Is it Any Wonder Everybody Hates Us?


Reality shows disturb me. People thatlove reality shows disturb me in the fact they take it for face value. The people behind reality shows are corrupt, flesh-eating maggots that will have a very special place in the afterlife. Especially so for whatever hateful subhuman pimp bastard that thought up Bad Girls Club.
Seeing that its on Hulu I've watched a few episodes now and my happy place for humanity has been violated.
I just can't get behind the reasoning of this show. I mean, I get it - it boils down to money and people pay for sleazy entertainment. Sex sells, that's the bottom line of selling. But if you really slice behind the neuroticism, the anger, hatred, cat fights, boozing and reprehensible behavior you have a show that is entirely corrupt and should be yanked from the air waves.
Firstly is the flimsy, failed excuse of 'helping' (HAHAHAHA!!) these young women by...putting a rag-tag group of emotionally disturbed, in severe need of some kind of therapy, drunken, skeevey, scraping the bottom of the barrel, if you can even call them, ladies in a mansion with alcohol and sharp objects then let them stew until explosion occurs. Because who doesn't like a cat fight?
There is so much hatred for women involved in this show is makes me sick. It makes me sick someone would even think this up to begin with. This is on the level of such extraordinary corruptness I don't even know where to begin. The cheap and meaningless sex? Zero morality of any kind? The fact that these behaviors that are termed 'bad' for a reason are put into the spotlight as something sought after? That this show has incredible popularity only eggs on the general public to believe that they, too, should be a 'bad' girl?
That this is the America I live in, that this behavior is now being grounded into young women as something good - that over and over and over the roommates constantly attack one another and say they aren't 'bad' enough to stay in the house. The same house, supposedly,that was supposed to 'help' these women with their issues. This behavior sickens me. Women are taught to be catty, hateful and backstabbing - that being a 'bad' girl is good when in fact all it does is cripple you in the long run. How far can you expect to get in life when your repertoire includes alcohol poisoning, pole dancing, STDs, and backtalk? The fact that the network recruits these women and uses them in this way for entertainment is sick.
I've heard the entertainment industry was corrupt but the Bad Girls Club drives home how far we have fallen as a nation.

Frustrations


I don't like this rut my life has taken; I volunteer every week, I have Thursday free, I visit my parents over the weekend and Monday it starts all over again without any changes. I am now actively searching for some kind of work and it isn't working out very well. I'm applying my skills to quite a few places in the city and not getting any replies or just getting outright rejected. Not having money, not earning money and aging on top of it is damned stressful. I don't like this night. I don't like waiting for my life to start.

Realisms


Its rather a shock to learn, as an adult, that the concepts you had growing up are false. Take this morning (better yet, take the last year of my life). I had scheduled a meeting with someone through the tech. department to help me better understand Photoshop. I understand this was completely out of her own time, effort and schedule but usually when someone says 'Friday at 9:00am' I expect them to be there at Friday 9:00am or at least leave a note saying 'I couldn't make it, lets reschedule'.
These are the ideals my parents have taught me. And in the Real World they don't stand true. The reality of the world is that people are totally and completely unrealiable. I can't even begin to count how many people have blown me off, not shown up, not called back, not done what they say they were going to do. It makes me wonder, struggling in this world, how and if I will ever get ahead. The deepest fear I have is that, this is it. I'm going to spend the next twenty years doing exactly this; trying and trying and trying to get somewhere and nobody is going to give me a hand. In this instance people would say, 'You have to get tough, get hard, play hard ball' ect. but. How exactly? If I can't get my foot into the proverbial door how do I play at all? Rob a bank? Become a mobster? Strip for a living?
Oddly enough every single rejection I get just makes me all the more hell bent on making it.

Pawned

As an alternative source of income I decided to bring some things in to the local junk shop to sell. It was kind of funny. The lady in charge of selling had a hard poker face. I had some decent things to sell, not high grade antiques (if that were the case, they would be sold on Ebay) but trinkets that were worth a few dollars. Once nice vintage lamp with ceramic flowers with a shade. 50's cocktail picks, vintage metal frames ect. ect. What did she say?
Well, first she sat in her chair in total silence while I piles things on the counter. She takes her time rifling through then says, 'there isn't anything here that's really high quality' in a totally flat voice. She flicks a couple of things away saying they aren't worth anything then heaves a big sigh and says, 'well. I could give you fifteen dollars for this, and that's being generous'. must be a stock line for buyers (how often to you hear Rick say that on Pawn Stars?)
Well the great thing is I didn't spend more than a buck for each of those items (some less) so from five bucks or so I got a ten dollar profit. Beans, but beans I didn't have before.
You know the horrible part? She's going to drive those prices up three/four times what she paid me. That seems to be the way of pawning/selling.
God I need a job.

