Return to Sender
Struck a sort of bargain with Dad; if I do some serious yard work (I mean like moving rocks, weeding their one acre yard full of weeds ect. ect.) that he'll give me money to paint my bathroom and perhaps a little extra for shopping. Not exactly looking forward to moving rocks (mother wants a rock garden and a rock lined pathway) but it's better than nothing. and I REALLY want my bathroom painted. Still sucking at the job search. Like, really, there isn't anything out there. Have decided to give my body over to volunteering again, this time at the Special Collections in the school library. Stupid of me, really. I completely forgot about that place; and the fact I have connections. I took two semesters of Book Arts from one of the professors who helps out there so hopefully they will consider me as a volunteer. and if not it's off to the historical society OR the park.
Sliding into the inevitable birthday zone and finally I think some of the anxiety is wearing off a bit? other than bemoaning 'there goes my youth' hey it ain't so bad right? ha ha.
ha.
That's my next goal; find work before I'm 30. God, what a sad statement. that's it, i'm depressed again.
Monday, May 24, 2010
Monday, May 17, 2010
Investigating
Definitely no reply, so that's a no go. I am thinking that this is going to be the first in a long line of rejections over the summer. Perhaps thinking that I would work for the summer was too optimistic? More like I'll be applying all summer long and maybe by September I'll find a job. ha ha. Got a letter from Social Sercurity showing all my activity over the last ten years (haha! activity) My dad looked at it and said, 'yea, you need a job'. One thing I can say; judging from last September till now at least my mindset is more prepared then it was. I'm thinking if, in a week, I still don't get any bites I'm just going to go and volunteer at another place until I do find work. I can NOT sit around anymore. The gallery is mostly closed for the summer. There is one job I want sooo bad but I would have to commute an hour each way - its at a kind of theme park place that's looking for a retail clerk in a gift shop. Damn! figures doesn't it? that would be so perfect. Something is bound to turn up eventually. Big Fat Sigh; here starts the summer.
Definitely no reply, so that's a no go. I am thinking that this is going to be the first in a long line of rejections over the summer. Perhaps thinking that I would work for the summer was too optimistic? More like I'll be applying all summer long and maybe by September I'll find a job. ha ha. Got a letter from Social Sercurity showing all my activity over the last ten years (haha! activity) My dad looked at it and said, 'yea, you need a job'. One thing I can say; judging from last September till now at least my mindset is more prepared then it was. I'm thinking if, in a week, I still don't get any bites I'm just going to go and volunteer at another place until I do find work. I can NOT sit around anymore. The gallery is mostly closed for the summer. There is one job I want sooo bad but I would have to commute an hour each way - its at a kind of theme park place that's looking for a retail clerk in a gift shop. Damn! figures doesn't it? that would be so perfect. Something is bound to turn up eventually. Big Fat Sigh; here starts the summer.
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Almost, not quite
After spending a night stricken with anxiety and cold fear about spending nine hours on a shift I came to the conclusion that it may be better to search for a job with fewer hours. Nine am to Six pm is just...too long of a day for me at this moment. Not only that but I haven't had a reply yet so the position may already be filled. I also imagine that this is something I'm going to have to get used to; that in order to get a job at all I'm going to be sending out a lot of resumes before someone wants to interview me. Whheew. Damn, but its exhausting living in fear. You want to know what it's like? Like being between a rock and a hard place. Not working is horrible; filling empty days with hobbies that feel horrible because you're not really doing anything productive. And pushing to work; spending the days in living terror and anxiety at the unknown, knowing there really isn't any place that is willing to compromise with your unique mindset. Having to suck it up and live through the fear to move forward.
