Thursday, December 31, 2009

Upon Which the Author Meets With People

Expecting my ride to the grocery store in a moment so not a long post? My social week; yesterday a Friend came to visit and we went to Starbucks and the local junk/antique shop in which we were Horrified and Amused by frightening atrocities lurking in the murky depths. My favorite being (and I hope to God I get a picture of this) is the 1960's Christmas Macy's window display that looks like an acid trip gone bad (and by the way, I DID get a picture of it). There certainly is an endless fascination with junk/antique shops that I can never quite explain to other people. Its like a treasure hunt without knowing what exciting or awesome thing you'll come across. And I have to admit I have things that nobody else has; I'm unique that way. So day out with friend was success; got Starbucks coffee, went shopping and hung out and played Princess Maker having a fun time trying to corrupt my little girl into being an overlord of darkness. It was awesome.
The next day (yesterday?) brother and girlfriend came to visit and now I feel like a boob with all of my insecurities; she's pretty cool. So brother played X-Box while we talked, they brought over (haha) more Starbucks and had another nice social visit.
Saw awesome fireworks from my window, made rice balls and calzone, working on art things and over-all not a bad New Years.

Monday, December 28, 2009

End of the Road

Better than what I expected; being together with family on Christmas. For whatever reasons brother is marginally better behaved than last year. Somehow I haven't really felt Christmas for some time now; felt it in the world around me. Or maybe this is the passage of becoming an adult; when the holidays just become another day for those who are not fortunate to possess wealth and family. Just another day. Perhaps a symptom of our times. The weather this year is a great deal colder than it has been before, its finally acting like winter around here with actual snow storms. The next one on new years. Went out to see my grandfather and embarassed him with showers of presents and love. We're a lot alike, my grandpa and I; neither of us truly comfortable with the spotlight but I am so very happy that he's doing just fine out there. He's got a war of wills with the neighborhood ladies who have taken him up as their cause. In fact they called while we were all there and offered to bring him food and company but being he has family already that loves him and visits as often as he will let them he said no. He's also adopted (sort of) a cat one of the neighbors left behind that has turned half-feral and won't come near us and will only show up for food and shelter when it's too cold.
Back in my own home now for a while; brother's girlfriend is coming out tomorrow to stay for a while.
Mixed feelings about this. There isn't enough room for all of us so the only way I can stay at the parents house is if I'm willing to sleep on the floor. It's truly a strange thought; our family expanding and I don't think I am entirely comfortable with it. We're so closely knit, for all these years to add more seems like an intrusion. I don't want a sister-in-law, I don't want to be supplanted as daughter number one and as childish as it seems that's what it feels like, sort of. She emails my mother a lot but doesn't really make any contact with me. Not that I'm adverse to it; I just warm slowly to change. I'm perfectly content with the status quo as it is.
Seems like a busy week for me. I have a lot of ideas to put forth for the coming year. Wednesday friend is coming over to hang out and I'm planning on taking her to a local tea house then shop at a vintage boutique (and possibly expose her to the wonders of vintage computer games like Princess Maker). New Years, I'm not really sure what I'm doing. Possibly will ask other friend to hang out and eat take-out and play X-Box till the wee hours of the morning. Was I supposed to reflect on the last year? Maybe New Years Eve I will.
You know, if I were a different person; braver perhaps, not so flawed with neuroticisms I wanted to be one of those people who fly out to Times Square to bring in the New Year. I wish I new more people. I used to go to parties, way back when, for New Years. Now we're all scattered.
Well. That's the grand update for now.

