Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Is it Any Wonder Everybody Hates Us?

Reality shows disturb me. People thatlove reality shows disturb me in the fact they take it for face value. The people behind reality shows are corrupt, flesh-eating maggots that will have a very special place in the afterlife. Especially so for whatever hateful subhuman pimp bastard that thought up Bad Girls Club.
Seeing that its on Hulu I've watched a few episodes now and my happy place for humanity has been violated.
I just can't get behind the reasoning of this show. I mean, I get it - it boils down to money and people pay for sleazy entertainment. Sex sells, that's the bottom line of selling. But if you really slice behind the neuroticism, the anger, hatred, cat fights, boozing and reprehensible behavior you have a show that is entirely corrupt and should be yanked from the air waves.
Firstly is the flimsy, failed excuse of 'helping' (HAHAHAHA!!) these young women by...putting a rag-tag group of emotionally disturbed, in severe need of some kind of therapy, drunken, skeevey, scraping the bottom of the barrel, if you can even call them, ladies in a mansion with alcohol and sharp objects then let them stew until explosion occurs. Because who doesn't like a cat fight?
There is so much hatred for women involved in this show is makes me sick. It makes me sick someone would even think this up to begin with. This is on the level of such extraordinary corruptness I don't even know where to begin. The cheap and meaningless sex? Zero morality of any kind? The fact that these behaviors that are termed 'bad' for a reason are put into the spotlight as something sought after? That this show has incredible popularity only eggs on the general public to believe that they, too, should be a 'bad' girl?
That this is the America I live in, that this behavior is now being grounded into young women as something good - that over and over and over the roommates constantly attack one another and say they aren't 'bad' enough to stay in the house. The same house, supposedly,that was supposed to 'help' these women with their issues. This behavior sickens me. Women are taught to be catty, hateful and backstabbing - that being a 'bad' girl is good when in fact all it does is cripple you in the long run. How far can you expect to get in life when your repertoire includes alcohol poisoning, pole dancing, STDs, and backtalk? The fact that the network recruits these women and uses them in this way for entertainment is sick.
I've heard the entertainment industry was corrupt but the Bad Girls Club drives home how far we have fallen as a nation.

Monday, September 27, 2010


I don't like this rut my life has taken; I volunteer every week, I have Thursday free, I visit my parents over the weekend and Monday it starts all over again without any changes. I am now actively searching for some kind of work and it isn't working out very well. I'm applying my skills to quite a few places in the city and not getting any replies or just getting outright rejected. Not having money, not earning money and aging on top of it is damned stressful. I don't like this night. I don't like waiting for my life to start.

Friday, September 17, 2010


Its rather a shock to learn, as an adult, that the concepts you had growing up are false. Take this morning (better yet, take the last year of my life). I had scheduled a meeting with someone through the tech. department to help me better understand Photoshop. I understand this was completely out of her own time, effort and schedule but usually when someone says 'Friday at 9:00am' I expect them to be there at Friday 9:00am or at least leave a note saying 'I couldn't make it, lets reschedule'.
These are the ideals my parents have taught me. And in the Real World they don't stand true. The reality of the world is that people are totally and completely unrealiable. I can't even begin to count how many people have blown me off, not shown up, not called back, not done what they say they were going to do. It makes me wonder, struggling in this world, how and if I will ever get ahead. The deepest fear I have is that, this is it. I'm going to spend the next twenty years doing exactly this; trying and trying and trying to get somewhere and nobody is going to give me a hand. In this instance people would say, 'You have to get tough, get hard, play hard ball' ect. but. How exactly? If I can't get my foot into the proverbial door how do I play at all? Rob a bank? Become a mobster? Strip for a living?
Oddly enough every single rejection I get just makes me all the more hell bent on making it.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010