After spending a night stricken with anxiety and cold fear about spending nine hours on a shift I came to the conclusion that it may be better to search for a job with fewer hours. Nine am to Six pm is just...too long of a day for me at this moment. Not only that but I haven't had a reply yet so the position may already be filled. I also imagine that this is something I'm going to have to get used to; that in order to get a job at all I'm going to be sending out a lot of resumes before someone wants to interview me. Whheew. Damn, but its exhausting living in fear. You want to know what it's like? Like being between a rock and a hard place. Not working is horrible; filling empty days with hobbies that feel horrible because you're not really doing anything productive. And pushing to work; spending the days in living terror and anxiety at the unknown, knowing there really isn't any place that is willing to compromise with your unique mindset. Having to suck it up and live through the fear to move forward.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Bare Witness
To what may be an amazing turning point in a social phobics life; I may have found a job. I have been looking for the last couple of weeks, earnestly (this time) with a true intent of being honestly employed. Generally you wouldn't think finding a job is such a hard thing. But for me, being all weak and noodle-like, I have all these little hang-ups. To me part-time work does not include working 40+ hours a week and in fact, I don't think I could do that right now. My mind couldn't handle it (look how much trouble I had at the beginning of volunteering for four hours a day) Gigantic corporations are out; they treat their workers like soul-less robots to be used up and spit back out (not to mention I checked up on all the major stores in the city - Borders, JC Penny, Payless, Kohls, Whole Foods ect. ect. and every one of them had horrible ratings for employees. One review said Whole Foods had an 80% turnaround because they only wanted cheap labor and maximum hours - as soon as you complain about how crappy they're treating you BOOM, you're fired!)
The thought of being stuck in Kohls for even 4 hours a day is enough to make me break into a cold sweat.
So I wanted to find a non-corporation, smaller mom n' pop type place that would treat me more like a human being rather than a disposable robot. That really REALLY narrows the field. I looked at retail because that's what I've pretty much done in my shallow work field experience. I thought of all the places I shop and like and thought I could start by handing out resumes to each and every one (but knew that the chances of any of them hiring me was very, very slim).
Then I finally started skimming Craigs list. Which is surprising because I don't put a lot of stock into it (seeing all the trouble with prostitution and now robbery and murder directly linked to it)
After amusing myself with all the moronic 'dating' ads ('49 year old guy, super picky looking for hot twenty-something' wow. original) I found a job that may suit me.
It's a garden gift shop located at a historical ranch house. They want someone Monday and Tuesdays 9 - 6. Two days a week, about 16 hours a week. I think I could do that. Not to mention I get to keep volunteering at the gallery over the summer and build up experience being out in the work world again.
So perhaps in the fall I could either get more hours or find another job without so much trouble as I had this time.
It's hard to explain how bizarre this is for me. To someone who hasn't held a job for literally ten years the idea of being in one place for that amount of time it a little freaky. After so many years of getting used to being in college (and finally graduating) going back to the working world is like being in a foreign land. Being able to drive myself places again, pay bills, buy groceries, having an actual paycheck to put into my account - is something I haven't done since I was twenty.
I don't know if I'll get it; I'm going to email my resume in a couple of minutes. I don't know if I will be hired, though I really hope I will. For someone like me who revels in an unchanging world, this is difficult. To finally realize that I really am not part of the university anymore is hard - it was my training wheels, my crutch, my shelter. If I could work there I would in a heartbeat but there isn't anything. I loved being a student, I kinda wish I enjoyed myself more when I was there. Now I have to find myself a place in the world and I'm the sort of person who doesn't belong easily.
I don't want it to turn out like the fiascos I've had; where I work one day and suck so hard at it, hate it so much, that I sabotage it and get fired. Or I just leave and say, I'm not coming back. Getting a steady paycheck and driving is the huge, huge turning point in my life. You are truly crippled when you have to depend on other people to get you places. So. Here we go, life. Wish me luck.
To what may be an amazing turning point in a social phobics life; I may have found a job. I have been looking for the last couple of weeks, earnestly (this time) with a true intent of being honestly employed. Generally you wouldn't think finding a job is such a hard thing. But for me, being all weak and noodle-like, I have all these little hang-ups. To me part-time work does not include working 40+ hours a week and in fact, I don't think I could do that right now. My mind couldn't handle it (look how much trouble I had at the beginning of volunteering for four hours a day) Gigantic corporations are out; they treat their workers like soul-less robots to be used up and spit back out (not to mention I checked up on all the major stores in the city - Borders, JC Penny, Payless, Kohls, Whole Foods ect. ect. and every one of them had horrible ratings for employees. One review said Whole Foods had an 80% turnaround because they only wanted cheap labor and maximum hours - as soon as you complain about how crappy they're treating you BOOM, you're fired!)
