Friday, July 23, 2010

We've reached the end

Countdown. The last month of twenty nine. I've decided to throw a really big party. ha. 'really big' in this sense means inviting people who are more or less mere aquaintance's and hoping they show up. more like a pot luck party where people can come and go as they please. hoping to get a friend involved seeing how our birthdays are a week apart but so far she doesn't seem too enthusiastic about it. was supposed to go to another party (and seriously this was so exciting to me seeing how I haven't been invited to anyone's party in years) but of course my life being how it is, her brother died the Sunday before so it was canceled. was thinking about making our joint birthday party a triple birthday party to include our friend who's poor brother died on the eve of her birthday.
Feeling somewhat powerless of late. Trying to change destiny is difficult and it seems my life is destined to squat in mediocre non-being and to continue aging to the point where I AM that old woman who collects cats (even though I'm allergic). I can't even get myself a decent job. Beyond hope, beyond changing, beyond it all; it seems perhaps nothing at all is going to happen in my 29th year or any other year for that matter. This day is a day of pissed off depression.

Monday, July 12, 2010

Of Acceptance

Staring over many different views of my life over the last two weeks or so. On the social side I've met people, been doing things with people, been volunteering and have met people but have also been led to believe that my life has reached some sort of strange, strange niche that leaving may prove to be impossible. Why I read those social commentary lists is beyond me but here we go. According to society (this is hardly new to me) I'm a 'red flag'. What does that mean? I'm religious, I believe God has a plan for me. I am very close to my parents(actually, my entire family), my mother is my closest friend. I still depend on them. I haven't had a boyfriend in years. I don't have a wide social circle. I don't have a full-time job I've worked for the last ten years. I'm sensitive and emotional. All of these things apparently condemn me. Oh, and I don't think I want children. Hot DAMN that's even worse!
For some reason after reading that list and being in society all this time it doesn't bother me so much. What I have learned is that most of what people tell you is bullshit. Complete and utter.
They tell you if your guy is close to his mother you better run. Is it seriously that bad that he loves his parents? That if he loves comic books its a sign that he never grew up. So what the hell does that say about me? I'm a freaking artist, I plan to draw illustrations/comics for a living. It seems more like to me that this is just another bullshit attempt of the general population to draw lines at what is 'normal'. That we should all follow in the lines and not differ. and of course if we don't ever break the mould what the hell happens to us as a society? Seriously, the stupidity of the general public. People didn't understand and hated Da Vinci, thought of him as a wacky old coot. and if he wasn't Da Vinci who would he have been?
It seems as though the older I get and more experience I have, sadly the more I dislike the world around me. The world is just so full of stupid its disheartening. Is it any wonder I'm not socially inclined?
So enough of disjointed thoughts. A brief update.
Fourth of July was boring but I ate nice food and visited a cool place. Volunteering has been awesome. Ex GM tried to rope me into taking her shift but I refused. Special Collections tomorrow. Working on illustrating a book and getting it published. (two books actually). Summer is finally acting like summer, getting to be towards 100 degrees. Have small idea to sell things at local junk/antique shop for a little bit of money. and finally have had it driven clearly home how bad the state of the economy is out there. There is literally NOTHING for jobs. Only things like truck driver, nurse, dentist, legal secretary and various really, really crappy jobs. Rather disheartening. I just want to work at the University.