Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Bare Witness

To what may be an amazing turning point in a social phobics life; I may have found a job. I have been looking for the last couple of weeks, earnestly (this time) with a true intent of being honestly employed. Generally you wouldn't think finding a job is such a hard thing. But for me, being all weak and noodle-like, I have all these little hang-ups. To me part-time work does not include working 40+ hours a week and in fact, I don't think I could do that right now. My mind couldn't handle it (look how much trouble I had at the beginning of volunteering for four hours a day) Gigantic corporations are out; they treat their workers like soul-less robots to be used up and spit back out (not to mention I checked up on all the major stores in the city - Borders, JC Penny, Payless, Kohls, Whole Foods ect. ect. and every one of them had horrible ratings for employees. One review said Whole Foods had an 80% turnaround because they only wanted cheap labor and maximum hours - as soon as you complain about how crappy they're treating you BOOM, you're fired!)
The thought of being stuck in Kohls for even 4 hours a day is enough to make me break into a cold sweat.
So I wanted to find a non-corporation, smaller mom n' pop type place that would treat me more like a human being rather than a disposable robot. That really REALLY narrows the field. I looked at retail because that's what I've pretty much done in my shallow work field experience. I thought of all the places I shop and like and thought I could start by handing out resumes to each and every one (but knew that the chances of any of them hiring me was very, very slim).
Then I finally started skimming Craigs list. Which is surprising because I don't put a lot of stock into it (seeing all the trouble with prostitution and now robbery and murder directly linked to it)
After amusing myself with all the moronic 'dating' ads ('49 year old guy, super picky looking for hot twenty-something' wow. original) I found a job that may suit me.
It's a garden gift shop located at a historical ranch house. They want someone Monday and Tuesdays 9 - 6. Two days a week, about 16 hours a week. I think I could do that. Not to mention I get to keep volunteering at the gallery over the summer and build up experience being out in the work world again.
So perhaps in the fall I could either get more hours or find another job without so much trouble as I had this time.
It's hard to explain how bizarre this is for me. To someone who hasn't held a job for literally ten years the idea of being in one place for that amount of time it a little freaky. After so many years of getting used to being in college (and finally graduating) going back to the working world is like being in a foreign land. Being able to drive myself places again, pay bills, buy groceries, having an actual paycheck to put into my account - is something I haven't done since I was twenty.
I don't know if I'll get it; I'm going to email my resume in a couple of minutes. I don't know if I will be hired, though I really hope I will. For someone like me who revels in an unchanging world, this is difficult. To finally realize that I really am not part of the university anymore is hard - it was my training wheels, my crutch, my shelter. If I could work there I would in a heartbeat but there isn't anything. I loved being a student, I kinda wish I enjoyed myself more when I was there. Now I have to find myself a place in the world and I'm the sort of person who doesn't belong easily.
I don't want it to turn out like the fiascos I've had; where I work one day and suck so hard at it, hate it so much, that I sabotage it and get fired. Or I just leave and say, I'm not coming back. Getting a steady paycheck and driving is the huge, huge turning point in my life. You are truly crippled when you have to depend on other people to get you places. So. Here we go, life. Wish me luck.

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