The thought of being stuck in Kohls for even 4 hours a day is enough to make me break into a cold sweat.
So I wanted to find a non-corporation, smaller mom n' pop type place that would treat me more like a human being rather than a disposable robot. That really REALLY narrows the field. I looked at retail because that's what I've pretty much done in my shallow work field experience. I thought of all the places I shop and like and thought I could start by handing out resumes to each and every one (but knew that the chances of any of them hiring me was very, very slim).
Then I finally started skimming Craigs list. Which is surprising because I don't put a lot of stock into it (seeing all the trouble with prostitution and now robbery and murder directly linked to it)
After amusing myself with all the moronic 'dating' ads ('49 year old guy, super picky looking for hot twenty-something' wow. original) I found a job that may suit me.
It's a garden gift shop located at a historical ranch house. They want someone Monday and Tuesdays 9 - 6. Two days a week, about 16 hours a week. I think I could do that. Not to mention I get to keep volunteering at the gallery over the summer and build up experience being out in the work world again.
So perhaps in the fall I could either get more hours or find another job without so much trouble as I had this time.
It's hard to explain how bizarre this is for me. To someone who hasn't held a job for literally ten years the idea of being in one place for that amount of time it a little freaky. After so many years of getting used to being in college (and finally graduating) going back to the working world is like being in a foreign land. Being able to drive myself places again, pay bills, buy groceries, having an actual paycheck to put into my account - is something I haven't done since I was twenty.
I don't know if I'll get it; I'm going to email my resume in a couple of minutes. I don't know if I will be hired, though I really hope I will. For someone like me who revels in an unchanging world, this is difficult. To finally realize that I really am not part of the university anymore is hard - it was my training wheels, my crutch, my shelter. If I could work there I would in a heartbeat but there isn't anything. I loved being a student, I kinda wish I enjoyed myself more when I was there. Now I have to find myself a place in the world and I'm the sort of person who doesn't belong easily.
I don't want it to turn out like the fiascos I've had; where I work one day and suck so hard at it, hate it so much, that I sabotage it and get fired. Or I just leave and say, I'm not coming back. Getting a steady paycheck and driving is the huge, huge turning point in my life. You are truly crippled when you have to depend on other people to get you places. So. Here we go, life. Wish me luck.
Sunday, May 2, 2010
when the morning comes
I have officially hit the stir-crazy, cabin fever stage of being sick which I suppose means I'm better. Actually I am better; I feel perfectly fine except for being a little tired. Am also feeling the repercussions of watching paranormal tv shows all weekend; every little sound my house makes me twitch (and say, 'what was that!? did you hear that?!') even though I've lived here for nine years and it's a normal a house as can be. I actually had a lot of fun watching Destination Truth for a while, then after watching about ten or twelve shows I got tired of the staged paranormal junk and the cursing and decided it would be a much better show if they just focused on traveling, culture and cultural myths instead of trying to 'prove' the yeti really exists.
Twitchy brain tonight AND am missing social contact. The parents stop by for a couple of minutes for the last couple of days to make sure I have food but don't stay because they don't want to be sick either. Don't know what the friends are up to; all working I suppose.
Played Lora Craft for a while. It's a little frustrating because it was originally meant for playstation but I have an Xbox so it says 'press R' and there IS NO R, okay!?
Being alone all the time also gives my mind time to prey upon my fears of the future as well and snowball my anxiety towards finding meaningful work into terror that I'm going to end up in a doomed existence, checking out snotty customers for the rest of my life. I wish I were back in school. At least I knew the rules there.
and didn't have idiotic bosses taking their frustrations out on me.