Sigh


Feeling better. Blow-outs with family members is not a fun thing. Especially when they throw all your flaws in your face. Back to life as usual. Working for free, no job offers, no change. Lighting at Special Collections is having problems, have to figure that out tomorrow. nice weather, keeping busy nontheless, we'll see what happens.

I Was Waiting for This


Monumentally bad night. Will give short version of events at Reunion. Barely knew anybody; this branch of the family is one I've met once in my life. Didn't fit in, didn't socialize well and realized what little snots my cousins are. Nice to know that even in my family I'm uncool. Everyone, of course, idolized my brother. My hair did not like the humidity so I look like the bride of Frankenstein in my photos. Car broke down, dad's email account got hacked, my cell phone chose that weekend to die its final death, San Diego during Labor Day was FREAKING. CROWDED. How the hell do people live like that? Crammed in like sardines? Aunties and Uncle are incredible gossips. Felt uncomfortable being around them the entire time. Family secrets were laundered, publicly, causing some dissent. but there were good points too. Very beautiful place, if a little too nice. Sitting around the beach with palm trees and coconuts can get boring real fast as does picture perfect houses and people.
My uncle is a hoot. Showed my stupid art blog to people and they seemed to like it. maybe they'll think I'm a little bit less of a loser than before. Which brings us to tonight.
Yesterday we spent 12 freaking hours in a car. Today had to get groceries because I had none. Crankiness brought out the best in us so:
here's the skinny of my life at fucking thirty years old. I am a loser of immense proportions;
yes I fucking suck. I have no life, I have no job, I have no boyfriend, children or potential boyfriend or social life. I have no job prospects. I don't want to fucking work at Kohls. Or Wal-Mart. or Home Depot and congratulations to all the people who do because yes, you're better than me. but at I have my sanity. people don't like me, i'm not friendly, i'm not social, i don't text, i don't buy expensive things, i shop at a thrift store, i like being intellectual, not popular. as both my parents, BOTH of them jumped down my goddamned throat tonight they also pointed out that I'm too old for this. too old to be out of work, too old to be dependant on them because it's a shitload of fun for me to be dependent at thirty. having a whole lotta fun here and even more fun at the reunion explaining how fucking awesome I am sans marriage, job, boyfriend, potential future, close friends, success and any hope of being successful because apparently I won't ever be.

Problems against Humanity


To the sniveling, posturing, mysongynist little zygote whom I saw in passing on campus today,


No. You are not funny, you are not cute, you are not clever for wearing a t-shirt reading 'I have the dick, so I make the rules.'
It it my sincere and utter hope that some enterprising woman will rip said dick off and shove it down your throat in hopes that perhaps you will learn some respect and decency for the female species. If it wouldn't give you the power rush that you so clearly and desperately desire I would have said, 'nice t-shirt, asshole' which would have probably escalated into violence because of the no-doubt asinine and male-ego inflated comment you would have come back with which would THEN have resulted in me punching you in the face.

Regretfully yours,

One Pissed Off Feminist


This is not a loving humanity sort of day. I do not like it that whenever I cross the campus all I see are hoe-bags with their tits hanging out of their barely-there blouse and every five seconds someone says 'fuck' because AWESOME we're ADULTS now and I can say it ALL THE TIME cuz it's SO COOL.
I do not like what America is becoming. I do not like the self-absorbedness that society is leaning towards. I do not think burying your face in your laptop/cell phone/incessant texting is helping basic manners which are taking a nose dive. I hate the stupidity and rudeness around me. The inward narcissism that verges on a frightening sort of fixation. I hate being the minority. I hate that my parents are not divorced, I grew up going to Sunday School,that I was instilled with manners, the ablility to think about people other than me, a moral center and basic decency and that very few people are like me. I hate that I'm really smart not because I was born that way but because I choose to make myself that way. I ask questions, I search out answers, I have an obsession about knowing things, all sorts of things that when I see other people who are so satisfied with their humdrum, boring, narrowly confined little worlds with little interest in ever breaking out of their comfort zone, that they judge ME as abnormal, it really pisses me off. I hate it because it makes me feel like a freak.

