Slow Down


I hate being sick. Isn't it strange? Now that I've had a cold for two days I don't sleep at night, or I wake up at six in the morning. It's not even a really bad cold; its like a cold that can't make up it's mind. Some hours of the day I feel perfectly fine then I start sneezing and it makes my head ache and I start coughing and I go - oh yea, I'm sick. Actually I spent most of the day watching programs on Hulu. The sci-fi section is plenty entertaining - I've been having fun laughing myself out of my seat with Ghost Hunters and that (whatsit) Paranormal somethingorrather. I don't put a lot of stock in paranormal things though I admit there are plenty of unexplainable things out there. Just not on a national television show geared for entertainment of the masses. And most of it is so obviously fake. I mean, 'what was that!? did you hear that?!' and seriously I don't hear anything. Vastly amusing though and I love all the historical places they visit.
Paahhh.... nothing more boring than being sick. I did craft type stuff all day and my ass hurts from sitting.
Yesterday I went to work even though I was sick because I told GM that I would be there and I figured giving her a few hours notice that I had a cold and wouldn't come in would probably leave her in the lurch. I thought she would appreciate me coming. Wow, I love irony.
I told her I wouldn't be able to come in tomorrow (today) because something had come up and she throws another hissy of, 'well, you should have told me sooner' 'now I have to waste time trying to find someone to replace you' 'next time you have to give me more warning' ect. ect. ect. beeecaaause she's paying me to be there? oh wait! no, she's not. She does her wierd 360 thing then says, 'well, you don't have to show up' like she belatedly remembered she ain't paying me to be there. Wouldn't it be a fun world if you could say whatver the hell you are thinking and not have social repercussions? You have no idea how badly I wanted to say, 'my heart bleeds for you' or 'when you're paying me I'll give you a week's notice in advance' (because I plan on coming down with a cold, idiot)
It wasn't too much fun being there with my throat all messed up and my head aching (why the hell don't we change policies at work about being sick? most jobs say -show up or you're fired, I don't care if you're half dead' and then you give it to everybody else. Where do you think I got the cold in the first place with half of the gallery workers hacking and sneezing for the last two weeks?)
But sadly, unwritten social rules still bind me so I let her tirade all the way out the door then plopped down in a chair and made some tea. (ugh, I don't even want to think how much tea I've drank in the last two days - or how many toilet stops I've made)
Some small ripples of change in the past couple of weeks. Helped a friend move out of the house she was renting with other people (which fell through because of the economy). so now she's renting a room with five other medical students who plaster the house with helpful little reminders such as, 'quiet after 8p.m. to 6a.m.!' and 'wash your dishes and put them away!'. Then went to an art opening that featured my book arts teacher (oh God isn't it horrible how time slips away so fast - wasn't it yesterday that I took book arts instead of two years ago? Seems like it)
It's the strangest thing that I'm struggling to put into words - not quite friendship, not quite love, not quite sympathy but a combination of all three. My teacher is also my friend and it's so strange that I love her and what she does and what she represents and yet I don't even know her that well. Like, we just resonate on the same level, like you know you just click without even saying. The same thing with the book arts class every month - the Joy Luck Club all over again. These women are amazing and I'm just awed to be part of something so amazing - that they see me and they respect me and what I can do.
Had another friend come and visit and she had dinner at my parents place then we played silly computer games part of the night. uhhh, interesting thing happened with that. I opened my big fat stupid mouth last year about her rooming with me (in my tiny 900 square foot house) without really thinking what it would mean to open my home to another person (even if that person is a friend). She brought it up again over the weekend saying she's had it with living with her parents and having her brother steal money from her wallet and her crappy minum wage soul crushing job and wanted to come live with me and could I please, please let her live with me?
And honestly if this were a bigger house it would be no problem (seriously, it gets lonely living alone) but there is literally no space. We would have no space from one another. We would constantly be within ten feet of one another no matter where we are in the house and I'm too old and too set in my hermit ways to cram myself in with another human being who ain't my spouse or a family member (another thing would be that it would no longer be a family home, which it is because my daddy's supporting me right now and they come over any time of the day or night).
So I had to tell her no and it hurt me (and her, I'm sure). Still feeling the awkwardness - and sympathy because I know what's it's like to be crammed in with family members and constantly gnawing on one another and it makes me so, so greatful to have what I have. (even if it lonely)

