every Barbara Michaels I can find at the local libraries, watching all three (and some of season four) seasons of Heroes (in consequence developing squealing fan girl crush on Zachary Quinto) aaaand came to several (exciting!) decisions;

1. I don't have a hope of finding a decent job at the moment
2. I have enough talent in making things that I can sell things on Etsy
3. I'm going to write a book (have joined the Nano movement for November)

The never ending exciting times of My Life. its raining.

Sunday, October 4, 2009

The Folly's of Biology

So I had my PMS moment which allows emotions that kind of run around your brain develop into screaming hissy fits as noted the previous entry.
I am better now.
Went to my craft group at the school and its really really nice to be back in the studio with people that I know, doing things that I love. I offered up free labor services out of love (and the fact I'm not doing anything else with my life) so there's some volunteer work for me. (that looks good on resumes right?)
I hate how everyone I know is more successful than I am. I get to hear who worked where with what big name, and who is having an art show and has a million dollar grant to some art school and who's kicking my ass in the rat race of life.
Didn't I say I wasn't going to wallow anymore? Oops.
Temperature has gone down only about forty degrees since Thursday. I love how it transitions gently into winter here, har har.

Friday, October 2, 2009

In need of ventilation

I know I posted, like, yesterday but I have all this crappy emotion churning inside me and maybe if I write it out it won't hurt so much. I am so pissed off. At my life, at the country at the people who I surrounded myself with who just completely blow me off. I ask a lot of why's in my life. Why is it that even though I do the right things, go on the right paths, be nice and I ,out of everyone I knew in my life, I'm the one getting screwed. When I was younger I never had these problems. It wasn't a problem attracting new friends and romantic interests; hell, I had to beat people off with a stick. I had friends I really loved in high school and they grew up to be self-destructive, neurotic, back-stabbing bitches who enjoyed tormenting me. and yet through vague contacts and the internet I find out they're all doing better than I am. One is a famous artist that works for FAMOUS animation company's who goes to comic cons and gets mobbed by adoring fans, one lives in L.A. and has mediocre fame as an artist and the other has a string of messed up relationships that resulted in a kid.
What the hell have I done with my life?
I attempted to go to school and everything went to shit and I couldn't cope. So I spent five years alternatively being depressed and being in therapy. So I get it together and go to school like all good boys and girls thinking that maybe THIS time something will come of it. God, anything, a relationship, getting into trouble, a man, a change in life SOMETHING but nothing ever happens.
this is why I'm bitching to cyberspace where no one AGAIN knows or cares about me and what's going on (or not) in my life. The last 'boyfriend' I had ended up stalking me. I attract all the freaking weirdos. You don't believe me? Every few months when I'm out in public some guy will come up to me out of nowhere and start spouting cosmic nonsense. The last guy claimed my magnetism and strong personality turned him right around and I was a 'classy lady'. Why the hell can't it ever be someone whom I can actually have a relationship with?
Two months out of school and I'm ripping my hair out. There's no job I want to work. I DON'T WANT to work some stupid crap job that I hate just for money and I DON'T WANT to sit around the house and depend on my parents either.
I feel like, for all intents and purposes, I'm cursed. Like seriously, there's something about my life where I just manage to attract the most absurdly stupid situations and I'm too dumb or inexperienced to figure out how to change it. How the hell am I supposed to get out and meet people when I don't have any friends to go out with?
My extraordinary life as a social pariah.
I thought things would have been different if I went to college and graduated but its not any different from when I first crashed mentally. I'm still stuck in exactly the same place as I was almost TEN YEARS ago. Nothing has changed!
Except now I'm a social pariah with a college degree that's worthless because there's nothing out there. If I moved to L.A. or New York maybe I'd have a chance but my life is here. The only people in the world who give a crap about me are here. and I feel like this whole place is rejecting me. I never fit in anywhere here, never found people to get along with.
I feel like I'm always going to be in the same place. I'm just going to keep getting older but nothing is going to change. I'm always going to watch it happen to other people. They're going to get married, move up in their careers, spit out kids, everything is going to happen to them and nothing, NOTHING is ever going to happen to me. Like life is just avoiding me. The only things that happen to me are the really crappy things. Like having my grandmother die three years ago then having to put my dog down in Febuary. Then graduating but no one in my family gives a crap about it.
I know its stupid but I always thought life was going to be like the movies or like all those stupid books I've read. Like how there is always someone else waiting for you, even if you break up with your current boyfriend/friends. The Land of Your True Love/Friendship awaits you over the horizon. and its such a horrible lie. Sometimes there isn't anyone at all and you have to go through it all alone. I'm tired of it and I don't know how to change it. I didn't want this life. I thought out of all of my friends in high school, since I was the sanest, the most even tempered, the most morally aware, the one with the good family that things would just happen naturally. I was supposed to go to school. and graduate when I was 22. I was supposed to work then find a good man and get married. I was going to move to California and be an artist. I was going to be so many things. and now out of all those people I'm the biggest loser. What the hell have I done that warrents respect in the eyes of society?
No one knows me, knows of me and I really, really want to be seen. I'm just turning in circles without the vaguest idea of how to make something, ANYTHING happen. I want to be on par with those idiots I knew, I want something to be proud of. and I don't know how to make it happen. I know I have potential but its like I can't harness it. I'm always going off in too many different directions.
See, this is what happens when you sit in a house alone all day.

Thursday, October 1, 2009

In Which there was Very Little Going On

A remarkably uneventful week. Spent some days at my parents home and was fed nice food by my mother. Unfortunately at my parents home access to the internet is only in three minute intervals so this is late in updating (not that there is much to update.) Visited ye olde homestead up at the lake and managed (twice) to almost get into a wreck thanks to exceedingly stupid, monkey brained, dumbshit drivers who (I'm assuming thanks to impatience) proceeded to pass three cars on a double yellow line while going around a curve (both drivers, one truck, one motorcycle, managed to miss an oncoming collision by seconds), NOT FUN.
Doesn't help me like the world much more considering the amount of people who really should NOT be driving.

I hate that I'm old enough to feel nostalgic about high school and growing up in that community. I hate being there and not being there anymore. Hate going into stores that I grew up with and am able to say, 'this used to be the video store (when we rented VHS!!)'
The fact that at 2:30 in the afternoon I can look at how the sun slants across pine trees and get the overwhelming feeling like its time to get out of school and walk home and I'll drop my backpack off by the front door and mom will be in the kitchen or practicing French with the ladies in the living room and I'll grab a snack before I do homework then call some friends to hang out. and its all gone now. everyone I knew is no longer in my life or play a very small part when once we were all connected. Its not my home anymore and I really, really miss it.

Not the place so much as the feeling. Like belonging, like feeling everything's just fine, I'm young and I have the world before me instead of now where I only feel dread and worry about a completely uncertain future.
So that was Monday. Spent the rest of the time reading, drawing, screwing around. Didn't get to decorating today but looking forward to it tomorrow. Sunday I have a Social Gathering for a local art group (we all met in college and decided to continue a group in the fall). Art show and lecture tomorrow and I found possibly temp. work that doesn't sound so bad:
Macy's is looking for people to decorate the mall for the holidays. I wonder if I can screw up enough courage to apply.