Today while at Special Collections I had my suspicions strengthened.
I noticed as they hired new student workers and that over the past few weeks I've been getting less of a warm reception than when I first started. I've made some social blunders, I believe:

-I'm really not good with names. I'm just not. After the first thirty seconds of introduction I've forgotten your name. It takes me a while but I do get it eventually. I don't generally call people by their first names until I know them pretty well. In fact, it makes me feel super awkward calling someone older than me by their first name when I barely know them. I don't know the workers at all. I see them for three minutes when I walk into the door and that's it. Because I don't call them by their first names I've distanced them from me, therefore pissing them off.

-Small talk. Oh GOD how I hate small talk. I don't give a shit about your cat or dog or kids or how you have a dentist appointment at 1:00pm. I just don't. I don't mind you talking about it, apparently that's what people do and I understand that social amenity but don't expect me to reciprocate. Maybe I'm too mannish this way but when I say something it has a point or a reason. What I ate this morning, where I'm going later in the day, what small stupid things I'm doing aren't your business and are really quite boring as is listening to you. Talk to me about something interesting, intellectual, that you're off to join the circus, or you met the mayor buying tofu at the grocery store or SOMETHING. I don't care if people want to talk about the small things in life but I don't like that I get judged for not joining in. and that's how they see me, in part. The anti-social chick who comes in a couple of times a week to photograph the art books.

-Asking people about themselves. Another Small Talk thing. and this I do have to work on because I know I'm terrible at it. The problem with being a former shut-in is that you lose all concept of being social such as asking people how they are doing (which I have started to change as today I asked everyone I saw how they're doing). Apparently people don't think of my social awkwardness as shyness and they need to give me time to get to know them but read it as snobbiness that's directed towards them and is a personal insult.

What led towards these observations about the failing of my character? Little things. I know the Head of the Department likes me. She smiles and talks to me and asks me decent questions and asks me to do things for them. Some of the people in the department are iffy; they find me decent enough. And some (the ones who thrive on the social amenities of life) find me aloof and anti-social and hard to know, which I suppose is true to some extent. But instead of reading it as, 'well, maybe she's just shy and I have to be a little more outgoing towards her' or 'some people are just quiet but I bet she has an interesting personality once you get to know her' or even 'what a social idiot! I better show her how its done and make her talk to me' I get silence on their part and little whispering, giggling conversations. When two people sit up at the front desk and are talking loudly about one thing one moment, then bend over and whisper and giggle the next, does it not make you suspicious?
And its weird too. I have never been rude (honestly, courtesy has been ground into me by my mother. If I was rude to someone somehow she would know and take it out of my hide. its really terrifying) to these people. never. I might not talk a lot but I have always said 'please' and 'thank you'. I have always made sure to clean up after myself and stay longer to help with something. I have always made sure to offer my help to someone who may need it. Maybe that's why they're on the line about me. They might not outright dislike me but they don't feel very warm towards me either.
I have to wonder, sitting back and looking at it, where lies the responsiblity? Is it my responsiblity to change my outlook, my entire personal makeup if you will, to accommodate these people? Is that my responsiblity? To conform to fit? Do I go on being who I am, those who don't like it be damned? Its a lonely world when you don't fit.
At any rate, I don't have the answers. I will, as always, pray that someday I'm going to find someplace in which I fit. This weekend will be the family reunion so I'll write up what happened next monday.

The First Week of 30...

Is a lot like that last year of 29. The first day of thirty *gag* was spent shopping and ended in sushi and tea. that was fun. the first week was a lot like last week. started photographing the Special Collections vast array of artist books. Sweated in the heat, was grateful it rained yesterday and today dealt with life issues such as my stove (my really, really old retro 1947 stove) gave out so I will survive on a hot plate and frozen dinners until we figure out a replacement or fix it (new wiring?). This weekend will be a family reunion in which I get to talk to relatives about how I'm...jobless, a spinster and see no change of these circumstances for the immediate future.
Seems as though for the moment I'm through with the gallery (and the ex-GM for which I am REALLY REALLY GRATEFUL. Freaking psychopath). Am so desperately hoping for a job at Special Collections which will never happen. Found a bicycle from the depths of granpa's garage. With new tires it'll be good to go and I will have a way to get myself downtown without taking the damned bus.
Have TONS of art ideas, now I need to get them on paper and in a portfolio. and life marches on. and on and on and on.

