Problems against Humanity
To the sniveling, posturing, mysongynist little zygote whom I saw in passing on campus today,
No. You are not funny, you are not cute, you are not clever for wearing a t-shirt reading 'I have the dick, so I make the rules.'
It it my sincere and utter hope that some enterprising woman will rip said dick off and shove it down your throat in hopes that perhaps you will learn some respect and decency for the female species. If it wouldn't give you the power rush that you so clearly and desperately desire I would have said, 'nice t-shirt, asshole' which would have probably escalated into violence because of the no-doubt asinine and male-ego inflated comment you would have come back with which would THEN have resulted in me punching you in the face.
One Pissed Off Feminist
This is not a loving humanity sort of day. I do not like it that whenever I cross the campus all I see are hoe-bags with their tits hanging out of their barely-there blouse and every five seconds someone says 'fuck' because AWESOME we're ADULTS now and I can say it ALL THE TIME cuz it's SO COOL.
I do not like what America is becoming. I do not like the self-absorbedness that society is leaning towards. I do not think burying your face in your laptop/cell phone/incessant texting is helping basic manners which are taking a nose dive. I hate the stupidity and rudeness around me. The inward narcissism that verges on a frightening sort of fixation. I hate being the minority. I hate that my parents are not divorced, I grew up going to Sunday School,that I was instilled with manners, the ablility to think about people other than me, a moral center and basic decency and that very few people are like me. I hate that I'm really smart not because I was born that way but because I choose to make myself that way. I ask questions, I search out answers, I have an obsession about knowing things, all sorts of things that when I see other people who are so satisfied with their humdrum, boring, narrowly confined little worlds with little interest in ever breaking out of their comfort zone, that they judge ME as abnormal, it really pisses me off. I hate it because it makes me feel like a freak.
Today while at Special Collections I had my suspicions strengthened.
I noticed as they hired new student workers and that over the past few weeks I've been getting less of a warm reception than when I first started. I've made some social blunders, I believe:
-I'm really not good with names. I'm just not. After the first thirty seconds of introduction I've forgotten your name. It takes me a while but I do get it eventually. I don't generally call people by their first names until I know them pretty well. In fact, it makes me feel super awkward calling someone older than me by their first name when I barely know them. I don't know the workers at all. I see them for three minutes when I walk into the door and that's it. Because I don't call them by their first names I've distanced them from me, therefore pissing them off.
-Small talk. Oh GOD how I hate small talk. I don't give a shit about your cat or dog or kids or how you have a dentist appointment at 1:00pm. I just don't. I don't mind you talking about it, apparently that's what people do and I understand that social amenity but don't expect me to reciprocate. Maybe I'm too mannish this way but when I say something it has a point or a reason. What I ate this morning, where I'm going later in the day, what small stupid things I'm doing aren't your business and are really quite boring as is listening to you. Talk to me about something interesting, intellectual, that you're off to join the circus, or you met the mayor buying tofu at the grocery store or SOMETHING. I don't care if people want to talk about the small things in life but I don't like that I get judged for not joining in. and that's how they see me, in part. The anti-social chick who comes in a couple of times a week to photograph the art books.
-Asking people about themselves. Another Small Talk thing. and this I do have to work on because I know I'm terrible at it. The problem with being a former shut-in is that you lose all concept of being social such as asking people how they are doing (which I have started to change as today I asked everyone I saw how they're doing). Apparently people don't think of my social awkwardness as shyness and they need to give me time to get to know them but read it as snobbiness that's directed towards them and is a personal insult.
What led towards these observations about the failing of my character? Little things. I know the Head of the Department likes me. She smiles and talks to me and asks me decent questions and asks me to do things for them. Some of the people in the department are iffy; they find me decent enough. And some (the ones who thrive on the social amenities of life) find me aloof and anti-social and hard to know, which I suppose is true to some extent. But instead of reading it as, 'well, maybe she's just shy and I have to be a little more outgoing towards her' or 'some people are just quiet but I bet she has an interesting personality once you get to know her' or even 'what a social idiot! I better show her how its done and make her talk to me' I get silence on their part and little whispering, giggling conversations. When two people sit up at the front desk and are talking loudly about one thing one moment, then bend over and whisper and giggle the next, does it not make you suspicious?
And its weird too. I have never been rude (honestly, courtesy has been ground into me by my mother. If I was rude to someone somehow she would know and take it out of my hide. its really terrifying) to these people. never. I might not talk a lot but I have always said 'please' and 'thank you'. I have always made sure to clean up after myself and stay longer to help with something. I have always made sure to offer my help to someone who may need it. Maybe that's why they're on the line about me. They might not outright dislike me but they don't feel very warm towards me either.
I have to wonder, sitting back and looking at it, where lies the responsiblity? Is it my responsiblity to change my outlook, my entire personal makeup if you will, to accommodate these people? Is that my responsiblity? To conform to fit? Do I go on being who I am, those who don't like it be damned? Its a lonely world when you don't fit.
At any rate, I don't have the answers. I will, as always, pray that someday I'm going to find someplace in which I fit. This weekend will be the family reunion so I'll write up what happened next monday.