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Dashboard Confessions

Wow, up earlier than usual. Stupid snowstorms have ruined my hedge; had to hack it back almost to the roots because its DEAD and was blocking the driveway. Having a crafty weekend and getting lots of plushes churned out (I like the spotted octopus plush the best, hung one on my bookcase). Today is also the day brother comes to visit but won't get here until about five o' clock but I have no intention of going over to my parents house for a while. Planning to spend the day thus: vaccum rug, sew up plushies, devote many evening hours to Xbox. Oh, and make tortilla soup for dinner. and study japanese (meant to do that anyway)
Sometimes my imagination drives me crazy. Like at night when I dream about people I knew, people that have greatly let me down (and you DREAM about them? really, stupid mind?!) and it got me into a thinking mood this morning and couldn't go back to sleep.
Why's and how's of life. How did it shape you as a human being? How can human nature be so capricious and cruel? Is this another Emo moment? Am I acting like a teenage girl, moaning, 'why don't they like me?' ehhhhh, I hope not.
More like, most of us are incomplete at the age of 22 (seriously when I think back on it, what the hell did I know about life, or anything?) Like I know now I chose poorly suited people to be my friends. I didn't realize how very...different a person I was and how difficult it is for someone who doesn't fit in the crowd to be accepted. It's truly one of the hardest things I've come to learn; yea I've got imagination and arts up the wazoo and I might have a decently working brain but being that different isolates you. That's what I've learned the best from my twenties; being different isolates you.
As much as I would love to moan- er say 'they left ME, they spurned ME, they are the ones who are horrible' and for a long time I did think that but after living some more I also came to understand things are so rarely one-sided. I did plenty of pushing away and I'm thinking I didn't express myself properly as to what exactly being Agoraphobic/Panic ridden meant socially.
Someday I think one of the most important things I can do is to be heard. I want to give disorders a voice. Panic attacks are a joke; people who succumb are weak, foolish, not in control, anyone who has a panic attack and lets the fear overcome them don't deserve to be called an American (with a capital A). We don't need no weak crazy scum that like in our society; same goes for all the crazies.
Funny how most of these 'disorders' are social and are deemed 'disorder' when you can't be a loud, obnoxious, social lovin' Amercian. Because quiet people are weak.
I've gone my whole life being underestimated because I'm 'quiet'. Everytime I lash out and stand up for myself I shock people that I can be angry, that I speak up when necessary, like it's completely astounding that as a human being I can have emotions and express them.
But I'm getting away from the original thought I created (injustice always gets my goat. Another post another time perhaps on Perceptions and Assumptions on our fellow human beings)
Back to sorting my thoughts and dreams. Maybe putting it blunty without wandering will make this a shorter entry.
I think I'm fixated on thinking back on these particular 'friends' because it was a particular time in my life when everything was changing. These were high school friends (first big hint there). One had a crush on me (guy) the other was my best friend (girl). Didn't want to date him she wanted to date him, they eventually got together. Now with my great understanding I see how things went; everything was conspired against me and my position.

First: first year of college, moved to new city from small town, new house - huge change.
Second: personal - family lost everything, home, money (not to mention 9/11) -extremely uncertain times (didn't even know if we would have money for food)
Third: 'friends' not understanding. Thinking back on it, all the crap that went down pretty much put me on a seperate planet from them. I remember what it was like (God, it was horrible) trying to survive my first semester of college courses, trying to be social, trying to cope with a future that was uncertain and scary. We'd never been without money before. Friends on the other hand had no such troubles, in fact had a normal life without worries. For me it was like every time I left my house I was living in terror; like a iron grip of subtle fear was crushing my chest, like having my brain knifed with unending anxiety and was getting worse with every waking day. How do you explain something like that to someone who has no idea?
'what are you afraid of? nothings going to happen'
yea, no shit. did you miss the part where I said DISORDER - doesn't have to have reason or rhyme. The disorder works by expressing repressed emotions and wishes caused by upheavels in life that in waking life you are not addressing. You don't acknowledge what's going on it comes out as fear/anxiety and I was trying so desperately to be 'normal'.
Fourth: awkward alliances. I don't think he ever got over his crush on me and my best friend never forgot that I was the one he wanted originally and never forgave me for it. You want to know something truly pathetic? After about four years we tentively got into touch. I never expressed my hatred for what they did. I thought we could start over - we even went out to lunch and hung out then I didn't hear from them again for another three years which gave me greater perspective on what was going on. He was a friend from high school; we grew up with one another, we have more in common than she does with him. He sees no reason not to keep in touch with old friends and, I expect, will always hold a small place of crush-ness for me and she'll never forget or forgive me for that. She never, NEVER initiated contact with me, my best friend whom I loved. I pretty much get the feeling she hates me and sees me as a parasite on their relationship. I would have loved to see the arguments they got into because of me. What I love the most is the trust my best friend had in me as a person; that she thought so highly of my character that she cut off all contact and slashed me out of their lives even though it was pretty obvious I was in a hell of a lot of trouble with my life. Forgetting the fact that my parents raised me with respect and honor and as my honored friends there was no way in hell I would ever do anything to harm either of them; including their relationship. Instead of say, communicating her fears and working towards a solution for everyone, she says 'get out of my life, bitch'.
Which brings me to last nights dream- I dream about them occasionally; just silly dreams of old times when we hung out and had fun. Then I get all worked up over old wounds. Because whether I like it or not they were a big part of my life and not having them in my life made a big impact. To see what it's become today - that they are as distant to me as a star in the sky, still hurts. That I loathed myself because of them, that I had to face my trials alone, that a kind word, that their support would have made an incredible difference in my life, that their presence would have made that much of a difference in the worst time of my life and they chose not to be a part of it - still gets me today. People make a difference; funny the smallest things lead to larger things that makes a difference down the road. I still want them in my life. And I'll always hate them.

