Saturday, December 19, 2009

Dashboard Confessions

Wow, up earlier than usual. Stupid snowstorms have ruined my hedge; had to hack it back almost to the roots because its DEAD and was blocking the driveway. Having a crafty weekend and getting lots of plushes churned out (I like the spotted octopus plush the best, hung one on my bookcase). Today is also the day brother comes to visit but won't get here until about five o' clock but I have no intention of going over to my parents house for a while. Planning to spend the day thus: vaccum rug, sew up plushies, devote many evening hours to Xbox. Oh, and make tortilla soup for dinner. and study japanese (meant to do that anyway)
Sometimes my imagination drives me crazy. Like at night when I dream about people I knew, people that have greatly let me down (and you DREAM about them? really, stupid mind?!) and it got me into a thinking mood this morning and couldn't go back to sleep.
Why's and how's of life. How did it shape you as a human being? How can human nature be so capricious and cruel? Is this another Emo moment? Am I acting like a teenage girl, moaning, 'why don't they like me?' ehhhhh, I hope not.
More like, most of us are incomplete at the age of 22 (seriously when I think back on it, what the hell did I know about life, or anything?) Like I know now I chose poorly suited people to be my friends. I didn't realize how very...different a person I was and how difficult it is for someone who doesn't fit in the crowd to be accepted. It's truly one of the hardest things I've come to learn; yea I've got imagination and arts up the wazoo and I might have a decently working brain but being that different isolates you. That's what I've learned the best from my twenties; being different isolates you.
As much as I would love to moan- er say 'they left ME, they spurned ME, they are the ones who are horrible' and for a long time I did think that but after living some more I also came to understand things are so rarely one-sided. I did plenty of pushing away and I'm thinking I didn't express myself properly as to what exactly being Agoraphobic/Panic ridden meant socially.
Someday I think one of the most important things I can do is to be heard. I want to give disorders a voice. Panic attacks are a joke; people who succumb are weak, foolish, not in control, anyone who has a panic attack and lets the fear overcome them don't deserve to be called an American (with a capital A). We don't need no weak crazy scum that like in our society; same goes for all the crazies.
Funny how most of these 'disorders' are social and are deemed 'disorder' when you can't be a loud, obnoxious, social lovin' Amercian. Because quiet people are weak.
I've gone my whole life being underestimated because I'm 'quiet'. Everytime I lash out and stand up for myself I shock people that I can be angry, that I speak up when necessary, like it's completely astounding that as a human being I can have emotions and express them.
But I'm getting away from the original thought I created (injustice always gets my goat. Another post another time perhaps on Perceptions and Assumptions on our fellow human beings)
Back to sorting my thoughts and dreams. Maybe putting it blunty without wandering will make this a shorter entry.
I think I'm fixated on thinking back on these particular 'friends' because it was a particular time in my life when everything was changing. These were high school friends (first big hint there). One had a crush on me (guy) the other was my best friend (girl). Didn't want to date him she wanted to date him, they eventually got together. Now with my great understanding I see how things went; everything was conspired against me and my position.

First: first year of college, moved to new city from small town, new house - huge change.
Second: personal - family lost everything, home, money (not to mention 9/11) -extremely uncertain times (didn't even know if we would have money for food)
Third: 'friends' not understanding. Thinking back on it, all the crap that went down pretty much put me on a seperate planet from them. I remember what it was like (God, it was horrible) trying to survive my first semester of college courses, trying to be social, trying to cope with a future that was uncertain and scary. We'd never been without money before. Friends on the other hand had no such troubles, in fact had a normal life without worries. For me it was like every time I left my house I was living in terror; like a iron grip of subtle fear was crushing my chest, like having my brain knifed with unending anxiety and was getting worse with every waking day. How do you explain something like that to someone who has no idea?
'what are you afraid of? nothings going to happen'
yea, no shit. did you miss the part where I said DISORDER - doesn't have to have reason or rhyme. The disorder works by expressing repressed emotions and wishes caused by upheavels in life that in waking life you are not addressing. You don't acknowledge what's going on it comes out as fear/anxiety and I was trying so desperately to be 'normal'.
Fourth: awkward alliances. I don't think he ever got over his crush on me and my best friend never forgot that I was the one he wanted originally and never forgave me for it. You want to know something truly pathetic? After about four years we tentively got into touch. I never expressed my hatred for what they did. I thought we could start over - we even went out to lunch and hung out then I didn't hear from them again for another three years which gave me greater perspective on what was going on. He was a friend from high school; we grew up with one another, we have more in common than she does with him. He sees no reason not to keep in touch with old friends and, I expect, will always hold a small place of crush-ness for me and she'll never forget or forgive me for that. She never, NEVER initiated contact with me, my best friend whom I loved. I pretty much get the feeling she hates me and sees me as a parasite on their relationship. I would have loved to see the arguments they got into because of me. What I love the most is the trust my best friend had in me as a person; that she thought so highly of my character that she cut off all contact and slashed me out of their lives even though it was pretty obvious I was in a hell of a lot of trouble with my life. Forgetting the fact that my parents raised me with respect and honor and as my honored friends there was no way in hell I would ever do anything to harm either of them; including their relationship. Instead of say, communicating her fears and working towards a solution for everyone, she says 'get out of my life, bitch'.
Which brings me to last nights dream- I dream about them occasionally; just silly dreams of old times when we hung out and had fun. Then I get all worked up over old wounds. Because whether I like it or not they were a big part of my life and not having them in my life made a big impact. To see what it's become today - that they are as distant to me as a star in the sky, still hurts. That I loathed myself because of them, that I had to face my trials alone, that a kind word, that their support would have made an incredible difference in my life, that their presence would have made that much of a difference in the worst time of my life and they chose not to be a part of it - still gets me today. People make a difference; funny the smallest things lead to larger things that makes a difference down the road. I still want them in my life. And I'll always hate them.

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