Geh.

Friday the 13th AND ten days left. Vetoed the idea of going to the coast for my birthday as San Francisco is becoming more and more prone to violence and its kinda freaky. I can just see it - '30 year old woman celebrating her birthday shot in gang crossfire'. I want to do something but I honestly can't think of anything big. No sky diving, no money to travel long distances (besides I suck at traveling anyhow) don't have any desire to go out and drink, don't have any really close friends (most of my friends are seclusional freaks like me anyhow). All I really want is a decent job and my car (money for insurance/gas for car). No minature golfing, no barbeque, Sacramento is blazing hot this time of year, already visited everything around here, don't wanna hike or shop or go to a spa. I don't know what to do with myself. I'll have to sit here and ponder.

The Initiative


I finally shamed myself into taking a more active step in shaping my life and lo! and behold Things are going on this week. I answered an ad in Craigslist for a local bar looking for artwork from local artists. I spoke to the owner on the phone and agreed to come in tomorrow to show him my portfolio. In order to do so I will have to take the bus down; it is something I have been fearing in the back of my head but now I don't have a choice, I have to go if I want a future as an artist. Stupidly it is also my mother's birthday and I clean forgot when I made that appointment so maybe afterwards we'll do something for her. Having a bitch of a time getting a hold of the book arts director so I can get in there and get my pop-up book going. Going to email him AGAIN for the third week in a row hoping that he will actually be there sometime this week.
Thursday I am consigning things at a local junk/antique shop including fabric things I've made from vintage patterns. The woman I showed them to seemed to like them a lot.
The special collections is training me to be a photographer. Like a REAL photographer so I can photograph their collection of artist books. Also got a sneak peak in the back storage unit and it was freaking awesome - it was like opening the door to the Tardis. Here's this little room with offices and boxes and tables then you open another door and it's THREE FOOTBALL LENGTHS OF WALL TO WALL BOOKS. Holy crap that was cool.
So. Here's to courage for the morrow that I can get on that bus and get myself downtown without having a panick attack so I may promote myself as a local artist. Here's to future escapades where I take the initiative to shape my own future. Here's to opening doors.

Sunrise


Sort of an odd start to the day. Very early day. The mother wanted to go to the neighboring state for a historic wine walk and at first I thought maybe I would want to go with. Then last night I thought weeell, it's a four hour drive down, it starts at ten am so we would have to leave around five in the morning, its hovering around the hundred degree mark WITH humidity, a two hour walk then a four hour drive back home - and then said I didn't really want to go. I thought she might cancel seeing how we do everything together pretty much but no, dad went with her so I'm squatting at their house alone for the whole day.
Not sure what to do. Finish dishes, finish watercolor I started yesterday, take a nap and possibly run down the street to Starbucks for a drink (even if I have to walk a good mile or so)
Probably job hunt online, play games?
What a boring Saturday. Though right now I think I want to watch the sun rise, the earth is already past the point where it rises four thirty in the morning. Wow, fall is coming already. will probably check back later with more details of my long long day. alone.

The spell you created

If Geek2Geek and Cupid.com is all that's out there in the dating pool I'm going to die a spinster. On the other hand it is useful for entertainment purposes. 'I like hiking, xbox and WoW' is like 90% of what men are into. Not much here; supertastic boring research work for special collections, bugger me hot and no job prospects.

