Sunday, January 3, 2010

Oh Crap.

Having monumentally bad night. Missed church this morning, mother went without me and I think there was some sort of preservative in the chicken stock that's setting off the anxiety again. Or it could just be me. Do you have any idea how much I'm hating my life at this moment? How much the regret and resentment is pressing on my mind? This is my life; I'm here Sunday night all alone. I don't have a job to go to tomorrow, even the volunteer form I sent in hasn't been accepted. I have a degree that's worthless. I have a lot of talent and I don't know how or where to put it. I am so frightfully alone the only person I can call right now and cry to are my parents. This is not a fun feeling.
How did this happen? I never understood how I managed to be the odd one out. Why does everyone around me have somewhere to belong and I'm almost thirty and I still haven't found it. I haven't worked in almost ten years. To make any sort of change in my life seems to require years of effort. So, maybe, when I'm thirty-five I'll have a nice part-time job sacking grocery's somewhere.
I just, this is just one of those damn nights where you feel like your out of place, out of luck, with all your faults glaring you in the face. I'm still terrified of working. I still panicked when my friend came over to hang out and that was supposed to be enjoyable. I just don't understand why God made this way; why do I have to go through life like ...this. How do I change it? I'm terrified of my future. If I can't belong, if I can't find a place where I can support myself then what? It's becoming more unacceptable with each passing year. I just want a job I can do and some people that I can call when things get bad. I don't know what to do right now.

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