Friday, December 11, 2009

You Must Rescue Us All

Muse moment. I wonder if I should start these journals with, 'Dear Dairy' like I did in third grade (I wonder what ever happened to that diary...). Just having another, 'Oh God I'm Aging' moment; reading an online women's community blog one poster writes, 'I'm turning thirty in a week and wanted to know how you all celebrated/feel about leaving your twenties' in which most replied that they loved being in their thirties (which I felt was good and made me feel slightly better) but was balanced with, 'I celebrated turning thirty with my husband/soon to be husband and children/soon to be child/advancing my career'. Mmmm, yes. I am special. I'm like the freak 6% of society that doesn't interect with people therefore has no boyfriend or signifigant other and has no prospect of interacting with people because I can't get a job because there ARE NO JOBS therefore; no money to go out, no money for car insurance, no way to socially interact, life goes on in an unending circle of nothingness. Oh YES i rock.
Hadn't meant to start it like that. Let's try again;

Dear Diary,

I have been busy lately. I finally got Etsy started and sold something; so it's a start. I am making more things to sell and thinking how I can make my Etsy site more well known. I meant to write, dearest diary, more often than this but being the Holidays (ho ho ho) I got distracted with the scramble to find decent presents for my loved ones that are under the twenty dollar mark (most of which will be handmade but its okay because I rock at the handmade things)
The December Bookarts group rocked my world; I made some connections with other Etsy gals and have joined another crafting group. I have some people interested in looking at my portfolio and am in the process of making an anime portfolio for another company. I have tons of art ideas in the mill I'm getting to and feel like there isn't enough time in the day to get all of it done.
Met up with good friend to go to the local art museum that had an awesome exhibit and had a most amazingly awesome SOCIAL day and hopefully we will be getting together to go out for a Starbucks Christmas coffee/cocoa.
Brother is coming home on the 19th; am comencing in getting my guards up and steeling myself to not react to whatever asshattery he comes up with on his visit (relationship with brother being strange in that he's only civil to me when he's a thousand miles away and when in close proximity is complete and utter asshole. Example being last Christmas when I was moved to actual violence and came VERY close to clubbing him with a baseball bat, no I am serious, because he managed to throw poisonous darts of fucking viciousness every chance he got. My favorite being about the dog; MY dog whom I have had and taken care of like my own child for the last fifteen years was dying and when asshat brother wasn't chiding us for not putting him down said to me when I failed to foresee the dog crapping on the rug that, 'You must really not love that dog'. Same dog that I had to put down two months later and damned near broke my heart and still makes me cry even though it was eight months ago. I spent Christmas day locked in my room writing out all hatred and anger I was feeling and refused to come down to dinner to sit at the table with him. So yes, brother and I do not get along and the only way to make holidays bearable is to ignore him until he goes away)
Deep breaths. I don't know why people love the holidays so much; it's basically one stressfilled month and a half until idiot relations go away and you can get back to a routine. Not to mention the extreme pressure on all sides, you must be with someone, you must be happy, you must dress in red plaids (puke), have Christmas cheer, charity, happiness when seriously if you're not a child then its just another day. Nobody even acknowledges the real existance for Christmas is, HELLO, to celebrate the birth of our Savior. Dear God, try telling that to the modern age; 'your religious aren't you?'
What a sucky world we inhabit. I think this is becoming my rant and rage journal.