Of Monumental Events. Or not.

As many nights of my life of the last two years I sit here on the Saturday before the Big One. Trying to coax words of brilliance to leave for my future self and whoever else may read this dribble. I think the only thing I can take away from being twenty something is how little I really know. I’ve barely begun to understand Life As it Is and can only hope that in the future I can live each day, each year with goals and focus and knowledge that I’ve lacked in the last ten. I’ve learned painfully, wholeheartedly that my way of life is different and will never be like anyone else’s and its fine. That is- if I may, if God wills it I want to accomplish Big Things – though I do not know what. I can say on the last day of twenty-nine that I don’t feel any different from what I felt from when I was twenty five. Minor differences that only experience has lent me. Which I suppose sums it all up; its what experience makes of you not your age. From this day forward I want to leave behind old baggage and regrets as old bitterness and anger hasn’t gotten me very far. Stop being angry, stop feeling cheated, stop wishing it were different. I want to live the life I fantasized about as a stupid teenager. I want to see each day out, I want to do as many different things as I can. Its shaky ground from here. Like any foolish youngin’ I never imagined turning thirty could happen to me, I am unprepared. Life isn’t the way I expected it to be, this isn’t where I wanted to be. I don’t know what will happen from here; it feels like uncharted territory. I only hope I have learned enough to keep my head above water, whatever may come I know at least some of it will be difficult. Not much more to say. I always agreed with the motto ‘keep it short and sweet’.

Fargo's Goo


Laaaaaaassst week. Somewhat interesting things going on. Dinner party at the parents house over the weekend. Kind of in at the bar downtown with my artwork; hafta call back AND finish another four paintings in two days (its okay, acrylic is fast and easy to work with). Friend bought Xbox 360 and is lending it to me along with Fable 2 (WOW). Special Collections tomorrow; will be learning a crash course in photography. Need to make cards and other craft things for everybody's birthday which seems to be in August. Took mom out for her birthday to restaurant with snooty hostess, ate a spicy chicken burrito and all in all an interesting week.

Geh.

Friday the 13th AND ten days left. Vetoed the idea of going to the coast for my birthday as San Francisco is becoming more and more prone to violence and its kinda freaky. I can just see it - '30 year old woman celebrating her birthday shot in gang crossfire'. I want to do something but I honestly can't think of anything big. No sky diving, no money to travel long distances (besides I suck at traveling anyhow) don't have any desire to go out and drink, don't have any really close friends (most of my friends are seclusional freaks like me anyhow). All I really want is a decent job and my car (money for insurance/gas for car). No minature golfing, no barbeque, Sacramento is blazing hot this time of year, already visited everything around here, don't wanna hike or shop or go to a spa. I don't know what to do with myself. I'll have to sit here and ponder.

The Initiative


I finally shamed myself into taking a more active step in shaping my life and lo! and behold Things are going on this week. I answered an ad in Craigslist for a local bar looking for artwork from local artists. I spoke to the owner on the phone and agreed to come in tomorrow to show him my portfolio. In order to do so I will have to take the bus down; it is something I have been fearing in the back of my head but now I don't have a choice, I have to go if I want a future as an artist. Stupidly it is also my mother's birthday and I clean forgot when I made that appointment so maybe afterwards we'll do something for her. Having a bitch of a time getting a hold of the book arts director so I can get in there and get my pop-up book going. Going to email him AGAIN for the third week in a row hoping that he will actually be there sometime this week.
Thursday I am consigning things at a local junk/antique shop including fabric things I've made from vintage patterns. The woman I showed them to seemed to like them a lot.
The special collections is training me to be a photographer. Like a REAL photographer so I can photograph their collection of artist books. Also got a sneak peak in the back storage unit and it was freaking awesome - it was like opening the door to the Tardis. Here's this little room with offices and boxes and tables then you open another door and it's THREE FOOTBALL LENGTHS OF WALL TO WALL BOOKS. Holy crap that was cool.
So. Here's to courage for the morrow that I can get on that bus and get myself downtown without having a panick attack so I may promote myself as a local artist. Here's to future escapades where I take the initiative to shape my own future. Here's to opening doors.