May, huh? wow, sure came fast. A little faster than I expected. Nearly one year since I graduated.
Also watched, have been watching, the first season of Chuck. Isn't that like the everyman's wish? Boring, thankless job by day, superspy by night. Funny how many of those types of shows there are. Reminds me a bit of Wonderfalls. I really loved that show. Damn Fox for canceling that (and Firefly!!).
This is obviously becoming a meaningless rant in the vast endless supply of meaningless rants on blogs so I guess I'll wrap it up and go read a book or something. sigh.
I have officially hit the stir-crazy, cabin fever stage of being sick which I suppose means I'm better. Actually I am better; I feel perfectly fine except for being a little tired. Am also feeling the repercussions of watching paranormal tv shows all weekend; every little sound my house makes me twitch (and say, 'what was that!? did you hear that?!') even though I've lived here for nine years and it's a normal a house as can be. I actually had a lot of fun watching Destination Truth for a while, then after watching about ten or twelve shows I got tired of the staged paranormal junk and the cursing and decided it would be a much better show if they just focused on traveling, culture and cultural myths instead of trying to 'prove' the yeti really exists.
Twitchy brain tonight AND am missing social contact. The parents stop by for a couple of minutes for the last couple of days to make sure I have food but don't stay because they don't want to be sick either. Don't know what the friends are up to; all working I suppose.
Played Lora Craft for a while. It's a little frustrating because it was originally meant for playstation but I have an Xbox so it says 'press R' and there IS NO R, okay!?
Being alone all the time also gives my mind time to prey upon my fears of the future as well and snowball my anxiety towards finding meaningful work into terror that I'm going to end up in a doomed existence, checking out snotty customers for the rest of my life. I wish I were back in school. At least I knew the rules there.
and didn't have idiotic bosses taking their frustrations out on me.
May, huh? wow, sure came fast. A little faster than I expected. Nearly one year since I graduated.
Also watched, have been watching, the first season of Chuck. Isn't that like the everyman's wish? Boring, thankless job by day, superspy by night. Funny how many of those types of shows there are. Reminds me a bit of Wonderfalls. I really loved that show. Damn Fox for canceling that (and Firefly!!).
This is obviously becoming a meaningless rant in the vast endless supply of meaningless rants on blogs so I guess I'll wrap it up and go read a book or something. sigh.
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Slow Down
I hate being sick. Isn't it strange? Now that I've had a cold for two days I don't sleep at night, or I wake up at six in the morning. It's not even a really bad cold; its like a cold that can't make up it's mind. Some hours of the day I feel perfectly fine then I start sneezing and it makes my head ache and I start coughing and I go - oh yea, I'm sick. Actually I spent most of the day watching programs on Hulu. The sci-fi section is plenty entertaining - I've been having fun laughing myself out of my seat with Ghost Hunters and that (whatsit) Paranormal somethingorrather. I don't put a lot of stock in paranormal things though I admit there are plenty of unexplainable things out there. Just not on a national television show geared for entertainment of the masses. And most of it is so obviously fake. I mean, 'what was that!? did you hear that?!' and seriously I don't hear anything. Vastly amusing though and I love all the historical places they visit.
Paahhh.... nothing more boring than being sick. I did craft type stuff all day and my ass hurts from sitting.
Yesterday I went to work even though I was sick because I told GM that I would be there and I figured giving her a few hours notice that I had a cold and wouldn't come in would probably leave her in the lurch. I thought she would appreciate me coming. Wow, I love irony.
