Scapegoat


Played hookey for the entire weekend (incidentally forgot Monday was a holiday) and now I'm finding myself coping with more aspects of a working life. I totally blew today off; oh yes I shouldn't have I know but I decided on Monday morning I didn't feel like coming in till Wednesday and honestly, as a volunteer, don't I have the right to decide when I will come in and donate free time? Isn't that why I decided on volunteering instead of working? Being torn in different directions by this whole volunteering thing. In one corner we have my father, the great weight of hard work ethic, give-it-everything-you've got-even-if-it-kills-you do everything you can and ask for more mentality that's pulling on me. I'm beginning to see where my patterns of panic come from; when you have that sort of pressure on you to do it, do it, DO IT no matter what it sort of warps you. So I'm starting to get flutters of panic when the curator emails me and says lets get together with GM to schedule you and last Thursday GM adopts the mentality that, after two days of working I should automatically know how every is supposed to work and I should start taking the weight of doing her job for her.
The other corner is me juggling nearly ten years of not working, there being no jobs, having these people treat me like they are actually paying me when they aren't (GM wanted me to baby-sit gallery today, all day when I said in my interview that I could devote maybe three hours a day to volunteering) and my only real work experience having been not a very good one. I did work for nearly two years at a gift shop in a Hyatt Regency; funny thing about middle-class jobs - they treat you like crap. So you've already worked eight days in a row? sorry bout' that, work for another four days. You've been working ten-hour shifts? well, I need you to stick around for a few more hours today. It got to the point where every employee jumped ship like rats on a sinking boat and there were only me and three other people working nearly 14 hour shifts, seven days in a row when I finally had a breakdown and quit. I later learned that the regional manager finally closed down the entire store, fired everybody and opened it later.
So I get a little jumpy when people start talking about 'working extra hours' and 'could you please stick around...' Being overworked and expected to take it or get fired sucks ass. I've been there, I went to college so I wouldn't be there again (or at least if I'm going to practically live where I work I want to work in something I like).
These people at this gallery are acting like I'm going to be the next gallery manager when I don't recall agreeing to it.
wait a minute, aren't I a volunteer? I agreed to this whole thing because it was supposed to be easy. I volunteered and didn't apply to work because as a volunteer you can come and go as you please, right? more or less? Sigh. Week two of me trying to be a real person in the real world. I wonder when I go down there tomorrow if they're going to fire me. from volunteering.