Sunrise


Sort of an odd start to the day. Very early day. The mother wanted to go to the neighboring state for a historic wine walk and at first I thought maybe I would want to go with. Then last night I thought weeell, it's a four hour drive down, it starts at ten am so we would have to leave around five in the morning, its hovering around the hundred degree mark WITH humidity, a two hour walk then a four hour drive back home - and then said I didn't really want to go. I thought she might cancel seeing how we do everything together pretty much but no, dad went with her so I'm squatting at their house alone for the whole day.
Not sure what to do. Finish dishes, finish watercolor I started yesterday, take a nap and possibly run down the street to Starbucks for a drink (even if I have to walk a good mile or so)
Probably job hunt online, play games?
What a boring Saturday. Though right now I think I want to watch the sun rise, the earth is already past the point where it rises four thirty in the morning. Wow, fall is coming already. will probably check back later with more details of my long long day. alone.

The spell you created

If Geek2Geek and Cupid.com is all that's out there in the dating pool I'm going to die a spinster. On the other hand it is useful for entertainment purposes. 'I like hiking, xbox and WoW' is like 90% of what men are into. Not much here; supertastic boring research work for special collections, bugger me hot and no job prospects.

Overwhelming

Is it really August? Oh dear. Thankfully I can say that Saturday was the last day for Auto L's show and that on one hand I like the guy but on the other hand holy crap he was a pain in the ass. Well, seeing how I am still jobless it looks as though I shall continue on volunteering at the Gallery along with Special Collections. Wavering between death by chocolate or throwing myself off a bridge for my birthday. Chocolate sounds like more fun. Trying not to think of imminant loserdom that, at the fantastic great age of thirty, I will be exactly where I was five years ago except now I have a college degree worth exactly squat.
Life goes on, the family reunion is next month in which I get to see my cousins who will bring their boyfriends and ask me what have I done with my life recently.
Trying to find a gallery in the city that will take my things. Don't know how this will work out seeing how art is dying right and left as the ecomony continues to dwindle.
Have fully embraced my old woman-ness with gardening. Weeding, rather. Trying to make the front yard look nice, if only the grass would cooperate. Fighting an ever lasting war with weeds that seem to pop up every time I yank them out.
Facing phantom limb pain as september rolls by without me being in college. September college was the nicest feeling the world. would settle for a job. onward pointless life in that perhaps someday you'll find meaning.

We've reached the end

Countdown. The last month of twenty nine. I've decided to throw a really big party. ha. 'really big' in this sense means inviting people who are more or less mere aquaintance's and hoping they show up. more like a pot luck party where people can come and go as they please. hoping to get a friend involved seeing how our birthdays are a week apart but so far she doesn't seem too enthusiastic about it. was supposed to go to another party (and seriously this was so exciting to me seeing how I haven't been invited to anyone's party in years) but of course my life being how it is, her brother died the Sunday before so it was canceled. was thinking about making our joint birthday party a triple birthday party to include our friend who's poor brother died on the eve of her birthday.
Feeling somewhat powerless of late. Trying to change destiny is difficult and it seems my life is destined to squat in mediocre non-being and to continue aging to the point where I AM that old woman who collects cats (even though I'm allergic). I can't even get myself a decent job. Beyond hope, beyond changing, beyond it all; it seems perhaps nothing at all is going to happen in my 29th year or any other year for that matter. This day is a day of pissed off depression.