As an alternative source of income I decided to bring some things in to the local junk shop to sell. It was kind of funny. The lady in charge of selling had a hard poker face. I had some decent things to sell, not high grade antiques (if that were the case, they would be sold on Ebay) but trinkets that were worth a few dollars. Once nice vintage lamp with ceramic flowers with a shade. 50's cocktail picks, vintage metal frames ect. ect. What did she say?
Well, first she sat in her chair in total silence while I piles things on the counter. She takes her time rifling through then says, 'there isn't anything here that's really high quality' in a totally flat voice. She flicks a couple of things away saying they aren't worth anything then heaves a big sigh and says, 'well. I could give you fifteen dollars for this, and that's being generous'. must be a stock line for buyers (how often to you hear Rick say that on Pawn Stars?)
Well the great thing is I didn't spend more than a buck for each of those items (some less) so from five bucks or so I got a ten dollar profit. Beans, but beans I didn't have before.
You know the horrible part? She's going to drive those prices up three/four times what she paid me. That seems to be the way of pawning/selling.
God I need a job.

Monday, September 13, 2010


Feeling better. Blow-outs with family members is not a fun thing. Especially when they throw all your flaws in your face. Back to life as usual. Working for free, no job offers, no change. Lighting at Special Collections is having problems, have to figure that out tomorrow. nice weather, keeping busy nontheless, we'll see what happens.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

I Was Waiting for This

Monumentally bad night. Will give short version of events at Reunion. Barely knew anybody; this branch of the family is one I've met once in my life. Didn't fit in, didn't socialize well and realized what little snots my cousins are. Nice to know that even in my family I'm uncool. Everyone, of course, idolized my brother. My hair did not like the humidity so I look like the bride of Frankenstein in my photos. Car broke down, dad's email account got hacked, my cell phone chose that weekend to die its final death, San Diego during Labor Day was FREAKING. CROWDED. How the hell do people live like that? Crammed in like sardines? Aunties and Uncle are incredible gossips. Felt uncomfortable being around them the entire time. Family secrets were laundered, publicly, causing some dissent. but there were good points too. Very beautiful place, if a little too nice. Sitting around the beach with palm trees and coconuts can get boring real fast as does picture perfect houses and people.
My uncle is a hoot. Showed my stupid art blog to people and they seemed to like it. maybe they'll think I'm a little bit less of a loser than before. Which brings us to tonight.
Yesterday we spent 12 freaking hours in a car. Today had to get groceries because I had none. Crankiness brought out the best in us so:
here's the skinny of my life at fucking thirty years old. I am a loser of immense proportions;
yes I fucking suck. I have no life, I have no job, I have no boyfriend, children or potential boyfriend or social life. I have no job prospects. I don't want to fucking work at Kohls. Or Wal-Mart. or Home Depot and congratulations to all the people who do because yes, you're better than me. but at I have my sanity. people don't like me, i'm not friendly, i'm not social, i don't text, i don't buy expensive things, i shop at a thrift store, i like being intellectual, not popular. as both my parents, BOTH of them jumped down my goddamned throat tonight they also pointed out that I'm too old for this. too old to be out of work, too old to be dependant on them because it's a shitload of fun for me to be dependent at thirty. having a whole lotta fun here and even more fun at the reunion explaining how fucking awesome I am sans marriage, job, boyfriend, potential future, close friends, success and any hope of being successful because apparently I won't ever be.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Problems against Humanity

To the sniveling, posturing, mysongynist little zygote whom I saw in passing on campus today,

No. You are not funny, you are not cute, you are not clever for wearing a t-shirt reading 'I have the dick, so I make the rules.'
It it my sincere and utter hope that some enterprising woman will rip said dick off and shove it down your throat in hopes that perhaps you will learn some respect and decency for the female species. If it wouldn't give you the power rush that you so clearly and desperately desire I would have said, 'nice t-shirt, asshole' which would have probably escalated into violence because of the no-doubt asinine and male-ego inflated comment you would have come back with which would THEN have resulted in me punching you in the face.