I told her I wouldn't be able to come in tomorrow (today) because something had come up and she throws another hissy of, 'well, you should have told me sooner' 'now I have to waste time trying to find someone to replace you' 'next time you have to give me more warning' ect. ect. ect. beeecaaause she's paying me to be there? oh wait! no, she's not. She does her wierd 360 thing then says, 'well, you don't have to show up' like she belatedly remembered she ain't paying me to be there. Wouldn't it be a fun world if you could say whatver the hell you are thinking and not have social repercussions? You have no idea how badly I wanted to say, 'my heart bleeds for you' or 'when you're paying me I'll give you a week's notice in advance' (because I plan on coming down with a cold, idiot)
It wasn't too much fun being there with my throat all messed up and my head aching (why the hell don't we change policies at work about being sick? most jobs say -show up or you're fired, I don't care if you're half dead' and then you give it to everybody else. Where do you think I got the cold in the first place with half of the gallery workers hacking and sneezing for the last two weeks?)
But sadly, unwritten social rules still bind me so I let her tirade all the way out the door then plopped down in a chair and made some tea. (ugh, I don't even want to think how much tea I've drank in the last two days - or how many toilet stops I've made)
Some small ripples of change in the past couple of weeks. Helped a friend move out of the house she was renting with other people (which fell through because of the economy). so now she's renting a room with five other medical students who plaster the house with helpful little reminders such as, 'quiet after 8p.m. to 6a.m.!' and 'wash your dishes and put them away!'. Then went to an art opening that featured my book arts teacher (oh God isn't it horrible how time slips away so fast - wasn't it yesterday that I took book arts instead of two years ago? Seems like it)
It's the strangest thing that I'm struggling to put into words - not quite friendship, not quite love, not quite sympathy but a combination of all three. My teacher is also my friend and it's so strange that I love her and what she does and what she represents and yet I don't even know her that well. Like, we just resonate on the same level, like you know you just click without even saying. The same thing with the book arts class every month - the Joy Luck Club all over again. These women are amazing and I'm just awed to be part of something so amazing - that they see me and they respect me and what I can do.
Had another friend come and visit and she had dinner at my parents place then we played silly computer games part of the night. uhhh, interesting thing happened with that. I opened my big fat stupid mouth last year about her rooming with me (in my tiny 900 square foot house) without really thinking what it would mean to open my home to another person (even if that person is a friend). She brought it up again over the weekend saying she's had it with living with her parents and having her brother steal money from her wallet and her crappy minum wage soul crushing job and wanted to come live with me and could I please, please let her live with me?
And honestly if this were a bigger house it would be no problem (seriously, it gets lonely living alone) but there is literally no space. We would have no space from one another. We would constantly be within ten feet of one another no matter where we are in the house and I'm too old and too set in my hermit ways to cram myself in with another human being who ain't my spouse or a family member (another thing would be that it would no longer be a family home, which it is because my daddy's supporting me right now and they come over any time of the day or night).
So I had to tell her no and it hurt me (and her, I'm sure). Still feeling the awkwardness - and sympathy because I know what's it's like to be crammed in with family members and constantly gnawing on one another and it makes me so, so greatful to have what I have. (even if it lonely)
I actually have a plan for my future (even though I feel the impending doom that I'm too old to do anything now however irrational a feeling it is, my last year of my twenties)
I'm looking for work now (and it's hard). I'm going to work. I'm going to save money over the summer. In the fall, if there is enough money I'm going to enroll at the community college to get an associates in Graphic Design (turns out I'm really good at designing things). I will continue to save money and concentrate on my langauge skill (Japanese) then someday will move to San Diego (or Berkely) and work as a translator in some capacity. Actually I want to be the person who translates manga or anime (damn that would be cool) but I would settle for a company that deals with asian import/exports. I expect by then I'll be quite ancient (Sweet God, probably 34) but it's a plan. and it starts here.
Isn't that strange? I've never planned in my life before but it kind of makes me excited. Can I do it, I wonder? Can I have the courage to leave everything I know behind? Can I make it work? Am I smart enough, motivated enough? There's a lag of regret now that I wonder if I'll be rid of; too little too late too old to change too hopeless, too cowardly. and if I do somehow manage to get everything I want, is it right? Will I hold it in my hand and say, wow this isn't what I wanted all along?
Well, that's too far for me to see at the moment. I'll settle for work that won't make me homicidal. That'll be a tricky one. onward and upward. (i can't sleep!!)