Overwhelming

Is it really August? Oh dear. Thankfully I can say that Saturday was the last day for Auto L's show and that on one hand I like the guy but on the other hand holy crap he was a pain in the ass. Well, seeing how I am still jobless it looks as though I shall continue on volunteering at the Gallery along with Special Collections. Wavering between death by chocolate or throwing myself off a bridge for my birthday. Chocolate sounds like more fun. Trying not to think of imminant loserdom that, at the fantastic great age of thirty, I will be exactly where I was five years ago except now I have a college degree worth exactly squat.
Life goes on, the family reunion is next month in which I get to see my cousins who will bring their boyfriends and ask me what have I done with my life recently.
Trying to find a gallery in the city that will take my things. Don't know how this will work out seeing how art is dying right and left as the ecomony continues to dwindle.
Have fully embraced my old woman-ness with gardening. Weeding, rather. Trying to make the front yard look nice, if only the grass would cooperate. Fighting an ever lasting war with weeds that seem to pop up every time I yank them out.
Facing phantom limb pain as september rolls by without me being in college. September college was the nicest feeling the world. would settle for a job. onward pointless life in that perhaps someday you'll find meaning.

We've reached the end

Countdown. The last month of twenty nine. I've decided to throw a really big party. ha. 'really big' in this sense means inviting people who are more or less mere aquaintance's and hoping they show up. more like a pot luck party where people can come and go as they please. hoping to get a friend involved seeing how our birthdays are a week apart but so far she doesn't seem too enthusiastic about it. was supposed to go to another party (and seriously this was so exciting to me seeing how I haven't been invited to anyone's party in years) but of course my life being how it is, her brother died the Sunday before so it was canceled. was thinking about making our joint birthday party a triple birthday party to include our friend who's poor brother died on the eve of her birthday.
Feeling somewhat powerless of late. Trying to change destiny is difficult and it seems my life is destined to squat in mediocre non-being and to continue aging to the point where I AM that old woman who collects cats (even though I'm allergic). I can't even get myself a decent job. Beyond hope, beyond changing, beyond it all; it seems perhaps nothing at all is going to happen in my 29th year or any other year for that matter. This day is a day of pissed off depression.

Of Acceptance

Staring over many different views of my life over the last two weeks or so. On the social side I've met people, been doing things with people, been volunteering and have met people but have also been led to believe that my life has reached some sort of strange, strange niche that leaving may prove to be impossible. Why I read those social commentary lists is beyond me but here we go. According to society (this is hardly new to me) I'm a 'red flag'. What does that mean? I'm religious, I believe God has a plan for me. I am very close to my parents(actually, my entire family), my mother is my closest friend. I still depend on them. I haven't had a boyfriend in years. I don't have a wide social circle. I don't have a full-time job I've worked for the last ten years. I'm sensitive and emotional. All of these things apparently condemn me. Oh, and I don't think I want children. Hot DAMN that's even worse!
For some reason after reading that list and being in society all this time it doesn't bother me so much. What I have learned is that most of what people tell you is bullshit. Complete and utter.
They tell you if your guy is close to his mother you better run. Is it seriously that bad that he loves his parents? That if he loves comic books its a sign that he never grew up. So what the hell does that say about me? I'm a freaking artist, I plan to draw illustrations/comics for a living. It seems more like to me that this is just another bullshit attempt of the general population to draw lines at what is 'normal'. That we should all follow in the lines and not differ. and of course if we don't ever break the mould what the hell happens to us as a society? Seriously, the stupidity of the general public. People didn't understand and hated Da Vinci, thought of him as a wacky old coot. and if he wasn't Da Vinci who would he have been?
It seems as though the older I get and more experience I have, sadly the more I dislike the world around me. The world is just so full of stupid its disheartening. Is it any wonder I'm not socially inclined?
So enough of disjointed thoughts. A brief update.
Fourth of July was boring but I ate nice food and visited a cool place. Volunteering has been awesome. Ex GM tried to rope me into taking her shift but I refused. Special Collections tomorrow. Working on illustrating a book and getting it published. (two books actually). Summer is finally acting like summer, getting to be towards 100 degrees. Have small idea to sell things at local junk/antique shop for a little bit of money. and finally have had it driven clearly home how bad the state of the economy is out there. There is literally NOTHING for jobs. Only things like truck driver, nurse, dentist, legal secretary and various really, really crappy jobs. Rather disheartening. I just want to work at the University.