Regretfully yours,

One Pissed Off Feminist

This is not a loving humanity sort of day. I do not like it that whenever I cross the campus all I see are hoe-bags with their tits hanging out of their barely-there blouse and every five seconds someone says 'fuck' because AWESOME we're ADULTS now and I can say it ALL THE TIME cuz it's SO COOL.
I do not like what America is becoming. I do not like the self-absorbedness that society is leaning towards. I do not think burying your face in your laptop/cell phone/incessant texting is helping basic manners which are taking a nose dive. I hate the stupidity and rudeness around me. The inward narcissism that verges on a frightening sort of fixation. I hate being the minority. I hate that my parents are not divorced, I grew up going to Sunday School,that I was instilled with manners, the ablility to think about people other than me, a moral center and basic decency and that very few people are like me. I hate that I'm really smart not because I was born that way but because I choose to make myself that way. I ask questions, I search out answers, I have an obsession about knowing things, all sorts of things that when I see other people who are so satisfied with their humdrum, boring, narrowly confined little worlds with little interest in ever breaking out of their comfort zone, that they judge ME as abnormal, it really pisses me off. I hate it because it makes me feel like a freak.

Today while at Special Collections I had my suspicions strengthened.
I noticed as they hired new student workers and that over the past few weeks I've been getting less of a warm reception than when I first started. I've made some social blunders, I believe:

-I'm really not good with names. I'm just not. After the first thirty seconds of introduction I've forgotten your name. It takes me a while but I do get it eventually. I don't generally call people by their first names until I know them pretty well. In fact, it makes me feel super awkward calling someone older than me by their first name when I barely know them. I don't know the workers at all. I see them for three minutes when I walk into the door and that's it. Because I don't call them by their first names I've distanced them from me, therefore pissing them off.

-Small talk. Oh GOD how I hate small talk. I don't give a shit about your cat or dog or kids or how you have a dentist appointment at 1:00pm. I just don't. I don't mind you talking about it, apparently that's what people do and I understand that social amenity but don't expect me to reciprocate. Maybe I'm too mannish this way but when I say something it has a point or a reason. What I ate this morning, where I'm going later in the day, what small stupid things I'm doing aren't your business and are really quite boring as is listening to you. Talk to me about something interesting, intellectual, that you're off to join the circus, or you met the mayor buying tofu at the grocery store or SOMETHING. I don't care if people want to talk about the small things in life but I don't like that I get judged for not joining in. and that's how they see me, in part. The anti-social chick who comes in a couple of times a week to photograph the art books.

-Asking people about themselves. Another Small Talk thing. and this I do have to work on because I know I'm terrible at it. The problem with being a former shut-in is that you lose all concept of being social such as asking people how they are doing (which I have started to change as today I asked everyone I saw how they're doing). Apparently people don't think of my social awkwardness as shyness and they need to give me time to get to know them but read it as snobbiness that's directed towards them and is a personal insult.

What led towards these observations about the failing of my character? Little things. I know the Head of the Department likes me. She smiles and talks to me and asks me decent questions and asks me to do things for them. Some of the people in the department are iffy; they find me decent enough. And some (the ones who thrive on the social amenities of life) find me aloof and anti-social and hard to know, which I suppose is true to some extent. But instead of reading it as, 'well, maybe she's just shy and I have to be a little more outgoing towards her' or 'some people are just quiet but I bet she has an interesting personality once you get to know her' or even 'what a social idiot! I better show her how its done and make her talk to me' I get silence on their part and little whispering, giggling conversations. When two people sit up at the front desk and are talking loudly about one thing one moment, then bend over and whisper and giggle the next, does it not make you suspicious?
And its weird too. I have never been rude (honestly, courtesy has been ground into me by my mother. If I was rude to someone somehow she would know and take it out of my hide. its really terrifying) to these people. never. I might not talk a lot but I have always said 'please' and 'thank you'. I have always made sure to clean up after myself and stay longer to help with something. I have always made sure to offer my help to someone who may need it. Maybe that's why they're on the line about me. They might not outright dislike me but they don't feel very warm towards me either.
I have to wonder, sitting back and looking at it, where lies the responsiblity? Is it my responsiblity to change my outlook, my entire personal makeup if you will, to accommodate these people? Is that my responsiblity? To conform to fit? Do I go on being who I am, those who don't like it be damned? Its a lonely world when you don't fit.
At any rate, I don't have the answers. I will, as always, pray that someday I'm going to find someplace in which I fit. This weekend will be the family reunion so I'll write up what happened next monday.