I hate being sick. Isn't it strange? Now that I've had a cold for two days I don't sleep at night, or I wake up at six in the morning. It's not even a really bad cold; its like a cold that can't make up it's mind. Some hours of the day I feel perfectly fine then I start sneezing and it makes my head ache and I start coughing and I go - oh yea, I'm sick. Actually I spent most of the day watching programs on Hulu. The sci-fi section is plenty entertaining - I've been having fun laughing myself out of my seat with Ghost Hunters and that (whatsit) Paranormal somethingorrather. I don't put a lot of stock in paranormal things though I admit there are plenty of unexplainable things out there. Just not on a national television show geared for entertainment of the masses. And most of it is so obviously fake. I mean, 'what was that!? did you hear that?!' and seriously I don't hear anything. Vastly amusing though and I love all the historical places they visit.
Paahhh.... nothing more boring than being sick. I did craft type stuff all day and my ass hurts from sitting.
Yesterday I went to work even though I was sick because I told GM that I would be there and I figured giving her a few hours notice that I had a cold and wouldn't come in would probably leave her in the lurch. I thought she would appreciate me coming. Wow, I love irony.
I told her I wouldn't be able to come in tomorrow (today) because something had come up and she throws another hissy of, 'well, you should have told me sooner' 'now I have to waste time trying to find someone to replace you' 'next time you have to give me more warning' ect. ect. ect. beeecaaause she's paying me to be there? oh wait! no, she's not. She does her wierd 360 thing then says, 'well, you don't have to show up' like she belatedly remembered she ain't paying me to be there. Wouldn't it be a fun world if you could say whatver the hell you are thinking and not have social repercussions? You have no idea how badly I wanted to say, 'my heart bleeds for you' or 'when you're paying me I'll give you a week's notice in advance' (because I plan on coming down with a cold, idiot)
It wasn't too much fun being there with my throat all messed up and my head aching (why the hell don't we change policies at work about being sick? most jobs say -show up or you're fired, I don't care if you're half dead' and then you give it to everybody else. Where do you think I got the cold in the first place with half of the gallery workers hacking and sneezing for the last two weeks?)
But sadly, unwritten social rules still bind me so I let her tirade all the way out the door then plopped down in a chair and made some tea. (ugh, I don't even want to think how much tea I've drank in the last two days - or how many toilet stops I've made)
Some small ripples of change in the past couple of weeks. Helped a friend move out of the house she was renting with other people (which fell through because of the economy). so now she's renting a room with five other medical students who plaster the house with helpful little reminders such as, 'quiet after 8p.m. to 6a.m.!' and 'wash your dishes and put them away!'. Then went to an art opening that featured my book arts teacher (oh God isn't it horrible how time slips away so fast - wasn't it yesterday that I took book arts instead of two years ago? Seems like it)
It's the strangest thing that I'm struggling to put into words - not quite friendship, not quite love, not quite sympathy but a combination of all three. My teacher is also my friend and it's so strange that I love her and what she does and what she represents and yet I don't even know her that well. Like, we just resonate on the same level, like you know you just click without even saying. The same thing with the book arts class every month - the Joy Luck Club all over again. These women are amazing and I'm just awed to be part of something so amazing - that they see me and they respect me and what I can do.
Had another friend come and visit and she had dinner at my parents place then we played silly computer games part of the night. uhhh, interesting thing happened with that. I opened my big fat stupid mouth last year about her rooming with me (in my tiny 900 square foot house) without really thinking what it would mean to open my home to another person (even if that person is a friend). She brought it up again over the weekend saying she's had it with living with her parents and having her brother steal money from her wallet and her crappy minum wage soul crushing job and wanted to come live with me and could I please, please let her live with me?
And honestly if this were a bigger house it would be no problem (seriously, it gets lonely living alone) but there is literally no space. We would have no space from one another. We would constantly be within ten feet of one another no matter where we are in the house and I'm too old and too set in my hermit ways to cram myself in with another human being who ain't my spouse or a family member (another thing would be that it would no longer be a family home, which it is because my daddy's supporting me right now and they come over any time of the day or night).
