Monday, May 24, 2010

Return to Sender

Struck a sort of bargain with Dad; if I do some serious yard work (I mean like moving rocks, weeding their one acre yard full of weeds ect. ect.) that he'll give me money to paint my bathroom and perhaps a little extra for shopping. Not exactly looking forward to moving rocks (mother wants a rock garden and a rock lined pathway) but it's better than nothing. and I REALLY want my bathroom painted. Still sucking at the job search. Like, really, there isn't anything out there. Have decided to give my body over to volunteering again, this time at the Special Collections in the school library. Stupid of me, really. I completely forgot about that place; and the fact I have connections. I took two semesters of Book Arts from one of the professors who helps out there so hopefully they will consider me as a volunteer. and if not it's off to the historical society OR the park.
Sliding into the inevitable birthday zone and finally I think some of the anxiety is wearing off a bit? other than bemoaning 'there goes my youth' hey it ain't so bad right? ha ha.
That's my next goal; find work before I'm 30. God, what a sad statement. that's it, i'm depressed again.

Monday, May 17, 2010


Definitely no reply, so that's a no go. I am thinking that this is going to be the first in a long line of rejections over the summer. Perhaps thinking that I would work for the summer was too optimistic? More like I'll be applying all summer long and maybe by September I'll find a job. ha ha. Got a letter from Social Sercurity showing all my activity over the last ten years (haha! activity) My dad looked at it and said, 'yea, you need a job'. One thing I can say; judging from last September till now at least my mindset is more prepared then it was. I'm thinking if, in a week, I still don't get any bites I'm just going to go and volunteer at another place until I do find work. I can NOT sit around anymore. The gallery is mostly closed for the summer. There is one job I want sooo bad but I would have to commute an hour each way - its at a kind of theme park place that's looking for a retail clerk in a gift shop. Damn! figures doesn't it? that would be so perfect. Something is bound to turn up eventually. Big Fat Sigh; here starts the summer.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Almost, not quite

After spending a night stricken with anxiety and cold fear about spending nine hours on a shift I came to the conclusion that it may be better to search for a job with fewer hours. Nine am to Six pm is just...too long of a day for me at this moment. Not only that but I haven't had a reply yet so the position may already be filled. I also imagine that this is something I'm going to have to get used to; that in order to get a job at all I'm going to be sending out a lot of resumes before someone wants to interview me. Whheew. Damn, but its exhausting living in fear. You want to know what it's like? Like being between a rock and a hard place. Not working is horrible; filling empty days with hobbies that feel horrible because you're not really doing anything productive. And pushing to work; spending the days in living terror and anxiety at the unknown, knowing there really isn't any place that is willing to compromise with your unique mindset. Having to suck it up and live through the fear to move forward.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Bare Witness

To what may be an amazing turning point in a social phobics life; I may have found a job. I have been looking for the last couple of weeks, earnestly (this time) with a true intent of being honestly employed. Generally you wouldn't think finding a job is such a hard thing. But for me, being all weak and noodle-like, I have all these little hang-ups. To me part-time work does not include working 40+ hours a week and in fact, I don't think I could do that right now. My mind couldn't handle it (look how much trouble I had at the beginning of volunteering for four hours a day) Gigantic corporations are out; they treat their workers like soul-less robots to be used up and spit back out (not to mention I checked up on all the major stores in the city - Borders, JC Penny, Payless, Kohls, Whole Foods ect. ect. and every one of them had horrible ratings for employees. One review said Whole Foods had an 80% turnaround because they only wanted cheap labor and maximum hours - as soon as you complain about how crappy they're treating you BOOM, you're fired!)
The thought of being stuck in Kohls for even 4 hours a day is enough to make me break into a cold sweat.
So I wanted to find a non-corporation, smaller mom n' pop type place that would treat me more like a human being rather than a disposable robot. That really REALLY narrows the field. I looked at retail because that's what I've pretty much done in my shallow work field experience. I thought of all the places I shop and like and thought I could start by handing out resumes to each and every one (but knew that the chances of any of them hiring me was very, very slim).
Then I finally started skimming Craigs list. Which is surprising because I don't put a lot of stock into it (seeing all the trouble with prostitution and now robbery and murder directly linked to it)
After amusing myself with all the moronic 'dating' ads ('49 year old guy, super picky looking for hot twenty-something' wow. original) I found a job that may suit me.
It's a garden gift shop located at a historical ranch house. They want someone Monday and Tuesdays 9 - 6. Two days a week, about 16 hours a week. I think I could do that. Not to mention I get to keep volunteering at the gallery over the summer and build up experience being out in the work world again.
So perhaps in the fall I could either get more hours or find another job without so much trouble as I had this time.
It's hard to explain how bizarre this is for me. To someone who hasn't held a job for literally ten years the idea of being in one place for that amount of time it a little freaky. After so many years of getting used to being in college (and finally graduating) going back to the working world is like being in a foreign land. Being able to drive myself places again, pay bills, buy groceries, having an actual paycheck to put into my account - is something I haven't done since I was twenty.
I don't know if I'll get it; I'm going to email my resume in a couple of minutes. I don't know if I will be hired, though I really hope I will. For someone like me who revels in an unchanging world, this is difficult. To finally realize that I really am not part of the university anymore is hard - it was my training wheels, my crutch, my shelter. If I could work there I would in a heartbeat but there isn't anything. I loved being a student, I kinda wish I enjoyed myself more when I was there. Now I have to find myself a place in the world and I'm the sort of person who doesn't belong easily.
I don't want it to turn out like the fiascos I've had; where I work one day and suck so hard at it, hate it so much, that I sabotage it and get fired. Or I just leave and say, I'm not coming back. Getting a steady paycheck and driving is the huge, huge turning point in my life. You are truly crippled when you have to depend on other people to get you places. So. Here we go, life. Wish me luck.

Sunday, May 2, 2010

when the morning comes

I have officially hit the stir-crazy, cabin fever stage of being sick which I suppose means I'm better. Actually I am better; I feel perfectly fine except for being a little tired. Am also feeling the repercussions of watching paranormal tv shows all weekend; every little sound my house makes me twitch (and say, 'what was that!? did you hear that?!') even though I've lived here for nine years and it's a normal a house as can be. I actually had a lot of fun watching Destination Truth for a while, then after watching about ten or twelve shows I got tired of the staged paranormal junk and the cursing and decided it would be a much better show if they just focused on traveling, culture and cultural myths instead of trying to 'prove' the yeti really exists.
Twitchy brain tonight AND am missing social contact. The parents stop by for a couple of minutes for the last couple of days to make sure I have food but don't stay because they don't want to be sick either. Don't know what the friends are up to; all working I suppose.
Played Lora Craft for a while. It's a little frustrating because it was originally meant for playstation but I have an Xbox so it says 'press R' and there IS NO R, okay!?
Being alone all the time also gives my mind time to prey upon my fears of the future as well and snowball my anxiety towards finding meaningful work into terror that I'm going to end up in a doomed existence, checking out snotty customers for the rest of my life. I wish I were back in school. At least I knew the rules there.
and didn't have idiotic bosses taking their frustrations out on me.
May, huh? wow, sure came fast. A little faster than I expected. Nearly one year since I graduated.
Also watched, have been watching, the first season of Chuck. Isn't that like the everyman's wish? Boring, thankless job by day, superspy by night. Funny how many of those types of shows there are. Reminds me a bit of Wonderfalls. I really loved that show. Damn Fox for canceling that (and Firefly!!).
This is obviously becoming a meaningless rant in the vast endless supply of meaningless rants on blogs so I guess I'll wrap it up and go read a book or something. sigh.