Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Treasure Hunting

It was nice to get away for the weekend, not that a lot really happens. I go into Old Lady mode and drink lots of tea and read books and go to flea markets so I can add to the already horrendous amount of crap that I already own. Expecting to go into the gallery today around two o' clock and have some new tactics for GM; we'll see how that goes. I suppose for this entry I can bring up the notion of 'appropriate' social behavior which has , in fact, done more harm to my life than brought me any improvement. There are plenty of books about gender role and behavior starting from birth. Does it sound right that you would give your boy child a pink blanket and doll? Or encourage your daughter to be a police officer? I don't think I'll go off into a major rant; this is old news and has been thorougly hashed by smarter people than me but I'd like to contribute a bit.
I can thank God and all the heavens that my parents don't fit the norm and never called me 'princess' and bought me minature kitchen sets and self-wetting dolls (horrifying brainwashing technique for children) thereby giving me delusions that I must be a caretaker and remain a sort of stationary pretty doll to be led through life by my big, strong competant male counterpart (I've yet to meet a man who can match me).
I can say that I've somehow been brainwashed into believing I must be 'nice'.
In fact, that's one memory I have during my formative years; posessing violent emotion even as a child I was given to screaming and throwing fits in anger. I actually remember feeling so much anger and frustration that the only way of expressing it was to throw myself to the floor and proceed to have a hissy fit (I think I was four years old, one of my earliest memories). Now eventually I learned self-control but I also remember that whenever I showed strong emotion, especially anger, my father would say the only way I could get what I wanted was to be sweet and nice.
and years of television, movies and God knows what other influence (and don't give me that movies/tv doesn't influence you bullshit because it does; humans imitate what they see whether or not it's realistic)
I came into being a young adult with some pretty off-kilter ideas. I had let my ex-boyfriend molest me because he was my boyfriend and I believed I had to do whatever he wanted in order to please him because pleasing your man is your number one priority. even if it hurts.
I came to believe that if I didn't get married by the time I was 25 and start a family then I was a failure and it's something I'm still struggling with today. That I can be over 25 without a boyfriend or children and still be worth something.
and the worse struggle I am dealing with now is a lifetime of brainwashing telling me I Must Be Nice.
I've seen what happens when you're Nice. When you try to please everyone. Never is there a more destruction thought pattern than putting everybody else before you. There was once a time when it was important to be nice and respectful and do your best to please other people but that's a long gone era. Nice gets you eaten alive. Nice makes you a doormat; makes you weak and when you are weak in this society you attract the sharks.
Hence the trouble with GM. Sensing blood in the water she attacks and stupid Nice me doesn't always defend. Any other person would have told her to shut the hell up, back the fuck off and let me do my job without you screaming in my ear. Probably ending the problem but possibly damaging the relationship with the gallery. Stupid Nice me is trying to negotiate an understanding between the two of us that doesn't lead to her into having a screaming hissy.
Or at least last long enough until May so I have a reference for job hunting telling prospective employers that I Am Great, hire me.
So intelligent women have to find a strange balance between bitch and Nice. To stop being nice but keep your compassion, to tell people who deserve it to go die in a fire but retain some semblance of humanity as well. Assertiveness is my biggest problem because all my life I've been told I'm Nice, to be Nice, to always be Nice to other people. and just like when I had to relearn math I have to relearn my behavior because Nice doesn't cut it.

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