So I had to tell her no and it hurt me (and her, I'm sure). Still feeling the awkwardness - and sympathy because I know what's it's like to be crammed in with family members and constantly gnawing on one another and it makes me so, so greatful to have what I have. (even if it lonely)
I actually have a plan for my future (even though I feel the impending doom that I'm too old to do anything now however irrational a feeling it is, my last year of my twenties)
I'm looking for work now (and it's hard). I'm going to work. I'm going to save money over the summer. In the fall, if there is enough money I'm going to enroll at the community college to get an associates in Graphic Design (turns out I'm really good at designing things). I will continue to save money and concentrate on my langauge skill (Japanese) then someday will move to San Diego (or Berkely) and work as a translator in some capacity. Actually I want to be the person who translates manga or anime (damn that would be cool) but I would settle for a company that deals with asian import/exports. I expect by then I'll be quite ancient (Sweet God, probably 34) but it's a plan. and it starts here.
Isn't that strange? I've never planned in my life before but it kind of makes me excited. Can I do it, I wonder? Can I have the courage to leave everything I know behind? Can I make it work? Am I smart enough, motivated enough? There's a lag of regret now that I wonder if I'll be rid of; too little too late too old to change too hopeless, too cowardly. and if I do somehow manage to get everything I want, is it right? Will I hold it in my hand and say, wow this isn't what I wanted all along?
Well, that's too far for me to see at the moment. I'll settle for work that won't make me homicidal. That'll be a tricky one. onward and upward. (i can't sleep!!)
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
It could be wrong
Pulled my head in for a while. Odd isn't it, that emotion gets locked up inside me? isn't that the point of this stupid journal? Release the emotion! Vent with the pen! (or blog. whatever). The year marches on, month four of volunteering means its time to move onto the next step. The job hunt. Already been striking out. The world of the the web sucks ass for job seeking. Everything in this area has to do with truck driving, the medical industry or manager type positions - nothing in my area, nothing I would remotely want to do or even qualify for. God, this sucks. Which means I have to start making a list of every company small and large in the city and start prostrating myself for a job, any job, God someone give me a job.
I wish they paid me at the gallery. I wish I didn't have to become a cashier jockey, I wish I didn't have to wear an apron with my name on it, I wish I had a job that I actually wanted to go to, I wish I belonged somewhere already, I wish I knew more people. I wish my college wasn't going under water and could actually afford to pay their volunteers. I wish the local gallery had an opening and wasn't standing on it's last leg for money. Unhappy at the moment, back in the same situation as last fall - getting nowhere looking online for work, really REALLY not wanting to hit every store in the city for a job any job and ending up with a truly shitty job that will make me hate every waking moment of my life.
Crap. Here goes, huh?
Pulled my head in for a while. Odd isn't it, that emotion gets locked up inside me? isn't that the point of this stupid journal? Release the emotion! Vent with the pen! (or blog. whatever). The year marches on, month four of volunteering means its time to move onto the next step. The job hunt. Already been striking out. The world of the the web sucks ass for job seeking. Everything in this area has to do with truck driving, the medical industry or manager type positions - nothing in my area, nothing I would remotely want to do or even qualify for. God, this sucks. Which means I have to start making a list of every company small and large in the city and start prostrating myself for a job, any job, God someone give me a job.
I wish they paid me at the gallery. I wish I didn't have to become a cashier jockey, I wish I didn't have to wear an apron with my name on it, I wish I had a job that I actually wanted to go to, I wish I belonged somewhere already, I wish I knew more people. I wish my college wasn't going under water and could actually afford to pay their volunteers. I wish the local gallery had an opening and wasn't standing on it's last leg for money. Unhappy at the moment, back in the same situation as last fall - getting nowhere looking online for work, really REALLY not wanting to hit every store in the city for a job any job and ending up with a truly shitty job that will make me hate every waking moment of my life.
Crap. Here goes, huh?
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