I actually have a plan for my future (even though I feel the impending doom that I'm too old to do anything now however irrational a feeling it is, my last year of my twenties)
I'm looking for work now (and it's hard). I'm going to work. I'm going to save money over the summer. In the fall, if there is enough money I'm going to enroll at the community college to get an associates in Graphic Design (turns out I'm really good at designing things). I will continue to save money and concentrate on my langauge skill (Japanese) then someday will move to San Diego (or Berkely) and work as a translator in some capacity. Actually I want to be the person who translates manga or anime (damn that would be cool) but I would settle for a company that deals with asian import/exports. I expect by then I'll be quite ancient (Sweet God, probably 34) but it's a plan. and it starts here.
Isn't that strange? I've never planned in my life before but it kind of makes me excited. Can I do it, I wonder? Can I have the courage to leave everything I know behind? Can I make it work? Am I smart enough, motivated enough? There's a lag of regret now that I wonder if I'll be rid of; too little too late too old to change too hopeless, too cowardly. and if I do somehow manage to get everything I want, is it right? Will I hold it in my hand and say, wow this isn't what I wanted all along?
Well, that's too far for me to see at the moment. I'll settle for work that won't make me homicidal. That'll be a tricky one. onward and upward. (i can't sleep!!)

It could be wrong


Pulled my head in for a while. Odd isn't it, that emotion gets locked up inside me? isn't that the point of this stupid journal? Release the emotion! Vent with the pen! (or blog. whatever). The year marches on, month four of volunteering means its time to move onto the next step. The job hunt. Already been striking out. The world of the the web sucks ass for job seeking. Everything in this area has to do with truck driving, the medical industry or manager type positions - nothing in my area, nothing I would remotely want to do or even qualify for. God, this sucks. Which means I have to start making a list of every company small and large in the city and start prostrating myself for a job, any job, God someone give me a job.
I wish they paid me at the gallery. I wish I didn't have to become a cashier jockey, I wish I didn't have to wear an apron with my name on it, I wish I had a job that I actually wanted to go to, I wish I belonged somewhere already, I wish I knew more people. I wish my college wasn't going under water and could actually afford to pay their volunteers. I wish the local gallery had an opening and wasn't standing on it's last leg for money. Unhappy at the moment, back in the same situation as last fall - getting nowhere looking online for work, really REALLY not wanting to hit every store in the city for a job any job and ending up with a truly shitty job that will make me hate every waking moment of my life.
Crap. Here goes, huh?

We're All Victims Here


Perusing the old livejournal and came across a community centered on horrible roommates. Having experienced not-so-great roomies in my time as a young person I thought I would read some entries and have some laughs.
Not really.
The community can be broken down into different parts. Firstly, people (I would say the majority young people) are relentless slobs who don't seem to mind living in squalor. This is a phenomena I have experienced time and time again. One of my 'friends' (more like an aquaintance that I can't seem to shake no matter how many years go by) lived in a house with three other roommates and between the four of them owned cats, ferrets, dogs and God knows what else. And none of them ever thought to clean up after the animals OR keep the house clean. My friend actually keeps cats in her tiny room and acts as a foster mom for them until homes can be found for them but she doesn't clean after them. So her floor is a jumble of clothing, books, kitty litter, feces and urine. Seriously. and, ironically, she has a massive phobia of germs. Astounding.
I stopped going to her house after about a year when the combined smells of unclean house, ferret musk and uncleaned kitty litter became an unbearable miasma of Doom. and offhand I can think think of a handful of other people who live like this and for the life of me I cannot comprehend it. Why the hell would you live like a caveman who hasn't discovered plumbing yet? How can you NOT clean up after yourself? Even animals know to keep their nests clean.

Problem with the community two: it's run by victims for victims who don't want to step beyond the boundry of being a victim. 90% of these roommate horror stories can be solved with one simple solution. That you get a backbone and stand up for your rights. All of these 'stories' are complaints that their roommates are horrible people who turn their nefarious deeds to the unwitting victim who is writing on the blog. Because it's beyond their capability to get in their face and say, 'wash your dishes, clean up after your pet because cat shit on the couch isn't acceptable and ACT LIKE A GODDAMNED RESPONSIBLE HUMAN BEING'. Some of the situations these people put with are horrible. And if you don't want confrontation (which is a joke because life IS confrontation) there are so many other options that allow you to live your life without being harmed. The health department, the humane society, the police, your building manager - all viable options to ensure your living space is clean and happy. and yes, I see the irony of me casting stones at these people because confrontation is difficult for me as well BUT I think the underlying difference is as the years have gone by I've gotten angry. and as I live day to day I get more angry at how people treat other people and have realized that the moment you act nice you get walked all over.
So now I am actively everyday seeking out ways to not be a victim. When I get shortchanged or overcharged in a store I do speak up and say, 'I think there's a mistake'. I have gotten better with standing up to GM and telling her flat out 'this is how it is'. Haven't had any issues lately.
So reading these stories over the past few weeks I see the same victim mentality over and over and when confronted why they didn't say something or do something they all flop over like a wet noodle and come up with a thousand exscuses; 'I didn't want to get into a confrontation'.
It just really really aggrevates me when you don't do anything to change your situation and complain about it.
Number one rule in life; you're the only person who can change what you don't like.