Friday, October 2, 2009

In need of ventilation

I know I posted, like, yesterday but I have all this crappy emotion churning inside me and maybe if I write it out it won't hurt so much. I am so pissed off. At my life, at the country at the people who I surrounded myself with who just completely blow me off. I ask a lot of why's in my life. Why is it that even though I do the right things, go on the right paths, be nice and I ,out of everyone I knew in my life, I'm the one getting screwed. When I was younger I never had these problems. It wasn't a problem attracting new friends and romantic interests; hell, I had to beat people off with a stick. I had friends I really loved in high school and they grew up to be self-destructive, neurotic, back-stabbing bitches who enjoyed tormenting me. and yet through vague contacts and the internet I find out they're all doing better than I am. One is a famous artist that works for FAMOUS animation company's who goes to comic cons and gets mobbed by adoring fans, one lives in L.A. and has mediocre fame as an artist and the other has a string of messed up relationships that resulted in a kid.
What the hell have I done with my life?
I attempted to go to school and everything went to shit and I couldn't cope. So I spent five years alternatively being depressed and being in therapy. So I get it together and go to school like all good boys and girls thinking that maybe THIS time something will come of it. God, anything, a relationship, getting into trouble, a man, a change in life SOMETHING but nothing ever happens.
this is why I'm bitching to cyberspace where no one AGAIN knows or cares about me and what's going on (or not) in my life. The last 'boyfriend' I had ended up stalking me. I attract all the freaking weirdos. You don't believe me? Every few months when I'm out in public some guy will come up to me out of nowhere and start spouting cosmic nonsense. The last guy claimed my magnetism and strong personality turned him right around and I was a 'classy lady'. Why the hell can't it ever be someone whom I can actually have a relationship with?
Two months out of school and I'm ripping my hair out. There's no job I want to work. I DON'T WANT to work some stupid crap job that I hate just for money and I DON'T WANT to sit around the house and depend on my parents either.
I feel like, for all intents and purposes, I'm cursed. Like seriously, there's something about my life where I just manage to attract the most absurdly stupid situations and I'm too dumb or inexperienced to figure out how to change it. How the hell am I supposed to get out and meet people when I don't have any friends to go out with?
My extraordinary life as a social pariah.
I thought things would have been different if I went to college and graduated but its not any different from when I first crashed mentally. I'm still stuck in exactly the same place as I was almost TEN YEARS ago. Nothing has changed!
Except now I'm a social pariah with a college degree that's worthless because there's nothing out there. If I moved to L.A. or New York maybe I'd have a chance but my life is here. The only people in the world who give a crap about me are here. and I feel like this whole place is rejecting me. I never fit in anywhere here, never found people to get along with.
I feel like I'm always going to be in the same place. I'm just going to keep getting older but nothing is going to change. I'm always going to watch it happen to other people. They're going to get married, move up in their careers, spit out kids, everything is going to happen to them and nothing, NOTHING is ever going to happen to me. Like life is just avoiding me. The only things that happen to me are the really crappy things. Like having my grandmother die three years ago then having to put my dog down in Febuary. Then graduating but no one in my family gives a crap about it.
I know its stupid but I always thought life was going to be like the movies or like all those stupid books I've read. Like how there is always someone else waiting for you, even if you break up with your current boyfriend/friends. The Land of Your True Love/Friendship awaits you over the horizon. and its such a horrible lie. Sometimes there isn't anyone at all and you have to go through it all alone. I'm tired of it and I don't know how to change it. I didn't want this life. I thought out of all of my friends in high school, since I was the sanest, the most even tempered, the most morally aware, the one with the good family that things would just happen naturally. I was supposed to go to school. and graduate when I was 22. I was supposed to work then find a good man and get married. I was going to move to California and be an artist. I was going to be so many things. and now out of all those people I'm the biggest loser. What the hell have I done that warrents respect in the eyes of society?
No one knows me, knows of me and I really, really want to be seen. I'm just turning in circles without the vaguest idea of how to make something, ANYTHING happen. I want to be on par with those idiots I knew, I want something to be proud of. and I don't know how to make it happen. I know I have potential but its like I can't harness it. I'm always going off in too many different directions.
See, this is what happens when you sit in a house alone all day.

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