Of Acceptance

Staring over many different views of my life over the last two weeks or so. On the social side I've met people, been doing things with people, been volunteering and have met people but have also been led to believe that my life has reached some sort of strange, strange niche that leaving may prove to be impossible. Why I read those social commentary lists is beyond me but here we go. According to society (this is hardly new to me) I'm a 'red flag'. What does that mean? I'm religious, I believe God has a plan for me. I am very close to my parents(actually, my entire family), my mother is my closest friend. I still depend on them. I haven't had a boyfriend in years. I don't have a wide social circle. I don't have a full-time job I've worked for the last ten years. I'm sensitive and emotional. All of these things apparently condemn me. Oh, and I don't think I want children. Hot DAMN that's even worse!
For some reason after reading that list and being in society all this time it doesn't bother me so much. What I have learned is that most of what people tell you is bullshit. Complete and utter.
They tell you if your guy is close to his mother you better run. Is it seriously that bad that he loves his parents? That if he loves comic books its a sign that he never grew up. So what the hell does that say about me? I'm a freaking artist, I plan to draw illustrations/comics for a living. It seems more like to me that this is just another bullshit attempt of the general population to draw lines at what is 'normal'. That we should all follow in the lines and not differ. and of course if we don't ever break the mould what the hell happens to us as a society? Seriously, the stupidity of the general public. People didn't understand and hated Da Vinci, thought of him as a wacky old coot. and if he wasn't Da Vinci who would he have been?
It seems as though the older I get and more experience I have, sadly the more I dislike the world around me. The world is just so full of stupid its disheartening. Is it any wonder I'm not socially inclined?
So enough of disjointed thoughts. A brief update.
Fourth of July was boring but I ate nice food and visited a cool place. Volunteering has been awesome. Ex GM tried to rope me into taking her shift but I refused. Special Collections tomorrow. Working on illustrating a book and getting it published. (two books actually). Summer is finally acting like summer, getting to be towards 100 degrees. Have small idea to sell things at local junk/antique shop for a little bit of money. and finally have had it driven clearly home how bad the state of the economy is out there. There is literally NOTHING for jobs. Only things like truck driver, nurse, dentist, legal secretary and various really, really crappy jobs. Rather disheartening. I just want to work at the University.

Burnout

I think after two weeks of hard labor I'm getting really burned out working at the gallery. So, in fact, I think I won't come in tomorrow. Like Auto L said 'you're pretty much my entire crew'. and its catching up to me - let someone else handle the rest (its all done anyhow, someone just needs to hang up pictures). I'm going to work on another goal my advisor set for me; riding the bus downtown. Doesn't sound like much does it? But for some reason its difficult for me. There's something about relying on someone else to get me where I need to go that makes me intensely uncomfortable. Maybe its the heat, maybe its the fact I've been working like a slave this week but I've fallen back into a funk of sorts. Feeling like Fate's out to get me, or rather do nothing to me at all. Feeling like...nothing's ever going to happen no matter what I do. I do find it incredible that five years of college and two years of being actually pretty social has lead me to meet exactly no prospective boyfriend. I know the arts generally don't have a LOT of guys but there are some. I wonder why its so difficult to meet people after you hit a certain age. It seems like after I hit 25, that was it - my age group disappeared off the face of the planet. Or perhaps I'm living in a different age. I go to places, perhaps, that are no longer meeting places for young people. Libraries, grocery stores, church, school - nine years I have lived here and nothing. Today I think I really am cursed. For whatever reason Fate won't touch me.

Summer Collections

I find it sort of, kind of, odd that even though I'm actually busier than I've been for a long while (with volunteering and whatnot) that I can still feel really, really...lonely. Its good to keep busy though. Today was the first official day for working at the Special Collections. Oh Sweet God, if I am very very very very very very very VERY lucky I may get to work there someday. If you like warehouses full of antique books, valuable art and esoteric things than this is the place for you. I may even get an official nametag (that would rock). I got an orientation tour and a general sketch of what I may be doing. Today I got to look at press-printed books/hand-crafted books/made by artist books and choose some that will be on a local art tour next Tuesday. Then I got to set up a display with books that fit into the palm of your hand. In the future I will be cataloguing and helping with photographs and the web-site. So pray for me, that I may be offered an actual money-paying job on campus.
No first day is complete without mishaps, however.
The first was when I stupidly didn't take the hint to use the foam book-rests for very valuable books so while I was holding it in my lap one of the employees said, 'uh-uh, put it in the holder please'. bah, that's what happens when I get around beautiful, rare objects - I forget common sense.
And the second was slapstick stupid. The library where Special Collections is located is the new library on campus and therefore is HUUUUGGEE with HUUUGE staircases that lead up to the second floor (out of five floors). So after I had a lunch break I was making my way back up the stairs when the toe of my shoes caught on the edge of one of the steps and I went FLYING foward and ended up sprawled on the stairs in front of, at least, one hundred people (the local high schools are having college tours today). I'm grateful that nobody laughed at me but I grabbed the things that went flying out of my purse and ran up the rest of the way. I think I strained my arm trying not to brain myself on the marble steps. So glad I didn't know anybody there; I can imagine my 'friends' wouldn't let me hear the end of it (seriously, I'm not usually that clumsy)
Gallery work is super busy. I'm like the only person from the gallery who has bothered to show up to help..hmmm....he needs a nickname, Auto L. Auto L is a local artist who is having his first show (bronze sculpture) with us this summer and has spent the last 15 years making things for this show, so its pretty important to him. The first day almost all the gallery volunteers showed up (not including Ex GM who stopped by the first day to sweetly mention she's going to be too busy to help until the 8th of July which conviently misses all the hard installation work) and it is seriously hard work. This is one huge production with a lot of stands, lighting, computer images, painting, moving ect. ect. and Auto L (rightfully) is very particular about what goes where. So after that first day of nitpicky work (and grumbling behind Auto L's back) the other two have disappeared into the land of excuses.
Auto L said it himself yesterday, 'You're the hardest working volunteer I have AND the only one who's shown up almost everyday'. Which means I have good work ethic and enjoy what I do or I have no life. Possibly a mix of both. Tomorrow the lighting will be finalized (holy crap, the lighting is a job in itself- ancient light tracks from the 1960's that don't always work and occaisonally go off for no reason that we can find) and since it opens Thursday we better be done tomorrow. Have met some interesting characters through Auto L who has found all sorts of people to help out, not just us gallery volunteers (thank God for that).
The one particular guy whom I find amusing (when I probably shouldn't) is the guy that speaks in one word sentences. A conversation between us:
Me "So, you said you just came from a barbecue?"
Tall John "Yeah."
-silence-
Me "Um, so where was it?"
Tall John "Oh. At work."
-silence-
Me "sooo...where do you work?"
Tall John "Winco."
Me (seeing how there are two different Winco's in town) "Oh, on which side of town?"
Tall John "The south."
-silence-
It was after this point that I gave up any attempt at conversation (except when I was prodding him for my own twisted amusement - getting a conversation out of him was like pulling teeth).
Actually he spent the time that wasn't spent moving things (being about six foor six and supposedly strong) sitting in a corner. Literally. Why is it all the men I meet are braindead and lack social skills? Would it kill you to ask me about myself? or expand on your job because, you great nitwit, I'm giving you an opening to talk to a cute girl? At this rate it will literally be a miracle on high if I get a date.

A Larger Perspective

Often, when you're feeling like the lowest creature on the planet if you look beyond yourself you'll find someone a whole lot worse off than you. Two of these people have been brought to my attention that makes me mentally slap myself and say, 'stop wallowing, you're well off'.
The first is a cousin of mine who has a disease where she literally cannot stop eating. She weighs upwards towards three hundred pounds and may never be able to survive without a keeper. It isn't even certain how long she will live if she doesn't find a way to cope. She is three years older than I and will never have things that other people don't even consider. She won't get married, won't be able to find social contact easy. She won't have children, or hold a job, or live a normal life. and people will blame her and hate her for something she can't even control.
The other is my (ex?) neighbor; the one I grew up with during my childhood. She spent her married life with a greedy, self-centered jerk who figures now that she's past her prime and he's having a mid-life crisis its time to dump the old wife and trader her in for a newer version.
She spent so many years on birth-control she will never have children (he never wanted them, always put it off). She's beyond the age of hopefully finding someone who deserves her; getting remarried a slim, slim chance. What does she have to look forward too? She is extremely intelligent (an engineer) but now that she's on the other side of 45 what will the rest of her life be? With no family to visit her, no kids to watch grow, deemed 'past her prime'?

I don't know what's going to happen to them but I can pray for them. Now I know exactly what its like to be on the other side of the fence. I was that person who got hit. I was that person who people ask 'what the hell happened to her? why didn't she live up to her full potential? what a loser'. or worse yet the pity - 'did you hear what happened to her? God, poor thing.'
a wider perspective, a different viewpoint; its pretty important to look beyond yourself. and pray.